Emotions: What They Are and Why We Need Them
Comedian John Mulaney once said that he felt like his body had little use to him outside of carrying his head from room-to-room.
But what if I told you your brain and body have some pretty incredible connections outside of the neck that keeps them together?
Emotions involve a physiological sensation in the body inspired by what a person’s brain focuses on at that moment.
Here’s how it works: We see something happen, our brain tries to figure out what that means, and our bodies have a physiological, emotional response to what our brain interpreted.
In simplified terms, emotions are the product of our perceived experience. Thoughts are the language of the brain, but emotions are the language of the body.
It takes a lot of self-awareness to know what is going on with us. Furthermore, it is even more difficult to know what is going on in another person’s brain, and what they are feeling.
Emotions are always valid, but they aren’t always accurate.
What does that even mean??
Here’s a simple example: Your partner is out with their friends, and hasn’t called or texted you back in a while. Your brain could make the assumption that they are having more fun without you, is surrounded by beautiful people that might steal them away from you, and that you are the last thing on their mind.
You’d feel pretty sh*tty about that, right?
That feeling of sadness, concern, or frustration is valid because of course thinking like that would make you feel bad. If you bought into that interpretation, it makes sense that you would feel that way.
BUT — that does not mean those emotions are accurate. Your brain led you on an emotional path that has no bearing in reality. So while you felt the feelings, this does not make the imagined context that invited them in real.
The most likely scenario is that your partner is getting some much-needed friend time, is acting very appropriately, and they are excited to tell you all about it the next time they see you.
Furthermore, consider things like hormones and trauma responses that also have a tendency to disrupt our emotions and physiological reactions. Both are valid in their physical emotional responses, but not always accurate in interpreting current reality.
Why do we have emotions?
Evolutionary psychologists suggest that emotions persist because of their adaptive value. They are a necessary and valuable part of humans and relationships.
Emotions tell us how to make sense of a situation, who to trust, who to get close to, who to avoid, what we enjoy, what we don’t enjoy, etc. And based on others’ emotional reactions toward us, we get a sense of how we make other people feel, and can adjust accordingly.
Emotions offer valuable information to us. They are our guidance system that lead us towards things and people that make us feel good, and away from things and people that make us feel bad.
But as mentioned earlier, emotions aren’t always right. We need a check-and-balance system that begins with self-awareness.
Self-awareness means we are tuned-in to ourselves both in body and in mind. We can identify the emotional feelings we are experiencing in our body, reverse engineer the thoughts that created them, and then choose whether to continue on that thought path.
“Follow your heart, but take your brain with you.” — Alfred Adler
Emotions aren’t facts, they are interpretations — But it can be hard to remember this in the middle of an emotional crisis…
We can’t always think our way out of an emotional tailspin.
Emotions are physical and live in the body, so the best way to release them is also physical.
This can happen naturally, such as when we cry when we are sad, yell when we are angry, and wiggle in excitement. But we can be proactive about this — if we feel an overwhelming emotion inside of us, we can hack our bodies to let it out before it forces us to.
Physical options to let out emotions can include:
Crying it out
Taking a walk or going for a run
Listening to music that either intensifies or changes your emotional state
Singing
Screaming into a pillow, or outside in nature
Dancing or using movement to express emotion
Physical exercise in general
Breathing exercises that are more active than allowing
Playing actively
Taking a nap and choosing to reset
There is an optimum level of stress, where we can feel emotions, interpret them, yet not get taken over by them. Beyond that optimum level, we are cut off from our logical abilities, and can’t interact with the world deliberately.
Having a regular practice of physical release is a great way to wring out our emotional sponge, so we don’t carry emotional residue longer than we should.
“I can’t always tell how I’m feeling — How can I know when it’s too late, and I’m already overly flooded by my emotions?“
Take your pulse! For most of us who are not professional or avid athletes, if our heart rate goes above 100bpm, that is a clear sign that we are flooded. An obvious sign is when tears flow or our voice raises. Other subtle signs include shallow breaths, repeating yourself often, or even blinking a lot.
Another sign is checking-out or shutting down during an interaction or conversation. Shutting down is the body’s way of not adding fuel to the fire and trying to keep composure.
After you identify that you are flooded, there are a few things you can do. First and foremost, take a break from the situation. Then take deliberate steps to self-soothe through any of the above physical activities, or do something you enjoy that is unrelated to the stress.
Do not focus on what you want to say or do next, because that will not allow your body to destress and metabolize those stress hormones. Pick up the conversation/situation after you have calmed down (at least 20 minutes), and your brain is working again.
Where can I find Help?
If you’re looking for a space understand your emotions and learn to manage them better, therapy is a good place to start. You can start researching right now by clicking around my website.
Maybe you aren’t fully ready for therapy yet — That’s okay too! That’s why I’ve written a book that is a fraction of the price of one therapy session! It’s called: The Root of Relationships: How to Know Yourself, Understand Others, and Create the Relationships You Want. I’ve already spent the money and time to get advanced education and training in Couples Therapy, Psychology, Sociology, and Psychotherapy, packed some of the best introductory stuff into one place, and made it easy to understand and digest. Sign up with your email on my “Book Publications” tab, and download the accompanying free workbook!
If you think you’re beyond a book and ready to dive into therapy, CONTACT ME for a free 15 minute consultation, where we can talk about what pursuing therapy together might look like.
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The more you know, the more you grow!
