The 5 Love Languages: How We Receive and Express Love
Different people feel loved and express love differently. It’s incredibly frustrating to think you’re doing a good job expressing your love to your partner, and they say they don’t feel it! What may be misinterpreted as a lack of effort, may actually be a lack of efficacy.
Originally developed by Dr. Gary Chapman, The 5 Love Languages outline the five styles of love: Physical Touch, Acts of Service, Gifts, Quality Time and Words of Affirmation. Learning to recognize these preferences in yourself and your loved ones can help you identify each other’s emotional needs, get to the root of your conflict, and connect more deeply.
When you understand how your partner receives love, you can be sure that your efforts to express love aren’t lost in translation.
#1 Physical Touch
Physical touch involves the expression of love through intimate physical affection. This love language is all about communicating care in ways that make your body feel good. Physical touch activates our pair-bonding mechanism by releasing oxytocin, also known as the “love hormone” or “cuddle chemical”.
Physical touch includes: head scratches, massages, hugs, holding hands, caressing skin, kissing, and sex.
#2 Acts of Service
Acts of service involves the expression of love through actions that make your life easier, or makes you feel special. Actions speak louder than words, where thoughtful gestures and helpful deeds show that people see and anticipate your needs.
Acts of service could include things like: cleaning or helping with tasks, preparing food, fixing or building things.
#3 Receiving Gifts
Receiving gifts involves the expression of love through heartfelt or expensive gifts. For some people, they feel most valued when they are given valuable things. For others, meaningful surprises that symbolize a precious moment or unique aspect of you, can reflect that they really know and understand you.
Examples of loving gifts could include: things related to your interests or replacing something that’s old or damaged.
#4 Quality Time
Quality time involves the expression of love through undivided attention. This means the two of you are alone, with no major distractions, sharing something you enjoy, are curious about, or love to do with the other person.
Quality time could include: shared activities, deep conversation, or just relaxing together.
#5 Words of Affirmation
Words of affirmation involve the expression of love through spoken and written praise, appreciation, encouragement. This means noticing and reflecting back your positive attributes and efforts.
Words of affirmation could include: specific compliments, thoughtful text messages, and frequent “I love you’s”.
Identifying Your Love Language(s)
Now that you know The 5 Love Languages, now it’s time to identify what yours are. Most people enjoy all or multiple of the love languages. However, there are usually two dominant languages that resonate the most with each person. Here’s how to identify your love language:
Think about times when your current partner expressed love to you through each of The 5 Love Languages. If you’re single, you can think about positive experiences with an ex. Then ask yourself, “when did I feel most loved by them”?
Was it when they were touching you, saying nice things, doing something for you, giving you a gift, or spending time with you?
Rank each of these events from feeling the most loved, to the least loved. This question will help you identify your top two love languages. Once you’ve identified your top two love languages, you can communicate them to your current or future partner by stating your love languages with specific examples.
For example, you could say: “My love languages are physical touch and acts of service. You make me feel most loved when you scratch my back and clean the kitchen.”
Identifying Your Partner’s Love Language(s)
Identifying your partner’s love language is very similar. If they don’t know what The 5 Love Languages are, you can Google image search “The 5 Love Languages” to pull up a visual aid, or you can share this video with them.
Then you ask them: “What are your top two love languages? When have you felt most loved by me?” and see what they say.
If the two of you have the same love languages, your relationship probably feels pretty easy most of the time. However, having different love languages isn’t automatically a bad thing! Awareness of each others’ love preferences and a willingness to meet a need that you don’t have is the key to a successful relationship!
The Other Side of Love Languages
However, love languages work two ways. Positive use of love languages can deepen love and build security, while negative use of love languages can destroy love and damage security.
If your love language is physical touch, being in relationship with someone who hates public displays of affection will make you feel ugly and unwanted. If your love language is acts of service, someone who is lazy will make you feel taken for granted and alone.
If receiving gifts is your love language, and someone forgets your birthday, it’s like they spit in your face. If quality time is your love language, a long distance relationship will be torturous. If words of affirmation are your love language, verbal and emotional abuse will absolutely destroy you.
Where Can I Find More Help?
If you’re looking for a place to learn how to communicate your needs and love your partner better, therapy could be a great resource for you! You can start by clicking the button below to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation with me, and see if we’d be a good fit!
Maybe you aren’t fully ready for therapy yet — That’s okay too! Click the button below to check-out my YouTube Channel, Tips from a Therapist, where I offer some of my best tips on how to improve your relationship with yourself and other people. Once you get to my channel, click Subscribe!
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The more you know, the more you grow!
