Watch Your Mouth! Especially When You Talk To Yourself

People often save their harshest and most critical words for themselves.

They would NEVER tell a friend or loved one that they aren’t good enough, that they’re worthless, unloveable, or an f*cking idiot — yet they don’t hesitate to aim those hurtful words towards themselves. They think and speak to themselves this way frequently, and wonder why they feel so terrible.

This type of self-inflicted verbal abuse is often a symptom of a much larger problem.

Whether they have a history of abuse where others put these thoughts into their heads, or they are perfectionists with unrealistic expectations of themselves, or they struggle with anxiety, depression, substance abuse, or a mix of other mental and emotional disorders; NONE of them are a good enough reason to continue this way.

We need to improve our communication skills with ourselves.

A Belief is Just a Thought We Have Over-and-Over Again; and Bought Into It

There is a reason why teachers have children repeat and copy words/phrases over-and-over again — It’s an effective method of memorization!

Whichever thoughts we have most often, become a running narrative of our life. It stains how we see ourselves, other people, and the world around us.

We need to treat our minds more deliberately as a sacred place, because it is.

Our Mind is like a Garden, and All Gardens Struggle with Weeds Sometimes

When a garden has weeds, we don’t shame and criticize the garden; we accept weeds as part of a normal garden, and pluck-out what doesn’t suit the health and well-being of the garden as a whole. And we continue this process regularly as needed.

Not only do we pluck-out the weeds, we also plant new seeds of good stuff that makes the garden even better!

We aren’t much different from gardens.

When we struggle to maintain our mental and emotional garden, things can get messy, complicated, and over-grown— fast! Early-intervention makes it easier for us to keep things manageable.

Unfortunately, We Can’t Outsource Someone to Manage Our Mental Gardens for Us Forever

This is a personal pursuit; only we can do this for ourselves.

Get into the habit of paying attention to your thoughts, and not believing them straight-away. Then you have an opportunity to pause, reflect, and decide whether that thought is helpful, or hurtful to your garden.

It also gives you the opportunity to question where this hurtful thought came from, extract it from the source, and not accidentally water it yourself.

Don’t water thoughts that evolve into beliefs that make you feel worse about yourself.

Don’t water lies and over-dramatizations like “I never get anything right,” or “I have no self control,” etc. If you’re going to lie to yourself, choose lies that will help you and make you feel empowered to become better than you are, rather than lies that harm you and hold you back.

Don’t water made-up scenarios in your mind where the worst always happens. Water scenarios where the best or better things can happen.

I totally get that anxiety and good stress can have positive functions, like keeping our eyes open to prevent potential problems. But y’all are going overboard!

I’m here to remind you of what your real goal is — not just preventing problems, but investing and nurturing great things happening in your life. It’s a very different energy and approach between trying not to fail, and trying to get an A. See what I’m saying?

Speak to Yourself Like a Friend or a Child

When we have spent so much time speaking to ourselves negatively, and not enough in a positive and compassionate way, making this shift can feel like using our non-dominant hand for a high-risk scenario.

It doesn’t feel natural at best, and straight-up wrong at worst. It helps if we pivot our perspective a bit, and take inspiration from other people in our lives.

How would a friend or loved one speak to you in this scenario?

What types of things would they say to you if they knew how negatively you thought and felt about yourself?

How would you speak to a friend or loved one if they were in your shoes?

If a child told you they thought and felt so negatively about themselves, what would you say to them?

I imagine that you wouldn’t say what you typically say to yourself! I imagine that if you were speaking to a friend or a child, you would approach them with much more compassion, grace, love, and light-heartedness.

Shifting our perspective towards a friend or child reminds us that life is hard enough already! And we all are just doing the best we can with what we know right now. But we often forget that when considering ourselves.

It’s more than just seeing the silver-lining in a dark situation; it’s seeing the good, the love, and the opportunity within ourselves.

It may not be easy at first, but remember how helpful repetition is? ;)

Where Can I Find Help?

While we can’t totally outsource the skill of mental and emotional gardening forever, having some professional guidance can help you get started on the right track. If you’re looking for a space to practice monitoring your thoughts, finding out where they came from, and treating yourself with more compassion — therapy is a great place to start! You can start researching right now by clicking around my website.

Maybe you aren’t fully ready for therapy yet — That’s okay too! That’s why I’ve written a book that is a fraction of the price of one therapy session! It’s called: The Root of Relationships: How to Know Yourself, Understand Others, and Create the Relationships You Want. I’ve already spent the money and time to get advanced education and training in Couples Therapy, Psychology, Sociology, and Psychotherapy, packed some of the best introductory stuff into one place, and made it easy to understand and digest. Sign up with your email on my website by going to the “Book” tab, and download the accompanying free workbook!

If you think you’re beyond a book and ready to dive into therapy, CONTACT ME for a free 15 minute consultation, where we can talk about what pursuing therapy together might look like.

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The more you know, the more you grow!