The Dumpee Survival Guide: How to Handle Being Dumped with Dignity and Grace
You’ve just been dumped...
For whatever reason(s), things didn’t work out, and now you’re trying to figure out how to recover.
Recover from the blow of their decision. Recover from the voids in your time and space that used to include another person. Recover the identity of “you” outside of a “we.”
Following these guidelines will turn this break up into a break through!
*Caveat - Breaking up a long-term relationship is complicated enough, but things definitely get more complicated if you’re married, or share property/assets, children, and finances together. This post is not intended to cover all the bases for those situations, and you would benefit more from direct and diverse professional help alongside these guidelines.
See The Bigger Picture
You thought this person would be your happy ending, but really they were part of a character-building chapter. It can be hard to see beyond your blurry, tear-filled eyes, and seemingly endless supply of mucus coming out of your nose — but this is just a moment. Life is full of moments, that aren’t always good, or always bad.
This sucks hard, and we’ve all been there. Most people typically don’t get the relationship of their dreams the first, second, or third time around. Each relationship is a valuable learning opportunity to learn more about yourself, and what you want and need in a partner.
The journey towards your ideal relationship involves side roads and pit stops along the way that are part of your journey, but not necessarily your final destination; even though you hoped it would be.
Don’t Take it Too Personally
Being dumped does not mean that you are bad, or not good enough. It was the relationship that didn’t work, not a failing of you as a person.
Starting and ending relationships is a natural process of figuring out what you like, don’t like, need, and want in a relationship. Each experience you have with a new person develops your pallet, and makes it easier for you to know what to look for in your next partner.
This applies to both of you — the dumper and the dumpee. It is a matter of everyone finding a natural fit based on the type of lifestyle and relationship they want; not trying to change each other to force-fit two things that don’t actually go well together.
Know You Are Not a Victim, and They Are Not a Villain
You can grieve the loss of a relationship without being a “victim”. Yes, there will be heartache, wishing things could have been different, intense anger and sadness, etc.. However, do not forget that you’re also a person that is going through a tough transition, but will eventually heal and move on from this.
Furthermore, they can break up with you without being a “villain”. Remember, it was the relationship that didn’t work. There were positive parts of the relationship were real and valuable, and more likely than not, the breakup was not an elaborate, malicious scheme to cause harm to you.
No one gets into a relationship expecting to break up. It probably took a lot for this person to be honest with you about things not working. You were an important part of this person’s life; as they were to you.
Even though they initiated the break up, things obviously weren’t working, even if you weren’t ready to be aware of it yet. It usually takes more than one thing going wrong that leads toward a break up, so it is mutually beneficial for both of you to see the full picture of the relationship, and move on to better-fitting partners sooner, rather than later.
Believe Them When They Tell You it Isn’t Working
Don’t try to convince them out of their decision. Don’t say that things will change, don’t bargain with them, and certainly, don’t beg.
Trying to talk someone out of breaking up with you is a subliminal way to say “you don’t know what you want” and/or “I’m desperate, please don’t leave”.
The problems that led to this break up have probably been around for a while, and ideally, have been talked about and efforts have been made to improve them. It’s wise to know when something isn’t a good investment anymore, and to cut your losses sooner rather than later. Stop trying to force a square peg into a round hole.
Appreciate their honesty with you. Trust me, it’s a lot worse for someone to pretend that they are still invested in your relationship, when they really aren’t. You don’t want someone to stick around out only of convenience for themself, or pity for you.
Don’t ask for things to be open-ended so there’s hope for the future. You are a prize and deserve someone who actively values you and wants to be with you. Don’t settle for less.
If You Have Questions, Ask Them
More often than not, it’s appropriate for a break up to involve two-way communication. Why a relationship didn’t work is valuable information to both people involved.
There are important lessons to be learned about yourself as a person, and yourself as a partner of someone else. You probably have questions about their perspective, as well as questions about things that can provide you with closure.
However, this can be a slippery slope. Only ask questions that will help you understand and move-on. You don’t need all the little details that can be overwhelming; just an understanding of the main themes that led you here. Such as:
What was missing in our relationship that you needed to feel happier or more loved?
What worked well in this relationship for you?
What feedback do you have for me as a partner?
That way, there aren’t open-wounds of mystery, confusion, or doubt that adds more unnecessary mental and emotional baggage.
Express Gratitude for Their Value in Your Life
You both have been an important part of each others’ lives. You’ve shared emotions, memories, insights, and that person probably has some great qualities you still admire.
Relationships have dimensions of light and dark. Gently take a moment to acknowledge the good and the great that was also present in the relationship, so you don’t overly focus on just the bad.
This part of the breakup can be confusing. Don’t take this intimate conversation as a sign that you both should get back together; take this as a mature and balanced way to say “good bye and thank you”.
Grieve on Your Own Time
Obviously you’re going to have a lot of emotions about this, and you need to express and process them - but NOT with the person who broke up with you!
They can’t be the cause and cure for your pain. They communicated that they wanted the relationship to end, which means all responsibility and obligation towards you stops.
It stings when you’ve had a go-to person for so long, and suddenly they aren’t there anymore. That’s okay— this is part of the transitional process.
The stages of grief include: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance and meaning-making. Expect to experience all of these, in no particular order, at varying intensities; perhaps even more than once. These are normal, natural, and necessary. Speak to a therapist, counselor, trusted family member or friend, and have some time to journal with yourself.
Lean On Your Support Network
This is a reminder that one person can’t meet all of your needs, and it is unfair of you to expect them to. Ideally, you haven’t gotten too caught-up in the others’ orbit that you have kept-up your friendships during your relationship. Your friends and family are your immediate supports, and shouldn’t be neglected or discounted when you get into a relationship.
Tell your friends and family that the relationship is over. Don’t share more than you are comfortable with, but get everybody on-pace with the change — so you don’t have a messy explanation later.
Talk to someone about it; don’t isolate yourself. Friendship is a great medicine for heartache, and therapy is a great place to fully let your emotions hang out without pressure or feeling like a burden.
The actual break up moment is not the worst part. It’s afterwards… When you realize breaking up with someone leaves a hole where a person used to be; including time spent, activities shared, and inside jokes. If you aren’t mindful to acknowledge this change, you could fall back into old habits of reaching out to that person when you really shouldn’t.
Don’t let getting lonely make you reconnect with toxic people. You shouldn’t drink poison just because you’re thirsty. Not to say that your ex is a totally a “toxic person” — but they are toxic to your growth right now.
Stop Trying to be Friends!
It’s the exception, not the rule.
Stop trying to force contact that you think you want right now, but that would actually cause you much more emotional distress and complications.
Trying to be friends right away doesn’t work because it keeps you locked in the position of suffering/heart broken/”the one that was broken up with”.
Trying to be friends robs you the time and space to fully process your experience, to heal, and to reinvest in your identity separate from this person. You don’t need their friendship. You need them to get out of your way since they won’t be there in the long run.
If you had a strong friendship within the relationship, don’t try to down-shift into friendship right away. Until you’re over the idea of being with them romantically/intimately, don’t try to be friends. If the friendship is salvageable, it can shift slowly and organically after some time, when both people have processed and moved-on.
Stick to Their Decision, No Matter How They Respond Later
They might offer to be friends, but if you’re honest with yourself, you know that you want more than just friendship with them. Otherwise, you would’ve just been friends this whole time! They cannot selfishly order your friendship á le carte.
They might also feel the void where you used to be, and in a weak moment, doubt their decision to break up and try to contact you. Don’t fall for this! They don’t get to call on you when it is convenient for them, and put you down when they’re done.
Expect this going-in, and brace yourself for it. Trust that the right decision was made, and trust that you both will overcome this difficult moment.
Support the Break Up With Consistent Actions
Respectfully cut off contact - at least for a while after the break up, if not forever. This includes ALL forms of contact, big and small, including: texting, calling, messaging, SnapChatting, DMing, stalking on social media, dropping by, etc.
Do not initiate or respond to any type of contact. In general terms, consider three months a minimum amount of no-contact time. Give it a season, then reassess from there.
There are great reasons for this:
It indicates that the relationship has changed permanently,
It shows respect to yourself by allowing yourself the time and space to grieve without their interference,
and it allows you to move on without being distracted by them, or over-compensating out of guilt when you see them struggle.
Don’t Try to Make the Other Person Feel Better
The same way you can’t rely on your ex to comfort you post-breakup, you also can’t be part of your ex’s support network after the break up.
Focus on your growth and healing, rather than trying to make them feel better. They will be fine.
It’s not fair for them to put you in this position, and it’s wrong of you to force yourself there. It sends a mixed-message and will likely make you both feel worse. Think about it: you are still trying to be there for each other — but not really…
Stay in your lane! You are your priority now, and they lost that privileged position with you.
Invest in Yourself
Intimate relationships have a way of melding two people together. It’s crucial that you rebuild, rediscover, and reinvest in your identity as a person. Spend time doing things that you loved before you met them, as well as explore things you haven’t been able to try yet.
A break up can leave you totally disoriented — you need structure to your days, that will give you a sense of having structure in your life, in general.
Get back to the basics! Prioritize your physical and emotional health, including: sleep, eating well, positive socializing, and exercise. Fill your time with great people, things that you are interested in, things that you enjoy, and things that are good for you.
Furthermore, give yourself permission to cry it out when needed. Even though you logically understand that the break up was a good thing in the long run, that doesn’t mean you are exempt from the grief process. I repeat, see a therapist! Not only to help you with grief, but to help you date smarter, and learn to be a more precise partner.
DON’T HAVE BREAK UP SEX WITH THEM!
You’ll regret it. Sharing your body with someone who said they aren’t interested in all of you, will feel gross.
Best-case scenario, it sends an inconsistent message to your brain about your value and standards in your relationships with others.
Worst-case scenario, it’s using a person’s vulnerable state to comfort yourself; or allowing someone else to comfort themself with your vulnerable state. Yuck, bruh…
Breaking up is an intimate process. Don’t confuse this brief moment of shared vulnerability as a sign that everything else is salvageable.
Reflect on Why the Relationship Ended
What did this relationship teach you about yourself as a partner?
What did you learn you need in a partner?
What deal-breakers or preferences came up?
Looking at the relationship in hind-sight, what did you see earlier, but didn’t pay attention to?
What are lessons learned that could improve your next relationship?
Answering these questions is what turns a breakup into a break through!
Start Dating Only When You Are Truly Excited to Meet New People
Rebound dating or casual hook-ups can be fun. OR it just be avoidance disguised as independence. Sometimes it is hard to tell.
“Excited” to meet new people, is different from being “desperate” to meet new people, or “distracting” yourself by meeting new people.
It takes time to digest and process your last relationship. It shows respect to yourself and the next person you are with, to make sure you are mentally and emotionally available before you start taking applications. Finish the last chapter before you start the next one.
You don’t need to be 100% over your ex. Sometimes we don’t fully realize we are over someone, until we connect with someone new. Instead of 100%, aim for 90%. Allow 10% to accommodate the feeling of loneliness that tends to linger until we feel secure with a great match.
Work Out The General, Immediate Logistics, Then Plan to Collaborate Later
Many long-term committed relationships have shared things, living space, finances, and friends.
Have a plan for where you will stay during the separation process, and offer to collaborate at a later time on how belongings will be divided, and how friends will be informed.
Leave with the friends you came with before the relationship, and allow the new friends made during the relationship to naturally gravitate toward whomever they connected to the most.
If You Both Are Regretting the Break Up, Do Not be the One to Initiate Getting Back Together
There’s a big difference between missing your ex, and regretting breaking up with them. It can be hard to tell for sure exactly what you’re feeling, when you are overloaded with feelings. Wait at least three months to gain some emotional clarity on what’s going, and see if you still want to try again.
However, do not be the one to initiate trying again. They initiated leaving the relationship. If they want another chance with you, they need to ask for your permission, and be prepared with an explanation and a plan on what will be different this time around to make the relationship more successful.
Treat yourself with respect by not trying to convince them to come back to something they walked away from. Utilize the season of no contact to give you perspective on whether or not getting back together would fix anything. While a lot can happen in three months, that does not mean that either of you has changed all that much within that time.
Where Can I Find More Help?
If you’re looking for a space to analyze, process, and navigate the emotions and logistics of ending a relationship with dignity and grace — therapy can be a great resource for you! You can start researching right now by clicking around my website, or you can dive right in — contact me for a free 15 minute consultation, where we can talk about what pursuing therapy together might look like.
Maybe you aren’t fully ready for therapy yet — That’s okay too! That’s why I’ve written a book that is a fraction of the price of one therapy session! It’s called: The Root of Relationships: How to Know Yourself, Understand Others, and Create the Relationships You Want. I’ve already spent the money and time to get advanced education and training in Couples Therapy, Psychology, Sociology, and Psychotherapy, packed some of the best introductory stuff into one place, and made it easy to understand and digest. Sign up with your email on my website by going to the “Book” tab, and download the accompanying free workbook!
Not an E-book person? Subscribe to my YouTube Channel, Tips from a Therapist, where I offer some of my best tips on how to improve your relationship with yourself and other people.
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The more you know, the more you grow!
