Avoidant Attachment vs Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Does the person on your mind have an avoidant attachment style, or narcissistic personality disorder? There is some overlap between the two that can make it difficult to know for sure what you’re dealing with, and therefore, how you should proceed.
If you’re in a relationship, this question comes down to whether or not they are capable of change. Attachment styles can change, but someone with narcissistic personality disorder cannot.
You’re asking, “is there hope? Am I wasting my time trying to invest in this person?”
If you’re no longer in the relationship, this question boils down to,“what the heck happened, and how do I never let that happen again?”
I’m here with some important distinctions to help you answer those questions.
Similarities Between Avoidant Attachment and Narcissism
Avoidant attachment and narcissism are similar in the following ways:
They both can be self-centered
They both struggle with sustained intimacy
They both avoid being vulnerable in front of others in fear of being portrayed as weak or incompetent
They both are sensitive to criticism and stubborn with disagreements
and they both avoid accountability towards their impact on others, especially when it comes to how they make others feel
Differences Between Avoidant Attachment and Narcissism
The first distinction is found in their pattern of regulating closeness and distance. Narcissists use love bombing to create a quick, intense connection with you, then remove it when you aren’t doing what they want you to do. Narcissists use distance to punish, manipulate, and control you. With a narcissist, you only get affection and closeness as long as you’re feeding their ego. If you’d like to learn more about love bombing, check out my previous article/video, How to Tell the Difference Between Love Bombing and Genuine Love.
On the other hand, someone with avoidant attachment does not have a love bombing phase. They are pretty consistent with the amount of affection and closeness they’re comfortable with in the beginning and across time. Avoidants use distance to regulate their discomfort with closeness, and make themselves feel safe. They’ve either never really trusted anyone before, or when they did trust someone, they were hurt. Therefore, avoidants are hesitant to get close to someone again. Intimacy can feel overwhelming and uncomfortable, because it registers as a threat. In their minds, being close to someone else takes away from their own autonomy and freedom. Unlike the narcissist, distance isn’t about controlling or punishing you, it’s about protecting themselves.
Pay attention to when they distance themselves. Is it a power move or punishment for disappointing them? Or does it seem to come up when intimacy grows beyond what they’re used to?
The second distinction is found in how they regulate their emotions and sense of self. Narcissists demand that you regulate their distressing emotions and manage their self esteem. With narcissists, you are solely responsible for how they feel and how they look. You work like their thermostat — if it gets a little too hot, you’re expected to step-in and to cool it down.
In contrast, avoidants are hyper-independent. They don’t rely on others to regulate their emotions; they deal with it on their own. Avoidants don’t depend on others to define who they are. It’s actually quite the opposite; they cling to their sense of self, separate from you.
The third distinction is found in how they manage conflict. Avoidants don’t like conflict. They are much more likely to shut down, run away, or ignore problems all together. Proper conflict management requires a certain level of intimacy and collaboration with someone else, which is distressing for avoidants. Narcissists on the other hand, instigate conflict to destabilize you. Any time they are actually accountable for a problem, narcissists will find a way to flip it back on you. They will pick a fight to chip away at your self esteem, isolate you from others, and make you reliant on them to be your sole connection. Narcissists use conflict to confuse and control you. Avoidants don’t.
Should You Have Hope?
Yes, technically avoidants have the ability to become more securely attached and grow their tolerance to closeness and intimacy, while people with narcissistic personality disorder do not have the capacity to change. However, on average, only one-in-four people successfully change their attachment style from insecure to secure over a four-year period.
Usually this is accomplished through therapy and a securely attached partner that is patient with their gradual exposure to trust and intimacy. If you do not have secure attachment and they aren’t in therapy looking to become more secure themselves — don’t hold your breath.
However, the question of whether or not someone is avoidant or narcissistic is incredibly valid and useful information! Being able to tell the difference between an avoidantly attached person and a narcissist is a necessary part of accurately reflecting on the past, processing what happened, grieving the loss of attachment, gaining closure and moving forward in future relationships, wiser.
A flaw that I’ve noticed with so-called “dating coaches” or “relationship specialists” with no in-depth therapeutic training or understanding of attachment and human development, is an oversimplification; “Here are red flags to avoid, and green flags to look for.” This is helpful, surface-level information on a rational level. But this type of advice is best when we aren’t already attached to someone! In matters of the heart, once that attachment bond is made, the mind doesn’t easily overpower the heart.
Just because we see a red flag, doesn’t mean we know what to do about it. Some of us are attracted to red flags because they’re familiar and exciting! Deeper therapeutic work beyond what TikTok advice can offer is needed to elicit real change; to recalibrate our blueprint for love into one that is healthy and secure. And if you were or are attached to a narcissist, most people don’t understand just how Earth-shattering that is! It’s not as simple as red-light-green-light, because we lost trust of our own eyes.
It’s understandable that people look for diagnoses and labels to make sense of their experience. It’s human to look for signs of potential danger. It’s okay that you need to know this in order to grieve the loss of the love you hoped to have. It’s fully understandable that diagnoses and labels help you make sense of the complicated terrain of dating and relationships.
AND — I encourage you to not be too reliant on them, or too focused on figuring out other people. The ultimate goal is to focus on what’s relevant to you. Knowing what your needs to feel loved are, and being mindful whether or not this person is able to consistently meet them. This is the ideal, more direct route to the ultimate destination of safe and secure love. But most people aren’t blessed with ideal conditions or accurate self awareness! Take what you need from labels, then focus on the bigger picture.
Regardless of motivation, if avoidance and distance is intolerable to you based on your emotional needs, their diagnosis or label doesn’t matter. What matters is simply that they aren’t a compatible match with what you need.
Where Can I Find More Help?
If you’re looking for a space to better understand your attachment style, what to look for to find compatible matches or work through mismatched attachment needs — therapy can be a great resource for you!
Maybe you aren’t fully ready for therapy yet — That’s okay too! Click the button below to subscribe to my YouTube Channel, Tips from a Therapist, where I offer some of my best tips on how to improve your relationship with yourself and other people.
If you found this helpful, please share it with a friend!
The more you know, the more you grow!
