How to Outsmart A Narcissistic Person

If you’ve ever tried to argue with a narcissistic person, you know how bad it can be! It’s a game of “you always lose and they always win, by any means necessary.”

Their conscious is not bound by logic, fairness, mutual respect, and a desire for both people to be satisfied. Therefore, conflict with narcissistic people must be handled differently; and here’s how to do it!

Difference in Objective

First and foremost, you need to understand that narcissistic people do not have the same objective as you. When disagreements arise, non-narcissistic people are looking to resolve the conflict. You seek to understand the other, and expect the other person cares about understanding you too. You care about emotional safety, validation, collaboration and respect. For a non-narcissistic person, their ultimate objective is a mutually beneficial outcome that leads to more closeness.

The objective of narcissistic people, on the other hand, is to affirm their rightness. When disagreements arise, they seek to discredit your experience and prioritize theirs. No one’s opinion or feelings matter except theirs. Their ultimate objective is gaining power and exerting control over others. They don’t want to resolve, they want to restrain; to influence others by force or coercion.

Difference in Available Tools

The second thing you need to understand, is not only do narcissistic people have different objectives, they also have different tools to achieve that objective.

Non-narcissistic people are emotionally mature and capable of collaborative cognitive reasoning. We have the humility, self-awareness, personal responsibility, empathy and reliability to pursue our objective of conflict resolution. We want to have an honest, vulnerable conversation that can lead both people being happier. We want trust, intimacy, closeness, mutual accountability, clear communication and win-win solutions. We prioritize collaboration and mutual wellbeing.

We care about the “we” and “us”. Furthermore, we have a moral conscience that prevents us from playing dirty and treating others as less-than ourselves.

Narcissistic people, on the other hand, don’t have any of those nice tools I just mentioned! In fact, they have a pervasive impairment. They are inflexible, rigid, and lack the “give and take” possessed by non-narcissistic people.

Instead, they use a totally different set of tools. They distort reality, deny all accountability for wrong doing, and dismiss any harm they cause you. They twist your words, and accuse you of things you didn’t do to take the heat off themselves. They project their issues onto you, gaslight, and blame you for their abusive behaviors, so you’re always the one at fault.

When they can’t force you to do what they want, they play the victim, emotionally coerce, and punish you when you aren’t doing what they want you to do. There is no “we”; only “me, myself and I.”

Now I know this can be really confusing, because it’s not always bad. Narcissistic people also have the tool of love bombing, which can make us think they do care about us. However, as Aristotle said: “We are what we repeatedly do.” Ask yourself, what is this person most often like? Outside of the love bombing stage, narcissistic people are not interested in seeking to understand your perspective, care about your feelings, or willing to meet your needs when it’s inconvenient for them.

In fact, the vulnerability and intimacy you shared with them in the love bombing phase was later used against you, wasn’t it? So it was never genuine. I need you to hear something loud and clear — Intensity is not intimacy. If you’re struggling to tell the difference between real love and love bombing, check out my previous article entitled: How to Tell The Difference Between Love Bombing and Genuine Love.

Outsmarting a narcissistic person begins with knowing you’re not playing the same game, you aren’t playing by the same rules, and you don’t have similar equipment.

How to Outsmart a Narcissistic Person

Now that you know what you’re dealing with, it’s time to restrategize. We cannot use vulnerability and reason with narcissistic people. They will use malicious tricks and toxic methods to get what they want with no remorse, because remorse requires emotional maturity and cognitive reasoning - which they don’t have.

The way to outsmart a narcissist, is to know the game they’re trying to play, and opt out of it! Don’t even think about stepping out onto the field, because they will out play you! The game narcissistic people play, is called staging dramas and setting traps.

Staging Dramas

Narcissistic people rely on what we call “dramas”. This consists of them taking on different roles in order to construct the narrative that they are always right. The four most common roles include: the victim, the persecutor, the rescuer, and the mute. In order to psychologically and emotionally destabilize you, narcissistic people will shape shift into these roles in order to maintain power and control. Here’s how they do it:

In the victim role, they convince others that they are innocent, powerless and need to be taken care of. They’re helpless, hopeless, and can’t exist on their own. They might make themselves into the perpetual sufferer, who has no control (and therefore responsibility) in their life, because they’ve been hurt in the past. They get their power by playing the victim, guilt-tripping, and making others feel sorry for them. They complain and complain, but never accept help, because being victimized is how they keep others people or situations as “the bad guy”. As long as they are in the victim role, you can never be the victim.

In the persecutor role, they are dominant, aggressive and you must submit. They alone are in charge, they make the rules (that never apply to them), and they’re also the judge and jury with you on trial with no legal counsel. They want all the benefits of a relationship without any of the responsibility. They are the star, and you are just their supporting actor; you are an accessory to the life they demand. As long as they are in the persecutor role, you will always be “the bad guy”.

In the rescuer role, they make themselves into the self-sacrificing caretaker. They get their power by being needed, and all relationships are orchestrated so everyone thinks they are giving up something. They never need to be accountable because they’ve already “done enough.” They don’t need to treat you well, because you owe them. In the rescuer role, any wrong doing is hidden behind the image of “favors”, that are really strings that bind you. As long as they are in the rescuer role, you will always be the ungrateful one.

In the role of a mute, they act like nothing happened. It can either be full silent treatment until you come around and apologize, or they act like nothing happened. They get their power by avoiding the issue and pretending like everything is fine. As long as they are in the mute role, you will always be crazy for bringing up issues that “don’t exist.”

Do any of these sound familiar to you? Some narcissistic people will favor one role over the others, and other narcissistic people will morph and shape shift in and out of all of these roles in order to maintain control.

When we don’t realize we’re dealing with a narcissistic person, we think we’re entering a good faith, conflict resolution conversation. In actuality, we were tricked into participating in a narcissistic drama where we are always wrong, no matter what!

When we fall into the trap, we get lost in what the problem actually is. Somehow we end up defending ourself, shutting down, or getting flustered and frustrated. We don’t realize they aren’t listening until we step away. If the drama succeeds and we fall into the trap, the narcissistic person feels good, and we feel upset, sick and confused. This is because they’ve successfully used us.

Here’s What to Do Instead

The drama cannot achieve its purpose without your participation.

Don’t take the bait. Stay in control. This is really difficult, because they are hell-bent on either exhausting you into submission or getting a rise out of you so you lose your cool and they can say, “See?! You’re the crazy one!” Either way, they receive their narcissist supply of power and control. The thing about narcissistic supply, is that it is never satiating; there will never be enough to fill them up and change them into an emotionally mature and reasonable person. As much as they want to convince you otherwise, their deficits have nothing to do with you.

The silver lining in dealing with narcissistic people, is that once you know who you’re dealing with, they are actually very simple and predictable. You know their objective is to win, and you know the tricks they like to pull. With that, you can manage expectations and preplan responses rather than react and get sucked in to the conflict trap.

Focus on what you can control, which is yourself. I want you to prepare in advance. Think to yourself: (1) Which tools do they typically use against me? (2) What do they say or do to get a rise out of me? (3) Which roles do they tend to hide behind? Take the time to get very clear answers to these questions, as they will be your anchors when the storm hits. Armed with this information, you can plan ahead what your responses will be when they try to trick you, and come up with boundaries on how to protect yourself. A therapist would be a great resource in helping you construct and practice this in advance. Preplanned responses should be based in facts, non-emotional, short, and persistent. Boundaries should be clear with specific consequences to ensure enforcement.

This is how you avoid getting sucked into the drama. Expect to be attacked. Remember that they are purposefully pushing our buttons. Don’t give them the satisfaction of an emotional reaction. Don’t buy into their attempts, and don’t return fire. Yes, this is extremely hard, so be gracious with your mistakes and learn from them. Making the choice to not to show them your reaction isn’t being weak or passive, it is maintaining your power.

When they set the trap, I want to you stop and think. Take a moment, take a breath, and ground yourself; you know what this is. State your preplanned response based on your advance preparation, keeping it short, firm, and fact-based. They will try to continue the drama by intensifying their role or switching to a new one. When they do this, repeat your preplanned response, cue your boundaries, and disengage the interaction.

Remember that you are not dealing with a reasonable person, so reasonable methods will never work. You are not dealing with an emotionally mature person, so your vulnerability or trying to empathize with their protective role won’t work either. You have totally conflicting goals.

Reject the lie that if you say the right thing, at the right time, in the right way, then they will finally understand. It’s like taking a fish out of water, pouring water on it for a while, and expecting it to acclimate to breathing air.

When dealing with a narcissistic person, we have to manage our expectations, and accept the limits of their capabilities. Not accept the abuse; accept the limits. This means accepting that there will be limited depth in the relationship. A close relationship with a narcissistic person will always be contentious and involve dramas and stunted growth, so distance and boundaries are necessary for your safety and sanity; if you choose to continue the relationship at all.

The Goal

Outsmarting the narcissist is not about changing them. And it’s not about you learning how to single-handedly make an unhealthy relationship into a healthy one; because that’s not possible.

It’s about learning how to spot a trap and not take the bait. It’s about breaking the pattern that has kept you trapped in this toxic cycle. It’s about taking your power back, getting out of the haze, regaining your balance, emotionally detaching from the narcissistic person and taking the next best step for you, rather than getting caught up in the narcissistic person’s game.

The goal is being able to tell when you’re dealing with an emotionally immature and unreasonable person. The goal is developing the wisdom to discern when they don’t have the same objective, priorities, and tactics as a mature and reasonable person. The goal is for you to feel empowered to opt out of dramatic engagement with them. Depending on the nature of the relationship, whether they’re a romantic partner, coparent, friend, family member or someone you have to work with, “opting out” can mean different things.

It could include firm boundaries on how much time you spend with them, or having certain topics that you refuse to engage with, or never being alone with them. It could look like low contact or no contact at all.

When you realize you’re dealing with a narcissist, this is your new mantra: If the priority isn’t “we”, it has to be “me’”… Now wait a second, Tya, wouldn’t that make ME a narcissist??

NO! Narcissists believe they are more important than anyone else; you just want to be treated as important as anyone else. Not above anybody, and not below anybody. You actually want trust, intimacy, closeness, mutual accountability, clear communication and solution to conflict! You genuinely care about the “we” and the “us”. Now, you’re just wise enough to know when the other person doesn’t.

I’ve got SO much more to say on this topic, so stay tuned for more content related to understanding narcissistic people and how to heal from narcissistic abuse!

Where Can I Find More Help?

If you’re looking for a place to heal from narcissistic abuse and learn skills to manage conflict better, therapy could be a great resource for you! You can start by clicking the button below to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation with me, and see if we’d be a good fit!

Maybe you aren’t fully ready for therapy yet — That’s okay too! Click the button below to check-out my YouTube Channel, Tips from a Therapist, where I offer some of my best tips on how to improve your relationship with yourself and other people. Once you get to my channel, click Subscribe!

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