3 Sex Tips for Women
It is no secret most people don’t know what they’re doing when it comes to dating and sex. Without positive role models or examples of healthy relationships, many people are gambling with their hearts and bodies, learning solely by trial and error.
Unfortunately, many women are lost in the terrain looking for love, and instead are finding trauma. Research has shown that women have the highest rate of sexual satisfaction within secure, committed relationships. As well as the best orgasms when they feel safe and trust their partner. As a psychotherapist trained in marriage and family therapy, I’m here with three sex tips for women that you likely haven’t heard elsewhere.
#1 Not All Men Are Bad — But There Are Bad Men Out There
The belief that “all men are bad” comes from two places. The first is relational trauma; whether it’s the men in your family being harmful, or your personal experience of being hurt from a series of men. The second is portrayals of men with high body counts and low responsibility towards women elevated by social media, TV, and music.
No matter which of the two is true for you, potentially even both, believing “all guys are bad” is an overcorrection; a defense mechanism to keep all potential harm at arm’s length.
Women who have been hurt by men in their family and out in the world cling to this belief, because their life experience proves it to be true. For them, all men have been bad! It’s human to learn from pattern recognition to identify and resist potential danger. AND, this same wall of protection can be the barrier between you and real love.
I have an embarrassing example to share — I used to teach in an after school program with 6th graders. One day, a student showed me a picture of a whale-like sea creature with a huge unicorn horn. I had never seen it before, and told the student it wasn’t real! My brain couldn’t conceptualize that something that ridiculous could exist. I had never seen or heard of a narwhal before, so I rejected its existence.
Women with relational trauma have a similar experience with never being exposed to a good man before. I’m here to encourage you to crack the door of possibility that there are good men out there, you just haven’t seen them yet.
Now, I’d like to address the latter part of my initial statement — Not all men are bad— However, there are bad men out there. If you have been lucky enough to have not been hurt by a man, and you haven’t had much experience with men in the dating world, ignorance is not bliss!
While you don’t have the problem of overcorrection, you do have the problem of naivety. Men exist that will say and do anything to get you to have sex with them, with absolutely no intention of committing to you, and no concern for how it makes you feel. They seem nice and fun at first. They’re complimentary and exert effort in staying in touch with you.
However, anyone can put on a good face in the beginning. What you’re looking for is a consistent pattern of effort in staying connected with you, a genuine interest in you as a person, and respect towards you across time. Practically speaking, he should be consistently calling or texting you without increased physical intimacy being the goal. That means you aren’t confused as to why you haven’t heard from him as often as before. It means he asks you questions about you and your vision of the future. It means he isn’t reactive or defensive when you don’t agree on things. You’re also looking for their words to match their behavior; do they do what they say they’ll do? At a minimum, I suggest that you assess his personality and character across 30 to 60 days.
Time is a great ally in revealing signs of poor character. A week or two of good behavior is fairly easy, especially when you don’t see each other several times a week. In the same way that a company has a probation period for new hires before employees have benefits, so can we!
#2 If He is Eager for Sex Early On, it’s Not a Compliment
Remember what I said about assessing across time? If he communicates to you in a hyper-sexualized way, such as making suggestive comments about your body, sends provocative photos of himself or requests photos of you, or begins to sext with you — this is bad! If he rushes you or pressures you towards sex — this is very bad!
When women are young, naive, or even accustomed to unhealthy men, these types of behaviors can be misinterpreted. We think, “Oh my! He thinks I’m SO beautiful and sexy! He just can’t help himself; he’s obsessed with me!”
NO!
This is NOT flattering! This is actually a flag; specifically, a red one. This communicates a lack of impulse control, lack of respect for women, potentially a porn addiction, and certainly an immaturity in how relationships work.
The assessment period works both ways. These types of men have no idea who you are!
There’s no objective standard of what is “too early” for everyone. However, I’m suggesting generalizations to help you pace yourself as you’re learning what’s best for you. It’s much better to have gone a little too slow, than a little too fast. A little too fast with the wrong man has dire consequences to your heart, while a little slow will make the wrong man search for an easier target. A little slow with the right person has no consequences!
If you met online and haven’t met up in-person yet, men with poor character or bad intentions will often use hyper-sexualized conversation to test what you’re open to. Allowing or reciprocating does not make you seem more fun or desirable — it makes you seem more available. From a man’s perspective, if you’re okay with sexy talk with a relative stranger, you’re likely open to sex as well. Women do not think the same way as men, and it’s important that we know how our male audience perceives us.
If you have met in-person, consider waiting until at least the fourth date. At that point, it’s appropriate to discuss whether an official mutual commitment towards each other will be made, or you decide to move on to better prospects.
Showing signs of being too eager for sex early on sheds light on how he sees you — as a sexual object for his own gratification. If he cared about you and respected you, he would never rush you or pressure you into anything faster than you’re comfortable with. Period. If he’s rushing and pressuring, he’s a hedonistic man-child at best, and a predator at worst. If he is fixated on sex early-on, before a mutual commitment is made, what he is actually communicating, is that he values your body in the immediate present; not your heart, not your mind, or you as a person in his future.
#3 Just Because You Have a Consensual Urge, Does Not Mean it Will Lead to The Outcome You Want
Women are more emotional than men. Beyond physical attraction, the more emotionally connected we are to a man, the more likely we want to have sex with him. However, when we don’t really know a man, women can project an image of what they think or hope this man is like. This is why reality testing across time is so important!
When women see a successful man, we assume he’s ready to settle down and get married. When men see a successful man, they assume he’s ready to play the field!
A romanticized projection can influence a woman’s emotional attachment and sexual desire. We can genuinely feel a consensual urge for sex, and assume it’s coming from a place of certainty that the attachment is strong and it will lead to a loving, committed relationship.
Unfortunately, this romanticized assumption is another form of girl math. This is a significant difference between men and women. Sex means more to women than men. There is a spiritual aspect to sex outside of the physical. Sex creates life, with the duty of pregnancy solely on women. Evolutionarily speaking, it is in women’s best interest to mate with a man with whom we have a loving attachment that will ensure our protection and the survival of our children. Sex and love are interwoven into our neurochemistry.
Just because we have a consensual sexual urge, does not mean it is a sign or guarantee that men want a committed relationship with us. If we decide to have sex with a man without prolonged evidence of his commitment towards us, we open the door to heartache and feeling sexually exploited. Women need to know this!
This is where many women get stuck in the limbo of situationships. Women are not capable of casual sex without forming a bond. It defies the science of human attachment. It defies our nature as women. If a woman is capable of casual sex without forming attachments, it is a result of trauma; not a sign of independence or security. For a more detailed description of the harm of situationships, check out my previous articles: You’re Being Gaslit About Situationships, Situationship Advice, How to Get Out of a Situationship, and How to Avoid a Situationship. You can also watch my Situationships Playlist on YouTube.
Where Can I Find More Help?
If you’re looking for a space to process relational trauma and develop a healthy sexuality — therapy can be a great resource for you!
Maybe you aren’t fully ready for therapy yet — That’s okay too! Click the button below to subscribe to my YouTube Channel, Tips from a Therapist, where I offer some of my best tips on how to improve your relationship with yourself and other people.
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The more you know, the more you grow!
