Valentine’s Day: Why A Dinner Date Won’t Save Your Relationship

Happy Valentine’s Day!

I genuinely hope that you have a lot of love to celebrate in your life, whether it is romantic or not.

Obviously, it is always better to show your significant other some love, affection and gratitude all year round. Aside from what the calendar says, there isn’t really anything special about the 14th of February. For some people, Valentine’s Day can be an exciting and nostalgic day where people look forward to expressing their love. For others, Valentine’s Day is a day to dread, something to be avoided, or just another day.

The Truth About Valentine’s Day

Let’s be real—Valentine’s Day has become a profitable day for businesses by pulling on our emotional heartstrings. There is SO much pressure associated with this day. To not be alone on this particular day of the year, to go out on an expensive date, and to publicly prove our affections for another person; documented by the perfect pic on Insta. But is this the best way to go about it?

I see so many couples enter my virtual office post-Valentine’s Day date. They spent $200+ on getting dressed up, on a baby sitter, appetizers, desserts, and drinks — and their relationship feels emptier than their wallets. Couples need date nights; but a date night won’t fix perpetual problems and pent-up resentments. I get it, relationships aren’t easy in the best of contexts and circumstances. And life situations come up that make investing in a loving attachment with our partner less of a priority than just making it through the day. Maybe Valentine’s Day can be a day where we can finally focus on nurturing the love that we haven’t been as attentive to lately. Sometimes, it is! And that is great! But often couples are shocked and disappointed to find this not to be true for them.

We imagine that going out on a Valentine’s Date to be romantic, intimate, and a time to reconnect. What it usually ends up being, is a 45 minute wait time to be seated in loud and crowded restaurant, with backed-up kitchen staff trying their best to pump out food as fast as possible, and not getting your orders just right. And by the time you both get back home, you’re too full and too tired to make love like you planned and were thinking about all day. It isn’t intimate, it isn’t really romantic, and it wasn’t what you really wanted.

What People are Really Looking for on Valentine’s Day

— is to be reminded that someone loves them, that they matter, that they are appreciated and valued, that they share a life and that they have each other’s backs. I don’t care how good the food is—an evening at a restaurant can’t do that. What can do that, is investing in ourselves and each other on a consistent basis, so it is never a question of whether or not they love us. We know. They show us every day. And we show them.

The Best Way to Spend Valentine’s Day

But what is the best way to spend Valentine’s Day together? That depends. Based on your shared interests, lifestyle, resources in time and money, your “best v-day ever” will look very different. Maybe that means snuggling while watching a movie, or cooking together, or walking in nature, or making love, or experimenting with something new in bed, or gazing into each other's eyes while you express gratitude, or taking a nap together, or doing the dishes, or reminiscing about your past and fantasying about things you want together in the future.

My advice: Keep it simple, and keep it intimate. It’s less about what you do together, and more about creating a shared pleasurable experience. STILL not sure what to do? Start by asking your partner: What can I do to make you feel loved and appreciated? And be ready to tell them your response to that question.

Let’s be real, not every couple is in a consistent state of loving flow with each other. Most couples need to put in some deliberate effort to heal and reconnect. If they can figure out how to do it on their own, that’s fantastic! But some couples need professional support from a relationship specialist.

The price of a Couples Therapy session is cheaper than most fancy dinners or date nights, especially when considering the cost of childcare, travel, alcohol and dessert. And therapy tends to be more effective than some chocolates and flowers. I’m not saying that you should be in therapy for Valentine’s Day, but what I am saying, is that healing and connection needs to be approached from a consistent and more deliberate method. Not once a year.

Can Couples Therapy Help?

OK, so what do we do after this Valentine’s Day, and before next year’s? If you know that there is some room for improvement your relationship, consider if Couples Therapy is a good option for you. You can start researching right now by clicking around my website, such as the FAQ tab, or the Services Tab. You can even click the About Me tab in order to learn more about my background and therapeutic style.

When hearts are involved, things can get complicated. My goal in Couples Therapy is to work with couples as they gain insight into how they emotionally engage with one another, develop healthier patterns of interaction, and increase their emotional connectedness with their partner. Every couple is unique, and there isn’t an exact cookie-cutter formula that works for every relationship. In general, I believe that relationships are made better through building trust, love and loyalty.

I believe that nurturing a romantic relationship begins with nurturing the friendship in your relationship, as well as maintaining a positive perspective of the self and each other. Couples also need to learn to manage conflict well, honor each other’s life dreams, and create a shared meaning of their life together. This approach is informed through my Gottman II Couples Therapy training, as well as an Emotion-Focused or EFT approach.

Where Can I Find Help?

Are you and/or your partner not ready for Couples Therapy? That’s okay too! That’s why I’ve written a book that is a fraction of the price of one therapy session! It’s called: The Root of Relationships: How to Know Yourself, Understand Others, and Create the Relationships You Want. I’ve already spent the money and time to get advanced education and training in Couples Therapy, Psychology, Sociology, and Psychotherapy, packed some of the best stuff into one place, and made it easy to understand and digest. Sign up with your email on my “Book Publications” tab, and download the accompanying free workbook!

If you think you’re beyond a book and ready to dive into Couples Therapy, Contact Me for a free 15 minute consultation with me, where we can talk about what pursuing therapy together might look like.

The more you know, the more you grow!