Protect Your Relationship: 8 Boundaries Every Couple Needs

As a psychotherapist, I believe casual dating is harmful, and that the purpose of dating is as a means to find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

However, finding the right person is just the beginning! Once you’ve committed to each other, the next priority is nurturing the relationship and fortifying against threats to its integrity.

Here are the boundaries every relationship needs, even if you trust each other!

#1 Perception is Reality

Never be alone with a person of the opposite sex that isn’t part of your family. If it looks bad or sounds bad, it is bad. You never want to be in a situation where people would raise an eyebrow, could ask questions, or even create a gossip-inducing scenario that could make you look suspicious or make your partner feel insecure.

In the workplace, this means always having the door open so you aren’t in a private space with the opposite sex, or having other colleagues present in a group setting. In public, this means not having a situation where an onlooker might think you’re on a date. If you think going to coffee, having lunch, or going on a walk with the opposite sex is safe — you’re wrong. Even if both of you are married or in your own separate relationships. All of those things could be misperceived as inappropriate, no matter how innocent you intend it to be.

When you’re in a committed and loving relationship, there is an obligation to change your interaction with the opposite sex; to respect the feelings of your partner, and to protect the relationship from any potential threats. Now, not every threat to a relationship is as obvious as someone trying to have sex with your partner! Some threats are seemingly insignificant, where we may be negligent or make exceptions for certain people that we think probably aren’t a threat.

Even if you and your partner absolutely trust each other, you don’t really know how trustworthy other people are. It is too much effort to assess risk for every person of the opposite sex! Having this standard boundary for all people of the opposite sex makes decisions on how to handle situations easy and predictable. Think about it, how secure would you feel if you knew your partner was never alone or galavanting around with a person of the opposite sex?

Remember: perception is reality; if it looks bad or sounds bad, it is bad.

#2 No Emotional Connections With The Opposite Sex

Never develop an emotional connection to a person of the opposite sex. Obviously, emotional connection with family members is appropriate and healthy! But outside of family and your partner, there is no place for emotional attachment with anyone of the opposite sex. This includes in-person and online!

Don’t hear what I’m not saying! I’m not saying you can’t have any connection with the opposite sex, as that’s completely unreasonable. What I am saying is you can’t have emotional connections with the opposite sex. Meaning, you don’t share intimate details about your relationship or sensitivities in your life with someone of the opposite sex.

In the workplace, it’s not appropriate to have private, personal conversations outside of work. If you’re involved in other communities related to your hobbies, don’t call or text them privately either; keep it as a group text. If you have one-on-one contact with someone of the opposite sex, tell your partner about it and share what was discussed. If you have a call with someone of the opposite sex, put it on speaker phone with your partner nearby.

This especially applies to friendships of the opposite sex. I don’t care if you’ve been friends since childhood! Now, I’m not saying you dump your friends whenever you get into a relationship! What I am saying, is the dynamics of the friendship need to change. It’s no longer appropriate to go out alone together, or have private conversations your partner doesn’t know about.

Given that your relationship is a healthy one, your friend needs to respect your relationship, be happy for you, and rely on other people to step-in to support them first. It’s no longer appropriate for this opposite sex friend to rely on you as their first or second call when they need something. There needs to be a degree of separation to make room for the person you love to be the closest person to you, physically and emotionally. If you insist on an opposite sex friendship holding the place closest to you, you have deeper feelings than friendship. Furthermore, you will never have a successful romantic relationship, and you definitely aren’t ready for marriage.

Having the boundary of no emotional connections with the opposite sex closes the door to anyone trying to weasel their way into your relationship, and it keeps you and your partner honest with each other about the emotional state of the relationship.

#3 Never Talk Crap About Your Partner

Never engage in negative talk about your partner with someone of the opposite sex. It opens a door to creating an inappropriate emotional connection in two ways. First, it signals you aren’t totally committed, and second, you’re trying to process relational issues without your partner or in a therapeutic setting.

This boundary actually goes beyond the opposite sex, and applies to everyone in your life, including your family, and including yourself. Many people come from families and friend groups that like to complain about their partners to each other, because it can be easier to commiserate rather than connect. Unfortunately, it has become socially acceptable for men and women to complain about the faults in the opposite sex, rather than appreciating how complimentary the sexes can be.

Talking negatively about your partner is a really bad habit, because you’re rehearsing and emphasizing the negative in your relationship; you are poisoning your own well! Furthermore, you are putting your friends and family in an awkward and impossible position!

Think about it, have you ever had a friend that likes to vent about their partner? They complain and complain, and as a friend, you want to validate and try to hype them up about how they deserve better… But then they keep going back to the relationship! Your friend really just wants to vent and let off enough steam to feel better in the moment, then go back to their partner. Now you know too much dirt on their partner to genuinely like them, and your friend gets upset with you because you don’t want to hang out with their partner or support their relationship! See what I mean?

Again, if you’re in an unhealthy or toxic relationship, it’s important for you to not isolate yourself or hide abuse. However, this article is not about that; this article is about people in healthy relationships who want to protect it.

Having the boundary of never talking crap about your partner protects your mental view of the relationship, protects your relationship with friends and family, and it closes the door to people who may want to sneak in.

#4 No More “Friendly” Flirtation

Never compliment or engage with a person of the opposite sex in a way that could elicit an emotional response. This includes small comments or gestures that could be perceived as being flirtatious. Such as playfully touching, or giving compliments about their appearance that could be taken the wrong way. Some of you may have a personality where you being “friendly” comes off as flirtations — this boundary is for you!

It’s perfectly fine to compliment someone on a job well done at work, or to point out something nice they said or did. Complimenting their appearance, however, must be handled with extreme care! If you do want to compliment someone of the opposite sex’s appearance (like their hair or their outfit), you have to immediately weave in a compliment for your partner as well. Some of you may think it’s fine as long as you’re not attracted to them — and you’re wrong! It doesn’t matter if you aren’t attracted to them, it’s still not appropriate.

You need to understand that some people don’t receive compliments often, so it feels more meaningful to them than it was to you. Or, if a person is emotionally unstable, they could fill in blanks of what you’re not saying, and it could be taken the wrong way. These boundaries are put in place as hard and fast rule for everyone, in order to take the effort of assessment out of the equation. If everyone of the opposite sex is treated the same way, your partner can always be confident and secure.

Furthermore, this boundary includes avoiding crude or sexual jokes entirely. Anything remotely related to sex is now off the table and considered an inappropriate topic with the opposite sex. I understand if you have a dirty sense of humor, or like to be playful with others. However, being in a loving committed relationship requires some maturity. Be yourself, but a more refined version of yourself. You need to have some personal restraint with the opposite sex.

#5 Privileged Contact with Your Partner

Never make physical contact outside of a casual handshake or a side hug with a person of the opposite sex. This means that you avoid and never initiate full-frontal hugs where reproductive parts can touch the opposite sex. Again, family members are excluded from this rule, but that’s about it. Friends and coworkers of the opposite sex still apply!

There is a loneliness epidemic, and unfortunately, some people don’t get regular physical contact. If you’ve moved away from home, work a remote job, or have been single for an extended time, hugs can be few and far between. So just as some people can read too much into a compliment, they can also read too much into a hug. If someone of the opposite sex feels entitled to privileged contact with you or your partner, that’s a red flag!

Beyond the obvious of not kissing or having sex with anyone but your partner, humans are neurobiologically wired to release bonding hormones like oxytocin through physical contact with others. Having the boundary of saving intimate contact for family members and you partner help ensure that you aren’t bonding or allowing others to bond to you inadvertently.

#6 We, Us, and Our

Never give a gift or card to a person of the opposite sex from just you; it’s always from both you and your partner. Make very clear that it’s from “us”, that “we” appreciate you, or this is “our” gift to you. Again, this includes friends and acquaintances of the opposite sex.

When it comes to the opposite sex, you are no longer an individual person. If a member of the opposite sex extends an invitation to you, and not your partner, that’s an immediate “no” out of principle. Invitations to and from the opposite sex need to include partners or a group setting in order to protect the integrity of the relationship.

#7 Transparency

This involves full access to each others’ phones, social media, and location. I know there are people out there that say relationships should have “digital privacy”, but they are wrong! Transparency may seem like a lack of boundaries, but this is also wrong!

Transparency in relationships is not automatically rooted in insecurity or control. It can be used to control in an abusive relationship, but again, this article is not about that. In a healthy relationship, this boundary is a bridge that builds and sustains trust through transparency. If you’d like to learn more about boundaries as bridges rather than barriers, check out my previous articles: If You Trust Them, Do You Still Need Boundaries? and How to Set Boundaries: A Better Approach in 10 Steps.

Trust isn’t just a noun, like a feeling we have; trust is a verb, something we do and practice. If you have something on your phone or you’re going to places you don’t want your partner to know about, you are not in a trusting relationship. Whether you are the one that’s being shady, or perhaps you’re afraid your partner would be unjustly upset.

With this boundary of transparency, there are no lies and no secrets. There is nothing more emotionally safe than that!

#8 Stay in Your Jurisdiction

Never expect your partner to handle a problem from within your family or friend group, and vice versa. You are the ambassador of your family and friend group, and your partner is the ambassador of theirs. This usually is more relevant once couples are married, but sometimes things can get messy before then.

If anything inappropriate is going on in your jurisdiction, you have to handle it. For example, if your partner doesn’t feel comfortable with you spending time with an opposite sex friend, you have to be the one to communicate it to your friend.

This communicates to your respective groups that you and your partner are a united front. Sometimes family and friends can be intrusive and disrespectful of your relationship. Having this boundary communicates that you prioritize and protect the relationship; that you address issues directly, and don’t throw your partner under the bus.

Where Can I Find More Help?

If you’re looking for a place to learn how to set and maintain healthy boundaries, therapy could be a great resource for you! You can start by clicking the button below to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation with me, and see if we’d be a good fit!

Maybe you aren’t fully ready for therapy yet — That’s okay too! Click the button below to check-out my YouTube Channel, Tips from a Therapist, where I offer some of my best tips on how to improve your relationship with yourself and other people. Once you get to my channel, click Subscribe!

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The more you know, the more you grow!