How to Breakup Better
If you find yourself preparing to breakup with someone, I assume that you’ve already tried everything else to make things right, and finally came to the conclusion that separating is the best decision for you.
You are sure of the “why”, but looking for the “how”…
Following these guidelines will allow you to act authentically and respectfully, and give each of you a chance to (eventually) look back with (some) appreciation on the time you spent together.
*Caveat - Breaking up a long-term relationship is complicated enough, but things definitely get more complicated if you’re married, or share property/assets, children, and finances together. This post is not intended to cover all the bases for those situations, and you would benefit more from direct and diverse professional help alongside these guidelines.
End the Relationship Sooner, Rather Than Later.
I get it; it’s hard to do something that we know will hurt someone. But there is no pain-free way to break up. Stop avoiding with the hope of finding one.
Delaying the inevitable will only build more confusion and resentment between the two of you, and make the break up uglier in the end. Besides, you aren’t doing the other person any favors by holding-on; you’re just being dishonest.
Break Up in a Way That Makes Sense to Your Unique Situation. Consider These Factors:
More often than not, breaking up in-person is best because it shows that you valued the relationship, and respect the person enough to face your own discomfort in being honest with them.
Breaking up on their turf allows them to experience raw emotions without the worry of how to get back home. Say what you need to say, and leave them to process in the comfort of their own space.
Breaking up in a private setting allows honesty and emotions to flow without the pressure of on-lookers. But if safety is a concern, sometimes you need a public setting to ensure you will be okay.
Breaking up through technology can create the distance needed to say what you need to say, respectfully, without confusing emotions distracting you. If you’ve been “trying to breakup” for a while, and there has been a constant back-and-forth of having the break up talk, then getting back together — you’ve already fractured the bone, and it’s hard to make a clean break now.
But I can see how you get here: having the break up talk itself seemed like a connecting experience, where you both were vulnerable and really listened to each other. It’s easy to confuse this brief moment as a sign that you can make the relationship work — WRONG!
You both have said what you needed to say, possibly multiple times. The in-person routine is a slippery slope to mentally or emotionally manipulate each other into trying again.
Be Honest About Your Feelings.
Acknowledge your own emotions and get them in-check before having the breakup conversation. They can’t be expected to hold your pain and their own.
Furthermore, when you do speak with them, explain the context that brought you to decide that breaking up was the best choice for you.
Be Honest About Why You Want to Separate.
Knowing why a relationship didn’t work is valuable information for each person involved! With each relationship, you develop a better understanding of what you like in a partner, and what you don’t like; as well as receive feedback about you as a partner.
Don’t be too vague or sugar coat why you want to breakup, but also avoid too much detail that only hurts. The kindest thing you can do is to be honest and clear. That way, there are no open-wounds of mystery, confusion, or doubt that adds more unnecessary mental and emotional baggage.
Furthermore, don’t leave things open-ended or offer false hope for the future just to make them (or yourself) feel better.
Don’t Criticize the Other Person.
Communicate in a way that emphasizes that you are breaking up based on what you want and need, rather than blaming the other person or a certain situation. Use “I” statements, rather than “you'“ statements that can sound critical towards them.
It was the relationship that didn’t work, not a failure or flaw of them as a person.
Show Appreciation for that Person’s Value in Your Life.
You both have been an important part of each others’ lives. You’ve shared emotions, memories, insights, and that person probably has great qualities that you still admire.
Relationships have dimensions of light and dark. Gently take a moment to acknowledge the good and the great that was also present in the relationship, as well as lessons learned with each other.
Stick to Your Decision, No Matter How They Respond.
They might get angry at you in order to hide their hurt. They might beg you to stay, and this emotional pull can distort your thinking. They might cry and try to bargain with you. They might say that they will change, even though those changes never stuck before.
Expect this going-in, and brace yourself for it. Trust that you have made the right decision, and trust that they (and you) will overcome this difficult moment. Be like the action stars who walk away from the explosion without looking back at it.
Listen to Them With Empathy.
They will have an emotional reaction to this loss. Show them the respect to hear them out with am empathetic ear, rather than dropping a bomb and running in the other direction.
They may have questions that they want to ask you in order to better understand. Within reason, answer them as honestly as you can.
When You’re Alone, Reflect on Why the Relationship Ended.
What did this relationship teach you about yourself as a person and as a partner? What did you learn you need in a partner? What deal-breakers or preferences came up?
Looking at the relationship in hindsight, what did you notice or feel in the beginning of the relationship, but didn’t pay attention to? How did that person make you feel about yourself? What parts of you came out in the relationship? What are lessons learned that could improve your next relationship? Are you grieving the loss of the person, or the fantasy you projected onto them?
Answering these questions is what turns a breakup into a break through!
Support the Breakup With Consistent Actions.
Respectfully cut off contact - at least for a while after the break up — if not forever. This includes ALL forms of contact, including: texting, calling, messaging, SnapChatting, DMing, stalking on social media, dropping by, etc. Don’t initiate any type of contact.
There are great reasons for this:
It indicates that the relationship has changed permanently.
It shows respect to the person’s feelings by allowing them the time and space to grieve without your interference.
It allows you to move on without over-compensating out of guilt when you see them struggle.
In general terms, consider 3 months a minimum amount of no-contact time. Give it a season, then reassess from there.
Stop Trying to be Friends!
It’s the (very rare) exception, not the rule.
I get it, you’re afraid of losing not only a lover, but perhaps a close friend. But you know they want more than friendship with you — don’t insult them by trying to selfishly order their friendship á le carte.
Stop trying to force contact that the other person may seem like they want right now, but that would actually cause them much more emotional distress and complications.
If you had a strong friendship within the relationship, don’t try to down-shift into friendship right away. Until you’re over the idea of being with them romantically/intimately, don’t try to be friends. If the friendship is there, it can shift slowly and organically over time, when both people have processed and moved-on.
Don’t Try to Make the Other Person Feel Better.
You can’t be part of your ex’s support network after you break up with them. Period.
It sends a mixed-message and will likely make them feel worse; you are still trying to be there for them — but not really be with them…
Stay in your lane. You can’t be the cause and cure for their pain. It sucks to be broken-up with, but they are big people, and can handle it. Get out their way!
DON’T HAVE BREAK UP SEX WITH THEM!
Best-case scenario, it sends an inconsistent message.
Worst-case scenario, you are using that person’s vulnerable state to comfort yourself. Yuck, bruh…
Breaking up is an intimate process, but don’t confuse this brief moment of vulnerability as a sign that everything else is salvageable.
Lean On Your Support Network.
Tell your friends and family that the relationship is over. Don’t share more than you are comfortable with, but get everybody on-pace with the change so you don’t have a messy explanation later.
Talk to someone about it; don’t isolate yourself. Friendship is a great medicine for heartache, and therapy is a great place to let your emotions hang out with no pressure.
The actual break up moment isn’t the worst part. It’s afterwards. When you realize breaking up with someone leaves a hole where a person used to be; including time spent, routine texts/calls, activities shared, and inside jokes. If you aren’t mindful to acknowledge this change, you could fall back into old habits of reaching out to that person when you really shouldn’t.
Don’t let getting lonely make you reconnect with toxic people, or make you behave in a toxic manner. You shouldn’t drink poison just because you’re thirsty. Not to say that your ex is a totally a “toxic person” — but they are toxic to your growth right now, as you are to theirs.
Invest in Yourself.
Intimate relationships have a way of melding two people together. It’s crucial that you rebuild, rediscover, and reinvest in your identity as an individual person.
Get back to the basics. Prioritize your physical and emotional health, including: sleep, eating well, positive socializing, hobbies and exercise.
Give yourself permission to cry it out when needed. Even though you decided to breakup, that doesn’t mean you are exempt from the grief process.
Start Dating Only When You Are Truly Excited to Meet New People.
“Excited” to meet new people, is different from being “desperate” to meet new people, and “distracting” yourself by meeting new people.
It takes time to digest and process your last relationship. It shows respect to yourself and the next person you are with, to make sure you are mentally and emotionally available before you start taking applications. Finish the last chapter before you start the next one.
Rebound dating can be avoidance disguised as independence, but not always! Some relationships have a slow death, and maybe you’ve been processing this for a long time. Only you can know where you are. Practice honest self assessment; either alone, with a close friend or loved one, or with a therapist.
Work Out The General, Immediate Logistics. Then Plan to Collaborate Later.
Many long-term committed relationships have shared things, living space, finances, and friends.
Have a plan for where you will stay during the separation process, and offer to collaborate at a later time on how belongings will be divided, and how friends will be informed.
If You Already Broke Up and You’re Having Second Thoughts, Stick it out for at Least a Season to Know for Sure.
There’s a big difference between missing your ex, and regretting breaking up with them. It can be hard to tell for sure exactly what you’re feeling, when you’re overloaded with feelings. Wait at least three months of no contact to gain some emotional clarity on what’s going on before you consider reassessing.
Where Can I Find More Help?
If you’re looking for a space to analyze, process, and navigate the emotions and logistics of ending a relationship respectfully and authentically — therapy can be a great resource for you! You can start researching right now by clicking around my website, or you can dive right in — contact me for a free 15 minute consultation, where we can talk about what pursuing therapy together might look like.
Maybe you aren’t fully ready for therapy yet — That’s okay too! That’s why I’ve written a book that is a fraction of the price of one therapy session! It’s called: The Root of Relationships: How to Know Yourself, Understand Others, and Create the Relationships You Want. I’ve already spent the money and time to get advanced education and training in Couples Therapy, Psychology, Sociology, and Psychotherapy, packed some of the best introductory stuff into one place, and made it easy to understand and digest. Sign up with your email on my website by going to the “Book” tab, and download the accompanying free workbook!
Not an E-book person? Subscribe to my YouTube Channel, Tips from a Therapist, where I offer some of my best tips on how to improve your relationship with yourself and other people.
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The more you know, the more you grow!
