The Importance of Letting Go - But Not Right Away
Essentially, “letting go” is surrendering to what is, and adjusting accordingly.
It means we allow life to unfold without giving-in to our urge to control, interfere, or manipulate how things turn out.
In contrast, “holding on” means trying to force life into an image of your liking; damning reality in favor of a delusion.
“Letting Go” is An Essential Part of Life — But That Doesn’t Make it Easy.
There is an art to letting go that many people struggle with.
Some people want to let go too quickly, and emotionally detach from the situation in order to cut themselves off from the pain.
And some people don’t want to let go at all.
Whether it is a loved one, an identity, or a situation, there are a variety of reason why it could be hard for someone to “let go” of whatever or whomever it is.
Maybe there was an expectation of what is was “supposed to be”.
Maybe you are looking for the “why” behind it all.
Maybe it’s all you know.
Maybe you’re afraid to feel even worse.
I get how that can kind of thinking can make some sense while we are hurting…
But I came across an anonymous meme that you might find helpful! It had “Let that shit go” crossed out, and instead said:
“Be with that shit
Deal with that shit
Heal from that shit
And then, when you’re ready — Let that shit go”
Obviously, I love this meme — Let’s expand on it a bit…
Be With That Shit
Stop wishing that things could be different, and let go of your expectations!
Expectations cause fear and resistance to everything else that doesn’t align with that preferred outcome. That’s a BIG margin for error, and you hold yourself back from all other possibilities.
Don’t make your identity and sense of well being contingent on things happening a certain way. It takes-away from your ability to grow and evolve.
You inadvertently trap yourself in a moment of time; a time that may never actually come. You are disconnected from the present, and the future is inconceivable.
As Eckhart Tolle says it best:
“What can be more futile, more insane, than to create inner resistance to what already is?”
And I would add: “…or what could be, but isn’t right now?
It is what it is — and no one said that it will be fair, or right, or comfortable — but it just is…
Deal With That Shit
If we accept what is, and what is is actually really painful — it’s not unreasonable that a part of you wants to avoid that.
There is a child-like reasoning of: “if I hide under the blanket, the monster won’t get me.”
But there is no such thing as “bad emotions.” There are definitely ones that suck more than others — but each emotion serves a purpose.
“Going through tough times” means going through them; feeling them fully, and listening to what they have to tell us. To learn more about emotions, check out a previous blog post — Emotions: What They Are, and Why We Need Them.
Sometimes we have to grieve the loss of what was, or what we hoped might be. Acceptance is a part of that, but it doesn’t always happen right away. Give yourself time to process this change at your own pace.
Heal From That Shit
Humans are meaning-makers. It’s comforting when we can make a positive meaning out of tough situations, and find the silver lining to a dark cloud.
But sometimes the answer isn’t so straight forward, and we really have to rack our brains to find a more empowering perspective of the situation!
Trust that there is something valuable to you hidden in each difficult experience.
It may not be big, and you may not see it now. But maybe it’s like a seed that takes time to germinate, sprout, grow into adulthood — and then also produce fruit.
In every pain is potential. If you deny or “let go” too soon, you miss out on the good stuff.
And Then, When You’re Ready — Let That Shit Go
At this point in the process, you are like a sponge that has absorbed all the emotions and lessons out of a situation, and you’re ready to be wrung-out and move on to the next thing.
But that doesn’t make it easy. Sometimes we take it personal, and feel the need to beat ourselves up about things before we allow ourselves to let it go.
Give yourself the space and grace for mistakes and mishaps. Quit taking life so seriously!
There is no one with a clip board keeping track of your every mistake and success. There is no gold star or trophy.
You weren’t meant to pop out of the womb and execute life perfectly by getting everything exactly right the first time, with no external interruptions from people or situations.
With a sense of humor and an attitude of self-compassion, things tend to come and go on their own.
Holding on Too long, is Like Saying “No” to Life
Life doesn’t always ask for our consent ahead of time, so saying “no” is often out of the question.
We usually don’t ask for tough times in advance so we can learn the lesson hidden inside of it. So life improvises.
Sometimes life gives us lemons, and sometimes life gives you diarrhea.
Think of all tough situations as diarrhea — Your body is rejecting something that is bad for you, and it’s getting it out of you as fast as it can. You can’t “hold on” to diarrhea because you don’t want to poo right now. IT’S HAPPENING.
Same with life circumstances. For whatever reason in the grand-scheme of things, what you expected or wanted isn’t the thing that would direct you towards your life purpose.
Say “yes” to life, and see how life seems to start working for you, rather than against you.
Change is inevitable. Allowing and adjusting is a huge part of living a happy and healthy life.
Here Are Some Things I Tell Myself That Help Me Deal With Change:
You are not a victim of your circumstances — Life is happening for you, not to you.
Take the approach of a martial artist, and use the external momentum and leverage of life to your advantage.
Flow like water, and take the form of whatever is around you.
The autumn leaves remind us that change is inevitable, and can actually be quite beautiful.
Harness the wisdom of the autumn trees, whose leaves change color and texture before they let them go. This doesn’t mean that the tree is bad or a failure — it’s just part of the cycle of nature. And you are not exempt from that same cycle.
What I thought was something that would last forever, ended up being just a chapter in a much bigger series.
Add a positive “and” or a “but” to the end of whatever you’re struggling with.
Ex] “My childhood trauma makes life harder for me, and/but it doesn’t stop me.”
Where Can I Find Help?
If you’re looking for a space to practice leaning-in to change, and processing the root of why it is hard for you to do so, therapy is a great place to start. You can start researching right now by clicking around my website.
Maybe you aren’t fully ready for therapy yet — That’s okay too! That’s why I’ve written a book that is a fraction of the price of one therapy session! It’s called: The Root of Relationships: How to Know Yourself, Understand Others, and Create the Relationships You Want. I’ve already spent the money and time to get advanced education and training in Couples Therapy, Psychology, Sociology, and Psychotherapy, packed some of the best introductory stuff into one place, and made it easy to understand and digest. Sign up with your email on my “Book Publications” tab, and download the accompanying free workbook!
If you think you’re beyond a book and ready to dive into therapy, CONTACT ME for a free 15 minute consultation, where we can talk about what pursuing therapy together might look like.
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The more you know, the more you grow!
