Ego: A Codependent Relationship We All Struggle With

What Do You Mean by “Ego”?

The word “ego” gets thrown around a lot in conversation; often in order to describe certain people — people who may also be described as self-centered, arrogant, or even a jerk.

In this post, I will explain what the term actually means, and utilize it in a unique way.

The English word “ego” is the Latin for for “I”. Simply put, ego is a person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance.

But the ego is not really who you are…

Ego vs Self

Descartes famously stated: “I think, therefore I am.” But this seventeenth-century philosopher was WRONG!

Most people automatically identify the voice in their head as themselves — this endless stream of compulsive thinking and the emotions that accompany it. We assume the thinker is who we are.

But it is not — this is the egoic mind. The mind is simply a tool — not the totality of who you are.

Jean-Paul Sartre offered an amendment: “The consciousness that says ‘I am’ is not the consciousness that thinks.”

Awareness separate from thinking; there is another dimension of consciousness involved. There is the thinker, and the one noticing the thinking.

Your true identity is consciousness itself, and the life energy that animates you. Not your thoughts, not the roles you play with others in your life, and not your idea of who you are.

But when we aren’t aware of this truth, our identity becomes dangerously muddled with the ego, and our relationship with our self becomes secondary to appeasing the needs of the egoic mind.

Ego as a Codependent Relationship

The term Codependent originally referred to persons living with, or in a relationship with an addicted person. Modern understandings include a relationship dynamic in which two parties become so invested in each other, that they can’t function independently anymore.

The ego is like an addict — An addict seeking external validation, power, acknowledgment, and being seen as “right.”

When people and situations offend or wrong us, it is a threat to that self-image, and there is an egoic reflex to defend ourselves.

There is this misleading belief that if we fulfill the needs of our egoic desires, then we will be okay, and our false sense of identity is restored.

But the relationship is one-sided — where the ego relies on you for meeting it’s endless self-esteem needs, at the expense of your investment and connection with your deeper self.

Here’s the problem — the ego is never satisfied.

Trying to Meet Egoic Needs is Like Eating Empty Calories.

The call of eating savory/sweet junk food is seductive; and under stress, it seems like a good idea and a way to console ourselves.

But here’s the rub — You never feel full, and you aren’t gaining any real nutrition from it.

It merely provides a false sense of comfort and nourishment that doesn’t last long. Your body didn’t get the nutrition it really needs, and you are typically left feeling guilty and crappy about it.

What’s The Solution?

Get in touch with what Eckhart Tolle describes as your “Deep I” — The “I” that is the consciousness and life essence of who you are. Not your mind, not the thoughts it thinks, and not the ego that drives it.

When we dissociate ourselves from the egoic mind, the ego-identity dissolves. You remember who you are, and can connect with yourself.

Unfortunately, the ego doesn’t go quitely, and will put up a damn good fight. And this isn’t a one-and-done event. It is a life-long pursuit of noticing the difference between our own desires and the desires of the ego, and finding our way back to ourselves over-and-over-again.

While this sounds like a tedious task, it is ever-rewarding. It is to find and fall in love with ourselves over-and-over-again. It is like the clouds temporarily blocking the sun, only for them to pass and feeling the warmth all over again.

Where Can I Find Help?

If you’re looking for a space better understand the ego, explore your true self, and practice living life more deliberately, therapy is a good place to start. You can start researching right now by clicking around my website.

Maybe you aren’t fully ready for therapy yet — That’s okay too! That’s why I’ve written a book that is a fraction of the price of one therapy session! It’s called: The Root of Relationships: How to Know Yourself, Understand Others, and Create the Relationships You Want. I’ve already spent the money and time to get advanced education and training in Couples Therapy, Psychology, Sociology, and Psychotherapy, packed some of the best introductory stuff into one place, and made it easy to understand and digest. Sign up with your email on my “Book Publications” tab, and download the accompanying free workbook!

If you think you’re beyond a book and ready to dive into therapy, CONTACT ME for a free 15 minute consultation, where we can talk about what pursuing therapy together might look like.

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The more you know, the more you grow!