Self-Talk and Your Internal World
What is Self-Talk?
Self-talk is where your conscious thoughts, subconscious beliefs, and biases meet. It is what you say to yourself, about yourself or the situation while you are thinking. This is where we make sense of our world and react to it.
Did you know that humans tend to have thousands of separate and ongoing thoughts throughout their typical day? How we focus on each thought and ascribe meaning to them will impact the quality of our life.
While our life experience and social context paints a picture of how we see the world, the inner dialogue we have with ourselves about this picture, creates depth and dimension. For some, their self-talk and the internal world are their own worst enemy, and is often the most difficult relationship to manage. It is not: “I think, therefore I am”—it’s “I am what I think.” There are two general types of self-talk that I feel is important to mention here: negative and positive.
Positive vs Negative Self-Talk
Positive self-talk is where you reaffirm to yourself that you are capable and worthy of the life that you want for yourself. That no matter the situation, you will figure out a way to manage it. Negative self-talk is where you beat yourself up or are overly critical to the point where you lose momentum, interest, or faith in yourself.
Some people may think of themselves as worthless, and whenever a challenge or difficult situation arises, it creates an “Ah-ha! See! I told you I suck/no one loves me/I’m not good enough/etc.!” This is often the place where people tend to echo the voices of people who have shamed or harmed them in the past.
How Voices from the Past Influence Our Future
Consider an example from a previous client of mine. She was 38 years old, CEO of a company that she developed from the ground-up, and yet felt completely worthless. Her father was an alcoholic that felt threatened by her intelligence, even when she was a young girl. Every chance he could, he would diminish her accomplishments, ridicule her mistakes, and poke holes in every idea or dream she verbalized. She arrived in my office with crushing anxiety and depression. As I got to know her story and process how she talks to herself in her head, we noticed a pattern. The voice of her thoughts mimicked the voice of her father.
On one hand, they served a function, because this critical voice pushed her towards working hard on achieving personal success and proving her father wrong. On the other hand, it was the source of much of her anxiety and depression. The opposite can also be true. A person can learn how to speak positively to themself as a protective factor.
We Narrate Our Life Through Self-Talk
Language is powerful; especially language that takes place in our head. The way that a person talks to or about themself is like a narrator in a movie or story. It solidifies and adds structure to the story. How a person narrates their experience determines whether their life story is uplifting and inspiring, or dramatic and melancholy, or comedic and thrilling, etc.
As such, repetitive thoughts also have a huge impact on how we relate to others we are in relationship with. In a bad home relationship, this could be constantly thinking that your significant other is an idiot or incompetent, which will most definitely impact your level of trust, connection, libido and respect for that person. In a bad work relationship, it could be repetitive thoughts of how unhappy you are at a specific company and that you feel trapped in your position, which will impact your work performance.
Other Factors That Influence Self-Talk
Outside of the voices of our role models in our life, there are other factors that impact how we think/speak to ourselves. One of those factors is our emotional state at the moment of our thought. Another factor could be whether we feel supported or have resources to help us in times of stress. Another factor could be the state of our neurochemical or hormonal balance. So do not be hard on yourself if you notice a negative pattern; there are a lot of moving parts in the human brain and body, and we are all just doing our best.
In an ideal world, we all practice positive self-talk on a regular basis, and rarely get caught in a negative cycle; and if we do get caught, it is only a brief stay. But if you notice you tend to spend the majority of your time in negative patterns, these need to be addressed. Sure, sometimes negative thoughts can encourage us towards self-improvement, but being overly critical can be damaging to our self-perception, diminish our quality of life, prevent us from seeing the progress we are making, and impact how we interact with others.
What Should I Do?
If you noticed that the majority of the conversations you have with yourself are positive, yippie for you! But if the majority of the conversations you have with yourself are negative, there is something you can practice! Generally speaking, the goal is to minimize the negativity, and maximize the positivity. It is similar to looking for the silver lining in a grey cloud, where you either: (1) change what you’re focusing on, especially if it is something you aren’t able to change; (2) invest your attention in something about that situation that makes you feel good; or (3) reframe the situation into something that may seem bad at first, but is actually kinda good. One of my personal methods is to body hack yourself. Meaning that you take a walk, a run, you dance, you sing, etc., whatever your preferred method of a physiological change where you brain turns off and you reconnect with your body. I go deeper into this topic in my article Body Hacking and Deliberate Delivery.
Sounds easy, right? Trust me, this is all way easier said than done. So don’t feel discouraged if you’re struggle to break out of these negative thought patterns and narratives. Maybe what you need right now, is just to be aware that it’s going on. And when you’re ready, you can grow from there.
Where Can I Find Help?
As a therapist, obviously I’m biased, and I think most people can benefit from therapy. Especially in developing this skill of monitoring thought patterns, processing where they are coming from, and re-writing the story in our favor. If you are curious about therapy and want to learn more, I encourage you to begin by clicking around my website. But I totally get that therapy can be intimidating, hard to find, time consuming, and expensive.
That’s why I’ve written a book that is a fraction of the price of one therapy session! It’s called: The Root of Relationships: How to Know Yourself, Understand Others, and Create the Relationships You Want. I’ve already spent the money and time to get advanced education and training in Psychology, Sociology, and Psychotherapy, packed some of the best stuff into one place, and made it easy to understand and digest. Sign up with your email on my “Book Publications” tab, and download the accompanying free workbook!
If you think you’re beyond a book and ready to dive into some hardcore therapy, Contact Me for a free 15 minute consultation with me, where we can talk about what pursuing therapy together might look like.
The more you know, the more you grow!
