Connect, Don’t Coddle — Why We Need to Allow People to Have Their Own Emotions
I’m noticing an unfortunate trend…
A trend related to how we interact with people.
A trend of over functioning, overly censoring ourselves, or diluting our message, for the purpose of taking care of another emotionally.
So far, it doesn’t sound too bad, right? — WRONG.
There is a difference between being considerate of our listener vs coddling them.
Essentially, coddling is being overprotective.
It means that rather than being honest with a person about how you feel or what you think, you prefer to keep it to yourself in order to protect their feelings and not rock the boat.
You may be a coddler if you often:
Hold back or censor your message in order not to upset someone.
Take-on unnecessary stress for others in order to lighten their load.
View the other person as fragile.
Deny or avoid difficult conversations.
Experience growing resentment that goes unaddressed.
You grin and bear it — then complain to someone else about it later.
Being considerate means that before you speak to someone, you deliberately think about the best way to communicate your message so that your listener can hear it. While you are mindful about how they might respond, that doesn’t hold you back from being truthful with them.
Consider a familiar scenario where there is a need to set a boundary with someone…
Let’s say you have a friend that you notice has been copying you.
Buying the same clothes, wanting the same tattoos, talking like you, doing the same things as you, wanting the same pets, and being so clueless about your discomfort in this situation, that they straight up get the same hair style as you!
YIKES!
But you know this person and care about them — They aren’t trying to hurt you or make you feel uncomfortable…
They just don’t know themselves, and are exploring possibilities by following your lead.
Maybe they admire you. Maybe they look up to you. Most likely, they have a whole set of their own problems that they don’t see or know how to fix yet.
Either way, you still don’t feel right about this situation. You’re uncomfortable, annoyed, concerned, and sometimes straight-up angry.
But you also don’t want to hurt their feelings, or your relationship with them. What do you do?
Being honest shows respect to yourself and to your listener.
It’s disrespectful to yourself and the other person if you totally hold back your feelings from them.
Disrespectful to yourself if you allow this discomfort to continue while you suffer in silence. And disrespectful to the other person by pretending things are okay when they aren’t. You are patronizing them by treating them more like a child than a friend.
You’re allowed to say how you’re feeling, even if the other person doesn’t like it. Whether they cry, or get upset, or get defensive, it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong.
It means you care about the relationship enough that you are willing to talk-through hard things in order to keep it going.
Recovering people-pleasers — Listen up!! You aren’t being considerate, you are being controlling.
There is a part of you that doesn’t feel comfortable with allowing people to experience discomfort around you. Or maybe you don’t feel comfortable with the possibility of others seeing you in a light that doesn’t align with your pre-curated version of how you’d like to be seen by others.
It’s not a real relationship when one person is constantly catering to how the other feels. A relationship requires two people who have their own experience and choose to share it with the other.
It’s not your job to protect people from having an emotional response — It is your job to communicate in a way that is clear, honest, and kind.
Holding back too much either means that you don’t trust them, or you don’t trust yourself.
I get it — there are definitely some people in our lives that we can’t always be direct or fully honest with.
But if you are honest with yourself, do you notice that you cater to others’ emotions more than you really “need” to?
If you don’t trust them to be able to hear, understand, and respect your thoughts and feelings, they aren’t great people to have in your life by choice — period. It takes too much time, emotional and mental energy to keep this up long-term. It’s not a real friendship, and you aren’t really connecting with them.
Maybe the problem is that you don’t trust yourself to be able to handle the potential fall-out of having a difficult conversation. Maybe they will cry, maybe they will not agree with you, or not like you for a moment, or maybe they will get defensive and play the victim.
I will repeat — They aren’t great people to have in your life by choice — period. It takes too much time, emotional and mental energy to keep this up long-term. It’s not a real friendship, and you aren’t really connecting with them.
You deserve to have grown adults in your life who can handle feedback from someone who cares about them. You deserve to have real connections. Real connections are made by being real.
5 Reasons why we shouldn’t coddle someone’s emotions
While you may have good intentions for wanting to “protect” someone by coddling their emotions, you are doing much more harm than good:
They never learn how to maintain a real relationship with someone.
They develop anxiety because they are so used to others soothing and protecting them.
They feel entitled for others to accommodate them, because that’s what they’ve come to expect.
They develop a low self-esteem, because they haven’t had the opportunity to overcome something hard on their own.
They can’t understand or respect boundaries of others, and they are often confused and scared by them.
People NEED to have the space to experience the full spectrum of their emotions. It’s a part of life, and it’s good for them.
Emotions hold valuable information.
Emotions are the language of the body and our way to interpret the world. They teach us important lessons about ourselves as people, and in our relationships with others. They tell us what’s okay with us, and what’s not okay.
Blocking this valuable learning opportunity from someone is not your place, and you’re certainly not doing them any favors.
Furthermore, YOUR emotional reaction to this difficult situation is valuable information to YOU! Don’t ignore it.
Still hesitant to say what you need to say? Here’s the thing — you don’t have to get it right the first time! See my blog post about How to Apologize, so you feel prepared on how to recover if it doesn’t go as planned.
Where Can I Find Help?
As a therapist, I am obviously bias towards therapy and believe that most people can find value in the therapeutic process. If you identify as a people-pleaser or resonate with the struggle of being honest with others, consider if therapy is a good option for you. You can start researching right now by clicking around my website.
Maybe you aren’t fully ready for therapy yet — That’s okay too! That’s why I’ve written a book that is a fraction of the price of one therapy session! It’s called: The Root of Relationships: How to Know Yourself, Understand Others, and Create the Relationships You Want. I’ve already spent the money and time to get advanced education and training in Couples Therapy, Psychology, Sociology, and Psychotherapy, packed some of the best stuff into one place, and made it easy to understand and digest. Sign up with your email on my “Book Publications” tab, and download the accompanying free workbook!
If you think you’re beyond a book and ready to dive into therapy, CONTACT ME for a free 15 minute consultation, where we can talk about what pursuing therapy together might look like.
The more you know, the more you grow!
