Body Hacking and Deliberate Delivery

Where "What You Say” and “How You Say It” Meet

One of the most important parts of preparing for communicating with someone has less to do with what you will say than how you say it. Before we speak, we have to make sure that our message aligns with our delivery; starting with our body and energy. Language is limited in some ways, but also powerful. Misuse of words have started wars, caused generational rifts in families, and broken hearts. Words can hurt us and other people if we are not careful with them. We must learn to be deliberate.

Even the process of choosing the right words is a risk. What may seem right to us, may not be right for our listener. With the best of intentions of being deliberate and tactful in how we frame our words, things can still go wrong. One of the most common blunders is the delivery itself. We might pick the right words, but how we say them may not align with our message. Our words may be kind, but our energy is defensive. The listener’s brain will most often focus on the potential threat, rather than taking what we say on face-value. That is just how the human brain works. Before we speak, we have to make sure that our message aligns with our delivery; starting with our body and energy.

Body Hacking

You may have heard of life-hacks, which essentially are creative and simple solutions to common problems; such as using empty toilet paper rolls to organize drawers, or using floss to cut a cake when a knife is nowhere to be found. I use the term body hacking as using/moving the body in certain ways in order to change one’s level of energy, mood, and focus in order to best prepare for a certain interaction. For example, you may have heard of “power poses” that people do before an interview to feel confident, or how smiling for an extended period of time will eventually make a person feel happy.

Just as an athlete needs to warm up their bodies before performing, or how an actress needs to get into character before a scene, we too can prime ourselves before trying to communicate with someone in order to be more effective. We need to get into the right physical and mental state to best deliver our message or request to our listener. Human communication involves understanding and utilizing our entire self as an instrument, including through our body and voice.

Just as music makes a huge difference in movies and advertisements to make their viewers respond a certain way to the story they are presenting, the tone of our words sometimes have more impact than the literal meaning of the words. For example, you may have noticed that there is a distinct difference when your significant other calls your name lovingly to present you with a gift, versus when they call your name when they are upset with something you’ve said/done.

Prepare or Beware

How we use our body and voice is crucial in whether or not we make a connection with our listener and, ultimately, whether we are able to effectively communicate with them. Ever notice how some people are incredibly charismatic, and it is easy for others to be drawn to them and listen to them? Charisma is energy that occurs when the speaker is able to communicate their feelings to the other. It is an undeniable expression of raw feeling, passion, or energy that you can then transfer to your audience through your voice and physical presence. Not all of us are blessed with natural charisma, so there is some extra prep-work that must be done in order to learn how to show and share your emotions with others.

This may sound silly to you, but this is some of the best advice I can give to a person who often struggles with comfortably communicating: learn to sing and carry a tune, to dance and connect with rhythm, and find private opportunities to explore your own emotions. As people age into adulthood, many of us become detached from our own emotional experience and our bodies. I often envy children screaming and laughing on a jungle-gym, because I feel like people of all ages need this opportunity for expression, but unfortunately it’s not considered civilized or socially appropriate. Fortunately, singing and dancing offer the space for you to practice finding and using your voice and body to express your emotions in an authentic way.

Let me be clear— I’m not saying you have to become a great singer or dancer before you can have a conversation with someone. But you do need to become familiar with your voice and your body. Just as a person learning to play the cello first needs to be comfortable holding it, before they can start learning chords. Along with singing and dancing, there is a need to find a private space away from judgment for you to practice connecting and expressing your emotions through sounds and movement. Just as a child needs to crawl before they walk, sometimes we must learn sounds before we can find the words.

Practice This Exercise:

Go to the woods, a hilltop, or someplace in nature where you can be alone and there is no one to observe, judge, or interrupt you. You can even practice in your car. Take a moment to listen to the silence; this may create a little anxiety, but some people experience a feeling of peace. When we are children, we pretend to be adults; now as adults, we must pretend to be children. Listen to the sound of your voice as you whisper and talk to yourself about your insecurities, or things that express how you are feeling. Softly begin to sing a song that expresses those feelings. As you start to sink into this process, slowly begin to sing a little louder. Then a little louder… eventually being brave enough to use your strong voice.

Don’t be embarrassed, it has taken many years for us to lose this childlike freedom, spontaneity, and expression. The point is not to be a great singer with incredible range, the point is to practice using your voice to communicate your feelings in a primitive way. As you feel more comfortable with voice and feel more confident, begin to move your body physically with postures, gestures, and dance to express the same emotion. 

It took many years to limit our connection with our emotions and ability to express them, so we need to work this muscle. As you get more comfortable, maybe you don’t need to be quite as elaborate when finding a location to practice; I often practice this while I drive. Explore this exercise with various emotions. What does your anger sound like? It could be a growl, a roar, an exclamation, or mimicking the sound of something breaking, etc.

Take a deep breath, and force the sound from deep within your chest, abdomen, or wherever you feel the power of the emotion coming from. Pay attention; people are able to locate where they feel they hold certain emotions in their body, so be mindful of this as well. Say a sound that permits the feeling to be released from that part of the body.

Follow what feels good for you. With an emotion such as anger, we can tap into powerful primal energies such as stomping our feet, growling or yelling with the strength of our ancestors who overcame incredible hardship. How does this power and anger feel? Do you believe yourself as you express it?

Speak Through Sounds

During your experiments, it can be helpful to recall a memory of a time when you were angry or had a strong emotion that you are intending to express. Take a moment to look inward and examine the experience. Why did you feel that way? What was beneath that emotion—did you feel betrayed, embarrassed, or afraid? Feel this emotion as the memory kindles it, and begin to express this feeling in sounds rather than words. What sounds do you come up with? Do they surprise you?

The sounds that you create are the foundation for the word choice you come up with. Take a moment and ask yourself if you’ve learned anything from this experiment. What did you discover about yourself—was it incredibly difficult for you to begin? Were you surprised by the flow of emotion once it began? How did you feel before, during, and after the experiment? When we can’t find the words to an emotion we are feeling, we can rely on the sounds of feeling. Words are nothing but sounds that carry feeling, and oftentimes, the sounds can be more truthful than words.

While this is an exercise that takes repetition, know that as you improve you won’t need to spend as much time on it because you are training yourself. Learning to express one emotion can often make it easier to learn other emotions. When you return for your experiment again, practice with the feelings of joy, disappointment, or whatever you struggled with or what is most appropriate for the argument you are preparing for. Begin to say or sing words that are unrelated to the actual feeling in definition, but say the words in a way that is steeped in that emotion. For example, singing the theme song of a television show, but steeped in the emotion of joy or sadness, or in a forceful way that demands justice.

Traditional Mindfulness is Hard — Try This Instead

I am a certified Dancing Mindfulness Facilitator, and offer group opportunities to practice this type of expression and mindfulness through movement. Dancing Mindfulness was developed by Dr. Jamie Marich and is meant as a mindfulness practice that uses the body, voice, music, and movement to reconnect with our emotions through the body. I firmly believe that the body is an often-underutilized resource in traditional sit-and-talk-and-think-it-out therapy, because the mind often interferes with experiencing a felt visceral change through action. If you are interested in learning more about Dancing Mindfulness and trying it for yourself in a workshop with me, visit the “Services” tab on my website at RootsRelationalTherapy.com.

In Dancing Mindfulness, we often use wordless sounds, such as letting out a deep sigh in order to express the sound of letting go of something you’ve hung on to for too long. Repeat this exercise again and again to improve your skill and comfort. You might be surprised at how fun it can be!

Take this exercise as an opportunity to hear yourself say out loud what you are thinking and feeling, and feel the emotional impact of saying it, you so that you can better impact your listener. Say what you feel, and hear yourself say it.

Master Yourself

Only when we are able to communicate with each feeling are we able to truly say that we are in touch with who we are and our humanity. Although a painter may not need to use every color of the spectrum in every painting, it helps to have access to all colors to use as the painter sees fit; to combine and mix for the desired color. You must begin to speak from your full pallet of feelings. Most people do not know what every key combination on their computer does, but those who do are much more efficient at utilizing their computer to its full capability and probably know a lot of helpful shortcuts.

Sing in the car, sing to your children, dance with your children/friends/family, play by practicing making sounds and rhythms of speech. Be shameless! Open up like a child. Be to your fullest capability; using your voice, body, and the space around you. When you’re more comfortable basic emotional expression, you can practice delivering your arguments with words.

Just as music and dance require contrast of fast and slow, hard and soft movements, utilize your voice in the same manner. A dance performance needs a variety of movements, but sometimes if a dance is too complicated, it is hard for the viewer to fully appreciate. In the same way, too many words can muddy an argument.

It all begins with our feelings. To feel we must take a risk of pain, criticism, and rejection. The payoff is to deliver an argument that influences another. The reward is to be alive in a life that you actively created for yourself.

Where Can I Find Help?

As a therapist, obviously I’m biased, and I think most people can benefit from therapy. Especially in the realm of improving communication skills. If you are curious about therapy and want to learn more, I encourage you to begin by clicking around my website. But I totally get that therapy can be intimidating, hard to find, time consuming, and expensive.

That’s why I’ve written a book that is a fraction of the price of one therapy session! It’s called: The Root of Relationships: How to Know Yourself, Understand Others, and Create the Relationships You Want. I’ve already spent the money and time to get advanced education and training in Psychology, Sociology, and Psychotherapy, packed some of the best stuff into one place, and made it easy to understand and digest. Sign up with your email on my “Book Publications” tab, and download the accompanying free workbook!

If you think you’re beyond a book and ready to dive into some hardcore therapy, Contact Me for a free 15 minute consultation with me, where we can talk about what pursuing therapy together might look like.

The more you know, the more you grow!