If You Trust Them, Do You Still Need Boundaries?

If you trust your partner, do you still need boundaries?

This is a question I hear a lot in therapy! One of the biggest fears of having the boundary conversation, is people are worried that it makes them seem insecure or controlling.

But is that actually true?

Trust: More Than a Feeling

If you were to ask someone, “do you trust your partner?”, that question is typically interpreted as “do you feel like you can trust your partner?” But trust isn’t just a feeling we have towards someone. Trust is a verb; it’s something we do and others do towards us.

Trust is knowing someone will act in our best interest, and feeling that so deeply, that we actively depend on it. Trust means we have identified this person as an extension of ourselves, where there is no significant difference between our best interest and their best interest.

However, people have different approaches to trust. Some believe that people are innocent until proven guilty, where they default to giving people the benefit of the doubt, until proven otherwise. On the other hand, some people believe trust has to be earned, and are suspicious and skeptical by default.

The latter group developed this protective mechanism, understandably so, because their trust was betrayed. They sincerely thought the other person had their best interest at heart, when in reality, the partner was selfishly motivated. They learned a painful lesson that they can put their trust in the wrong person. Ideally, this leads to discernment and wisdom in future selections. Unfortunately, it can also lead to hypervigilant trust issues.

Where is the Line Between Healthy Skepticism and Trust Issues?

If you’ve been hurt before, of course you’re afraid it will happen again! As the saying goes, “once bitten, twice shy.” Many people are concerned not only for their safety, but also how people perceive their need for protection. They don’t want to come off as insecure or controlling, even if a part of them is. However, there is a distinct line between healthy protection, and unhealthy trust issues.

Trust issues is when we search for a reason not to trust someone, even when there is no proof of them being untrustworthy. Trust issues stem from unhealed wounds from past hurt, and we project the crimes of others onto our current partner.

Due to this trauma, the rose colored glasses of love are broken. There is no benefit of the doubt; just doubt. We are fully awake to the possibility of betrayal, and expectantly carry that fear in the forefront of our consciousness. Trust issues rob us of our ability to see the person in front of us clearly, because we are haunted by anxiety, insecurity, and suspicion. We are more focused on protecting ourselves, rather than connecting with the other person.

A person with trust issues believes the best defense is a good offense; that if they can always be alert, they can protect themselves from pain. Healthy protection, on the other hand, is a reasonable way of seeking clarity and predictability within a relationship while still being focused on connection. This is where boundaries come in!

A Better Understanding of Boundaries

Boundaries are usually described as protective barriers that specify what is and isn’t acceptable behavior within a relationship. That’s not a bad definition, however, I want you to think of boundaries differently. Boundaries are not barriers. Rather, I want you to think of boundaries as bridges toward sustainable connection.

In this way, boundaries provide the structure for managing physical, emotional and psychological differences between two people. The entry point of each side of a boundary bridge says: “this is the terms of engagement with each other where we can come together and both have a good time. Any path outside of this will be at the detriment of one or both of us, and we can’t form a mutual connection.”

However, boundaries within non-romantic relationships are different than boundaries set within a romantic relationship. Romantic love changes the intention of boundaries, because love is a uniting force. Being in relationship takes two individuals and combines them into one bond.

It is no longer you on one side of the bridge, and the other person on the opposite side of the bridge. In a love relationship, it is now the two of you on one side of the bridge, and the rest of the world on the opposite side of the bridge. Boundaries are no longer about protecting individual well-being, but about protecting the well-being of the relationship.

It is no longer “how do I protect myself from you?” Instead, it is “how do we protect our relationship from the rest of the world?”. See the difference? Boundaries in romantic love is where we merge each others’ needs to clarify what is in the best interest of the relationship. We die to our “I” and live for the “we.”

To clarify, this does not mean we become codependent, where one person is prioritized at the expense of the other. Rather, I’m talking about interdependence, where both people are equally prioritized and care for each other as a team. Setting boundaries in a relationship where there is already a feeling of trust, is a declaration of a change in priority; “I no longer stand alone, but we stand together. I care about you and your needs, as much as I care about my own, so I am willing to be sensitive to the needs you have, that I do not personally have.”

Why Boundaries Are Necessary, Even in Trusting Relationships

Yes, even if you trust someone, you should have open communication about boundaries to protect the relationship. Boundaries solidify a couples’ shared expectation of conduct to protect the relationship from the rest of the world. Born from that feeling of trust in each other, you can clarify appropriate behaviors to navigate other people and situations. For example, this could mean no one-on-one time with the opposite sex, or making sure to say good morning and good night to each other when the other is out of town.

Boundaries are both protective and progressive. They actively prevent harm from entering the relationship, and they breed emotional safety through certainty and predictability.

Trust is formed by promises kept, and broken by unkept promises. However, without clear boundaries, we don’t know what promises we’re making! The lack of relational boundaries set both people up for pain. Too many people assume the other person has the same beliefs, standards, and life experience that we do, and we arrogantly believe, “they should know better than to do this, that, and the other thing.”

We can feel like someone has broken our trust, but they didn’t actually know we had that sensitivity. We can’t assume they know! Otherwise, it’s like we forge their name on a contract they never read, and get upset when they break those terms.

Furthermore, the process of setting boundaries within a relationship can be very telling! If boundaries are one-sided, where one of you is restrained in some way that the other person isn’t, that’s a red flag, because that would put you on opposite sides of the bridge. If the two of you can’t mutually agree on boundaries, that’s also a red flag, because it means you have different definitions of trust and love, so you aren’t even standing at the same bridge.

Let me be clear, I’m not saying it’s a “red flag” for that specific person, but a red flag that this isn’t the right person for you to be in relationship with. There may be nothing wrong with that person, but if you don’t have the same definition of love and trust, you have nothing! Worse than nothing, you have a problem!

Beyond merely agreeing on boundaries, it should be a no-contest discussion. The two of you should be mutually enthusiastic about protecting the relationship. If setting and maintaining boundaries feels like a “have to” and not a “I want to”, that’s not a good sign. Having relationship boundaries is like receiving flowers; you don’t want your partner to buy you flowers because you told them to, but because they love you so much that they want to!

Setting boundaries make the feeling of trust tangible and reliable. People who set and maintain boundaries have happier, healthier, and more rewarding romantic relationships. When we aren’t investing energy being concerned about the stability of our relationship, we get to focus on bigger and better things, like enjoying life together! Having trust defined and displayed through boundaries keep you on the same team, rather than two separate entities with selfish agendas.

If you’re looking for more information on boundaries, check out my previous article, How to Set Boundaries: A Better Approach in 10 Steps. If you’re looking for suggestions on healthy boundaries to protect your relationship, stay tuned for my next article!

Where Can I Find More Help?

If you’re looking for a place to learn how to set and maintain healthy boundaries, therapy could be a great resource for you! You can start by clicking the button below to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation with me, and see if we’d be a good fit!

Maybe you aren’t fully ready for therapy yet — That’s okay too! Click the button below to check-out my YouTube Channel, Tips from a Therapist, where I offer some of my best tips on how to improve your relationship with yourself and other people. Once you get to my channel, click Subscribe!

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