3 Sex Tips for Men
My heart goes out to men. It has always been tough to be a man, though it is especially hard now. Positive role models and examples of healthy sexual relationships are nonexistent for most men. This has an immediate negative impact on the current generation of men, as well as dire consequences down stream for society at large.
Too many men are uninformed, misinformed or fearful in how to approach sex, and are widely discouraged from prioritizing love and relationships at all. Recent research has shown 63% of young men under 30 have dropped out of the dating pool entirely. Furthermore, recent data predicts that 45% of women between the ages of 25 and 44 will be single and childless by 2030.
As a psychotherapist trained in marriage and family therapy, I understand how urgently men need guidance and encouragement. Here are three sex tips for men, that you likely haven’t heard elsewhere.
#1 Quality Over Quantity
Don’t prioritize a high body count. It doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Cultural messaging gaslights men into believing they should have sex with as many women as they can; that it’s in their nature, it will make them more of a man and better at sex. These are all lies!
Evolutionarily speaking, humans are not the same as other animals. Human mothers have a relatively long gestation period compared to the rest of the animal kingdom, and our babies are significantly more reliant on parents for much longer. The survival of the vulnerable mother and offspring required men to stick around! Primal men were not impregnating and evacuating like other animals were.
In regards to the lie that a higher body count would make you more of a man, I think it comes down to what exactly people mean by that. If you believe the first lie, that it’s in men’s nature, then the second lie is an easy follow-through. However, since the first lie isn’t true, being more of a man must mean something else. Take a moment to consider the qualities and characteristics of a man worth becoming more similar to. What comes to mind? Integrity? Responsibility? Courage? Decisiveness? Those are not the qualities gained by leaving a trail of used bodies and broken hearts! Because of this, high body counts are more likely to prolong male adolescence, rather than promote manhood.
Having a high body count doesn’t even make you better at sex! If you’re going for quantity over quality, you aren’t learning anything. Think about it; the first time you have sex with someone, it’s usually the worst it will ever be, because you don’t know what each other likes yet. Every woman’s body is different, and we like different things. Having sex once or twice before you move onto the next, means you’re trying similar moves on different women and hoping that it works.
It’s kind of like calling yourself a musician, because you’ve picked up dozens of different instruments once or twice. No! A musician picks up one instrument dozens and dozens of times and develops mastery with that. Getting great at sex is similar! Learn one woman’s body to a masterful level, by having a positive and ongoing relationship with her. Women have better orgasms when they’re emotionally bonded with a man! That being said, having a high body count can actually make you worse at sex. Don’t aim to be a jack of all trades, but a master at none.
However, there are things that having a high body count does do. It does make you better at detaching from the emotional experience of sex. It does keep you at a distance from prolonged physical intimacy. It does make you better at dissociating from the humanity of the women you have sex with. It does keep you from experiencing deep connection and love. It does reinforce negative overgeneralized beliefs about women. It does keep you from being accountable and honorable towards yourself and the women you sleep with.
If you already have a high body count, this isn’t meant as a judgment. Consider this an opportunity to reflect on what brought you to this place, and whether or not you want to continue to stay here.
If you don’t have a lot of sexual experience, consider this an invitation to let go of the lies and focus on healthier means of sexual development.
#2 Wean Off of Porn
I know I’m probably not the first person to tell you that porn is really bad for your brain. There are tons of great podcasts and YouTube videos that break down the negative neurological and hormonal impact of porn, but I’d like to break it down for you in a simple, practical way.
Porn makes men too reliant on visual cues in order to orgasm. Watching porn regularly makes it difficult to focus on physical sensations during sex. It’s harder to stay present in the moment when you’re actually with a woman.
Furthermore, pornography makes performance anxiety worse. Watching porn is a passive activity. You’re sitting there, or laying there, staring at a screen with a lot of intensity, without your body moving very much. Repeating this process over and over wires your brain and body to experience sexual pleasure in a stagnant way.
So when you are called for action with a woman in real life, men can freeze up. Watching porn does not make men better at sex, the same way watching basketball doesn’t make them better basketball players. Playing the game is what makes them better!
Think about it, porn is literally a performance. Sex in real life is not! Sex is a shared experience between two people. Pornography illustrates a man doing something to a woman, rather than doing something with her. And here is your friendly reminder that healthy women enjoy the latter!
It is much better to have more sex with a consistent partner that you trust and can talk about what you both like. That way it’s not a performance — it’s an ongoing process towards learning ultimate pleasure for both parties!
This learning encourages intimacy outside of the bedroom by building emotional trust and communication. The more emotionally connected you are, the more she enjoys it. The more she enjoys it, the more you enjoy it!
Finally, the quality of orgasm during sex is much better without porn. If you haven’t tried that yet, see for yourself!
#3 Don’t Assume She’s Competent in Her Birth Control
Women love to give guys a hard time for not understanding women’s bodies. However, it is shocking how many women don’t have hormonal literacy or understand their own reproductive cycle!
There is so much information out there about the negative side effects of various forms of birth control. Many women are switching between options or getting off of birth control altogether, without fully understanding or disclosing the process to their sexual partners.
Birth control methods are imperfect and so are human beings. Sometimes these lapse in consistency are honest mistakes, and sometimes it’s a learning curve to transitioning to a new means of birth control.
Unfortunately, sometimes it’s deliberate incompetence. Whether it’s an attempt to have a child she’s impatient to have on her own, or to get a man to commit to her romantically or financially. Like I said earlier, most women are not like this! However, they do exist.
Hookup culture and the normalization of situationships leave women frustrated on how to get a man to commit to them. Women of poor character or mental illness are willing to use a child as a chance to get a man to stick around, or to exploit his biological capital to give herself a child.
Men — you really need to be selective with who you have sex with, as the possibility of conceiving a child is always there. Do not have unprotected sex with someone until you’re in a committed relationship and you would be okay with her being the mother of your child. Resist the urge to rush into sex as soon as she’s okay with it. If she’s open to sex early on, take that as a sign of insecurity or emotional immaturity. Assess her personality and character across time; at a minimum of 30 to 60 days, but 90 days would be even better.
If you’d like more information on how to assess for a healthy partner, check out my videos: Signs of Emotional Maturity, and How to Date for a Long Lasting Marriage.
Where Can I Find More Help?
If you’re looking for a space to process relational trauma and develop a healthy sexuality — therapy can be a great resource for you!
Maybe you aren’t fully ready for therapy yet — That’s okay too! Click the button below to subscribe to my YouTube Channel, Tips from a Therapist, where I offer some of my best tips on how to improve your relationship with yourself and other people.
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The more you know, the more you grow!
