How to Set Boundaries: A Better Approach in 10 Steps
Boundaries are NOT barriers — Rather, think of boundaries as bridges toward sustainable connection.
Boundaries establish expectations and communicate how we want to be treated in a relationship. Boundaries provide structure for managing physical and psychological distance between people.
They may be created through directly establishing them verbally, written down as a kind of contract with another person. More commonly, boundaries are implied through avoidance; where there are certain things where we just don’t go there.
Setting and maintaining boundaries is challenging for many reasons…
Perhaps the person is a loved one, close friend, or family member, whom you somehow feel indebted to. Perhaps they are struggling with addiction or mental illness, and it is difficult to tread the line between being supportive and being an enabler.
Perhaps there is a part of you that secretly loves the drama.
Perhaps you struggle with people-pleasing tendencies, or are afraid that if you set a boundary, the person will leave. Perhaps there is a big power dynamic at play that you don’t feel in-control of. I don’t know what your situation is. I do know that half the battle of setting boundaries is getting to a place of knowing yourself, understanding others, and having a little guidance on how to tackle difficult conversations.
People who set and maintain boundaries have happier, healthier, and more rewarding relationships with themselves and people in their life.
Yes, it is good to be empathetic and compassionate to others, but not at the expense of your own wellbeing. Knowing yourself includes protecting yourself, and mismanaging boundaries is a short-cut back to losing yourself.
While physical boundaries like walls and fences may sound static, boundaries in relationships are an organic, living process. Relationship boundaries can change based on the situation, or where a person is mentally or emotionally in their life. What used to be okay, may not be okay anymore. And it is important to allow yourself, and others, to express a change in what they need.
However, the change needs to be understood and respected by each person in order for it to be effective.
Boundaries, in general, are neither good nor bad.
They can be either, depending on how those boundaries impact the relationship.
There are three main types of boundaries:
Clear boundaries that allow for close emotional contact with others while simultaneously allowing each person to maintain a sense of identity of their own. Obviously, this is the ideal that we are looking for.
Diffuse or weak boundaries. These lead to relational enmeshment, where each member of the relationship are not allowed to be their individual selves and must always consider the other at the expense of themselves. This may include: interrupting one another or speaking for the other, or mind reading and making assumptions about what the person will do. Diffuse boundaries insists on high levels of protectiveness or over-concern that interferes with the person’s ability to figure things out on their own. By demanding loyalty at the expense of individual needs, people in relationships with diffuse boundaries feel extremely threatened when there is a disagreement between members of the relationship.
Rigid boundaries, which and lead to relational disengagement. Autonomy and independence are emphasized at the expense of emotional connection. This boundary might as well be a wall because they are basically cut-off from each other—you do you, and they do them.
In order to set clear and healthy boundaries in the home, at work or school, in public, and with yourself, consider the following steps:
Understand why you need the boundary. If you don’t have a compelling reason to set the boundary, you won’t follow-through to enforce it.
Clearly identify your boundary. If you aren’t clear, you won’t be able to communicate your expectations. Take time to figure out the right boundary for the relationship in order for it to be effective and sustainable.
Be straightforward. Don’t be cryptic or vague in an effort to spare their feelings or avoid conflict. The kindest and most successful approach is to be direct. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
Don’t apologize or give long explanations. This kind of behavior undermines your authority and gives the impression that you’re doing something wrong that requires an apology or justification —which you don’t.
Use a calm and polite tone. Keep your own emotions in check. Don’t try to set boundaries in the middle of an argument or when you’re not thinking clearly. You want your message to be heard. Yelling, sarcasm, or a condescending tone can put people on the defensive and distract from the real issue.
Start with tighter boundaries. It’s always easier to loosen-up tight boundaries than it is to tighten loose boundaries. They may be gradually loosened, if appropriate, over time. But don’t rush this part.
Address boundary violations early. Small problems are always easier to manage than big problems. Don’t wait until someone has violated your boundary a dozen times before you speak up. It’s not fair to assume that others know your boundaries until you’ve explained them and reinforced them. Nor is it fair to suddenly change the rules when you’ve had enough and waited too long to address it directly with the other person.
Don’t make it personal. Setting and enforcing a boundary isn’t a personal attack on the other person. If someone considers it a personal attack, it’s probably wise that you’re setting a boundary with that person. We set boundaries for our own sake, so if someone is violating your boundary, don’t criticize them personally. Communicate from a stance of your own needs what is acceptable and what is not acceptable.
Use a support system. Setting and enforcing boundaries can be tough! It can bring up a lot of questions, uncomfortable feelings, and self-doubt about whether you should keep them. A strong support system will help keep you accountable and remind you of why you created the boundary in the first place.
Trust your intuition. Slow down and tune into yourself. Pay attention to what you’re feeling. What is your gut telling you about this person or situation? If it feels wrong, create or renegotiate boundaries to make a change.
Having trouble enforcing a boundary and saying "no”?
Here are a few suggestions on saying “no” in a way that does not add harm to the relationship; if it does, there could be some emotional tangles that need to be addressed first:
I'm sorry; I'm busy.
I would be more willing to try this instead…
I’m not comfortable with that.
Thanks for thinking of me, but I would prefer…
I'd love to, but I'm already overcommitted.
If I were to agree to this, I am concerned it would cause issues in this way… Let’s think of something that works for both of us.
This might work for now, but there’s a chance I will change my mind on this later. Let’s figure this out so it will work long-term…
I'm already booked.
Maybe next time.
I wish I could, but I just can't.
I don't think I'm the right person to help with that.
Sorry, I can't help you this time.
Sounds fun, but I'm not available.
That's not going to work for me.
I am okay with this part... But I am not okay with that part…
That would not be an appropriate use of my time/energy.
I have other priorities at the moment that are taking precedence.
No Thanks.
What if the person struggling with boundaries, is you?
Hopefully the information in this section provided insight to the reason why people need to have boundaries in their relationship with you, so that you see the bigger picture and not take it personally.
But perhaps you are in a different place in your personal journey, where respecting other peoples’ boundaries is still outside of your realm of comfort and acceptance. Perhaps boundaries trigger a defensive response from you, and you interpret it as a personal attack, a sign of abandonment, or punishment.
There is no shame in that if you are aware of it and committed to getting better.
You are definitely not alone.
Where Can I Find Help?
As a therapist, I am obviously bias towards therapy and believe that most people can find value in the therapeutic process. If you identify as a people-pleaser or resonate with the struggle of being honest with others, consider if therapy is a good option for you. You can start researching right now by clicking around my website.
Maybe you aren’t fully ready for therapy yet — That’s okay too! That’s why I’ve written a book that is a fraction of the price of one therapy session! It’s called: The Root of Relationships: How to Know Yourself, Understand Others, and Create the Relationships You Want. I’ve already spent the money and time to get advanced education and training in Couples Therapy, Psychology, Sociology, and Psychotherapy, packed some of the best stuff into one place, and made it easy to understand and digest. Sign up with your email on my “Book Publications” tab, and download the accompanying free workbook!
If you think you’re beyond a book and ready to dive into therapy, CONTACT ME for a free 15 minute consultation, where we can talk about what pursuing therapy together might look like.
The more you know, the more you grow!
