Bad—But Not THAT Bad

Apr 19

I’m not proud to admit this…

I’ve had the same nail polish on my toes for the last 3 months. Maybe that’s not weird for you, but it is weird for me. I typically don’t paint my nails at all. In fact, I dislike wearing nail polish—full stop.

Perhaps it’s the recovering perfectionist in me, but once there is a single, tiny chip in the color, in my mind they are ruined and I feel messy. Plus, I don’t like the obligation to incorporate the color, and feeling restricted in which colors I can dress in for an extended period of time.

But I agreed to get my nails painted in order to have a bonding moment with my partner’s mother. 3 months later, I find myself looking at the same sparkly/auburn/rusty/orange-brown nail polish, slowly chipping off of my toes. Why? Because it’s bad — but not that bad.

Subconsciously settling

“Not that bad” means that I am willing to allow it.

“Not that bad” means that while it doesn’t make me happy, it also doesn’t make me miserable.

“Not that bad” translates to tolerance, and settling, even if it wasn’t on purpose.

When something is “not that bad,” it is not a priority.

Every time I look down and see the chipping polish, I cringe. Then think I’ll get to that later, and move on with what I was doing. 3 months passed, and I’m in the same. damn. situation. First world problems, right?

Then I realized there was a bigger reason why this bothered me soo much…

It wasn’t the polish—it was the pattern

I had been here before.

I agreed to do things that I typically wouldn’t do in order to appease someone else.
I felt trapped by a past decision that was no longer right for me.
I dramatized the effort it would take to make a simple change, and put it off for a long time.
I kicked myself over and over for not making a change I knew I needed to make sooner.

My toes reminded me of how I behaved in a past relationship. A relationship I stayed in for years, because it wasn’t THAT bad.

Not THAT bad is like quicksand

That relationship was full of laughter, friendship, and shared experiences. I learned a lot about myself as a person and as partner, as well as how to be a good partner to someone else. This relationship was safe and predictable at a time in my life where I really needed that. I have immense gratitude for that relationship for those reasons.

However, there were some very important things missing, that I didn’t realize or prioritize as important at that time in my life. Predictable was more important than exploration. Consistency was more important than growth. Feeling secure was more important than feeling inspired. Friendship was more important than passion.

We would cite finances and distance as the reason why we didn’t progress further in our relationship, but deep down I knew something else was off, even if I wasn’t ready to admit it at the time. Financial stability and proximity were scapegoats for my own lack of enthusiasm about what that future would lead to. It was like standing in quicksand. I was aware that I needed to get out, but it wasn’t THAT bad. There wasn’t a pressuring sense of urgency like there would be in a fire.

Not THAT bad is STILL bad

At that time, a part of me hoped that it would work itself out. A different part of me hoped that the other person would end it, so the burden would be off of me; and another part of me was scared of the uncertainty of change. It was a risk either way—either leave and risk losing a long-term connection, or stay and risk missing out on what was possible.

Just like my toes, I finally couldn’t deny it or avoid it anymore. I decided “not THAT bad” wasn’t how I wanted to live my life. I took a leap of faith, and now it blows my mind how long I allowed fear to keep me paralyzed. Hindsight is definitely 20/20.

In my current state of self, these types of compromises are unacceptable. Settling doesn’t mean secure, settling means suffering. Let’s be real — I was disrespecting myself, and my previous partner by holding on to something that wasn’t a good fit anymore. I didn’t prioritize my own happiness, and I tolerated a situation that didn’t fulfill or excite me.

Sound familiar? Perhaps a little too close to home? Maybe it’s your own relationship (romantic or friendly), or maybe it’s holding on to an old coping mechanism that isn’t healthy anymore, or maybe it’s holding back something that you really need to say.

I learned the hard way, but you don’t have to!

Where Can I Find Help?

As a therapist, I am obviously bias towards therapy and believe that most people can find value in the therapeutic process. If you know that there is some room for improvement your relationship or your own self-awareness, consider if therapy is a good option for you. You can start researching right now by clicking around my website.

Are you and/or your partner not ready for therapy or couples therapy? That’s okay too! That’s why I’ve written a book that is a fraction of the price of one therapy session! It’s called: The Root of Relationships: How to Know Yourself, Understand Others, and Create the Relationships You Want. I’ve already spent the money and time to get advanced education and training in Couples Therapy, Psychology, Sociology, and Psychotherapy, packed some of the best stuff into one place, and made it easy to understand and digest. Sign up with your email on my “Book Publications” tab, and download the accompanying free workbook!

If you think you’re beyond a book and ready to dive into therapy, CONTACT ME for a free 15 minute consultation with me, where we can talk about what pursuing therapy together might look like.

The more you know, the more you grow!