When Your Partner Tells You They Want to Split-Up, Believe Them

Words are powerful, but they aren’t always respected as such.

Sometimes we say things out of anger, frustration, or a low-moment, and we hope that our loved one has known us long enough not to believe us in those moments.

When not a frequent event, it is understandable, as we cannot always be our most gracious and self-aware. However, when we are not careful with our words regularly, this can be an unnecessarily messy, and slippery slope.

We can’t always rely on our partners to either ignore the ugly things we say to them, to assume we don’t mean what we say, or to translate our misuse of words for us. We can’t expect them to manage their own emotions, and ours. We have a responsibility for ourselves.

Learn to Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say

If we expect our partners to stick around and have a good relationship with us, we need to be more RAD with our words:

• Responsible

• Accountable

• Deliberate

Being responsible means that we treat our relationship as something that is valuable, important and a priority to us. We take it seriously, therefore, less careless.

Being accountable means that we take accountability for our own emotional management within the relationship. While emotions are valid, we have to be accountable for how we communicate those emotions.

Being deliberate with our words is the follow-through with the first two.

It’s not uncommon for the threat of divorce, abandonment, or break-up to be thrown around excessively when couples are overwhelmed. This is a BIG no-no!

A committed relationship is sustained through trust, communication and attachment — and this persistent use of empty threats causes serious damage to each of those foundational aspects of the relationship.

Natural Consequences Are The Best Teachers

This tendency to strike first or strike the hardest is often a means of either defense or manipulation.

Maybe your partner has a trauma history where their words, wants, and needs weren’t acknowledged, let alone respected. They never got the opportunity to learn how to communicate authentically. They are scared, they are unsure how to fix things, and they just want the stress to stop. They are trying to protect themselves, and they aren’t sure a better way to do it

Or perhaps your partner has an intense need for control, and uses threats against the relationship as a way to make you stop and listen.

If you find yourself in a relationship with a person who often threatens separation, or says hurtful things towards you in arguments — I suggest you listen, believe they mean what they say — and act accordingly.

If they say they want to break-up or get a divorce, take them seriously.

Don’t ignore it, don’t try to reason it away, and don’t try to talk them out of it. Address it head-on.

This shows respect to yourself, because you aren’t willing to allow your partner—who is supposed to be one of the closest people to you—to threaten you or verbally mistreat you. Furthermore, that you aren’t begging someone who doesn’t want to be there to stay. Relationships are always better when both people really want to be together.

Taking your partner seriously shows respect to them, because you are showing their words matter to you, and you’re listening.

Maybe you want to give them the benefit of the doubt, and try to understand why they would lash-out in a hurt moment and express a desire to leave— BUT you can’t always assume that your perspective of how they might be feeling is accurate to them. And you are disempowering them by not giving them the opportunity to understand themselves and grow as a partner.

Maybe your partner doesn’t believe that their words matter. Maybe they aren’t used to being taking seriously or being held accountable. However, if they expect to have a happy, healthy and sustainable relationship with you, these type of threats can’t continue and need to be addressed.

Maybe your partner has felt unhappy for a long time, and struggles to be honest with you, because they don’t want to hurt you. You share history, moments of vulnerability, laughter, and a routine of being together that is hard to transition out of. They are scared of the uncertain future without you, and they don’t want to harm you in the process of leaving— but that’s not a good enough reason to stay together.

Part of a Partnership is Growing and Allowing Each Other to Evolve

Unfortunately, this doesn’t guarantee that you grow in the same direction, or at the same pace.

And we are never done evolving.

Whether they actually want to leave the relationship, or are just hurling empty threats at you out of frustration or manipulation — respond as though they are serious and telling you the truth. Don’t allow a partner to mistreat you with their words, and don’t allow a partner to stay for the wrong reasons.

A relationship with you is valuable, and should not be taken lightly.

This is an opportunity for you to grow and evolve as well. We never fail if we learn something from the experience. And I imagine you have taken a few lessons from the wild ride of your relationship.

That’s a win. But that doesn’t make it easy…

Check out my blog The Importance of Letting Go - But Not Right Away for a little help through this process.

Where Can I Find Help?

If you’re looking for a space to practice setting boundaries with partners, leaning-in to change, and processing the root of why it is hard for you to do so, therapy is a great place to start! You can start researching right now by clicking around my website.

Maybe you aren’t fully ready for therapy yet — That’s okay too! That’s why I’ve written a book that is a fraction of the price of one therapy session! It’s called: The Root of Relationships: How to Know Yourself, Understand Others, and Create the Relationships You Want. I’ve already spent the money and time to get advanced education and training in Couples Therapy, Psychology, Sociology, and Psychotherapy, packed some of the best introductory stuff into one place, and made it easy to understand and digest. Sign up with your email on my website by going to the “Book” tab, and download the accompanying free workbook!

If you think you’re beyond a book and ready to dive into therapy, CONTACT ME for a free 15 minute consultation, where we can talk about what pursuing therapy together might look like.

If you found this helpful, share it with a friend!

The more you know, the more you grow!