How a Narcissistic Person Thinks
If you’re reading this article, you’ve got a difficult person in your life that you can’t understand and struggle to engage with. You’re looking for answers on Google, because you can’t get a straight answer from this person. You’re struggling to explain or teach things they should have learned in kindergarten, like basic social skills.
These are some of the red flags that point to the potential of narcissistic personality disorder. And since people with narcissistic personality disorder don’t think of themselves as the problem, they almost never get officially diagnosed, so those around them have to try to figure it out.
In your online search, you may have learned that people who have narcissistic personality disorder can present in different variations and intensities. You may have heard terms like, “malignant narcissist”, “grandiose narcissist”, “covert narcissist”, “antagonist narcissist” and so on.
All these different categories can make an already complicated relationship feel even more confusing and overwhelming. However, there are a few common denominators of each type of narcissistic presentation that can help simplify your understanding of how a narcissistic person thinks, so you can be better prepared to protect yourself.
Difference in Neurobiology
People with narcissistic personality disorder are different from people without it. That is why they have a label of “narcissistic” to help categorize and differentiate them from people who do not have those traits. This is like how both apples and oranges are fruits, but oranges have a distinction of being a “citrus”.
But why are they different? Where does narcissistic personality disorder come from?
When it comes to narcissistic personality disorder, (which is different from narcissistic tendencies) they’re born with it. There’s a genetic component or brain malfunction that doesn’t allow for full cognitive development. Both Personality Disorders and Developmental Disorders, like autism, are categorized as pervasive. Meaning they will always exist, and there is no cure. Understanding how narcissistic people think differently from us begins with understanding how their brains are different.
Neurobiologically, their brain chemistry is significantly different. There is disorganization in their cognitive processing, so they don’t think the same way we do. There’s disordered impulse control, where they can’t regulate themselves the way others can. Their amygdala and limbic system have excessive reactivity, and they have reduced prefrontal inhibition. All of this contributes to their inability to accurately perceive and deal with reality, tolerate stress, and have healthy relationships with others.
Personality disorders are not merely learned behavior, a result of a traumatic history, or a dysfunctional upbringing. It’s not rooted in insecure attachment, and it isn’t a wounded inner child. Now, a narcissistic person may try to manipulate you by using those things as excuses for their behavior, but I am here to tell you it is not true! Yes, they may have had bad things happen to them, but that does not cause their narcissism. Research has shown we can tell whether someone has narcissistic personality disorder as early as age 2! You need to acknowledge these neurobiological differences, before you can understand how a narcissistic person thinks, and therefore appropriately protect yourself.
Difference in Objective
When you inevitably get into conflict with a narcissistic person, you need to understand that narcissistic people do not have the same objective as you. When disagreements arise, non-narcissistic people are looking to resolve the conflict. You seek to understand the other person, and expect the other person cares about understanding you too. You care about emotional safety, validation, collaboration and respect. For a non-narcissistic person, their ultimate objective is to find a mutually beneficial outcome that leads to more closeness.
The objective of narcissistic people, on the other hand, is to affirm their rightness. They are not interested in solving problems if doing so requires the acknowledgment of their wrongness. They will deny, dismiss and distort reality to avoid any accountability for changing behavior that negatively impacts other people. When disagreements arise, they seek to discredit your experience and prioritize theirs. No one’s opinion or feelings matter except theirs. Their ultimate objective is gaining power and exerting control over others. They don’t want to resolve, they want to restrain; to influence others by force or coercion.
To a narcissistic person, being “wrong” is the destruction of themselves. Their whole identity and sense of safety is rooted in their “rightness”. When you try to hold them accountable or reason with them, to them, it feels like an existential threat. That’s why they’ll never let you win. The stakes are too high for them.
Difference in Available Tools
The next thing you need to understand is not only do narcissistic people have different objectives, they also have different tools to achieve those objectives.
Non-narcissistic people are emotionally mature and capable of collaborative cognitive reasoning. We have the humility, self-awareness, personal responsibility, empathy and reliability to pursue our objective of conflict resolution. We want to have an honest, vulnerable conversation that can lead to both people being happier. We want trust, intimacy, closeness, mutual accountability, clear communication and win-win solutions. We prioritize collaboration and mutual wellbeing.
We care about the “we” and “us”. Furthermore, we have a moral conscience that prevents us from playing dirty and treating others as less-than ourselves.
Narcissistic people, on the other hand, don’t have any of those nice tools I just mentioned! In fact, they have a pervasive impairment; they are emotionally immature and incapable of collaborative cognitive reasoning. They are inflexible, rigid, and lack the “give and take” possessed by non-narcissistic people.
Instead, they use a totally different set of tools. They distort reality, deny all accountability for wrong doing, and dismiss any harm they cause you. They twist your words, and accuse you of things you didn’t do to take the heat off themselves. They project their issues onto you, gaslight, and blame you for their abusive behaviors, so you’re always the one at fault. They are olympians in mental gymnastics, and can shape shift themselves to never be the one at fault.
When they can’t force you to do what they want, they play the victim, emotionally coerce, and punish you when you aren’t doing what they want you to do. For narcissistic people, there is no “we”; only “me, myself and I.”
Now, I know this can be really confusing, because it’s not always bad. Narcissistic people also have the tool of love bombing, which can make us think they do care about us. But listen to me closely — intensity is not intimacy.
Consider what Aristotle said: “We are what we repeatedly do.” Ask yourself, what is this person most often like? Outside of the love bombing stage, narcissistic people are not interested in seeking to understand your perspective, care about your feelings, or willing to meet your needs when it’s inconvenient for them.
In fact, the vulnerability and intimacy you shared with them in the love bombing phase was later used against you, wasn’t it? So it was never genuine. If you’re struggling to tell the difference between real love and love bombing, check out my previous article entitled: How to Tell The Difference Between Love Bombing and Genuine Love.
Understanding how a narcissistic person thinks comes down to knowing you’re not playing the same game, you aren’t playing by the same rules, and you don’t have similar equipment. I’ve got SO much more to say on this topic, so stay tuned for more content related to understanding narcissistic people and how to heal from narcissistic abuse! If you’d like an in-depth understanding of the tactics narcissistic people use to manipulate you, stay tuned for my next article!
Where Can I Find More Help?
If you’re looking for a place to heal from narcissistic abuse and learn skills to manage conflict better, therapy could be a great resource for you! You can start by clicking the button below to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation with me, and see if we’d be a good fit!
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