Narcissists Unmasked: How to Recognize and Evade Their Manipulation Tactics
If you’ve ever tried to argue with a narcissistic person, you know it feels like absolute mayhem. Trying to reason with them doesn’t work, because they’re slippery.
They twist your words, change the subject, gaslight, lie and deny any perspective that isn’t in their own best interest. No matter how much evidence you try to present, everything is somehow always your fault, including why they’re unhappy in their own life. They project by accusing you of things they’re doing, and deflect responsibility by blaming you for their abusive behaviors. You can’t help but notice the rules they insist on you, somehow never apply to them.
Trying to appeal to a narcissistic person on an emotional level also turns out to be a dumpster fire, because they totally lack empathy. They use your vulnerabilities against you, and make you believe you are so flawed that you’re lucky to have them. They’re so self-absorbed, that acknowledging your hurt feelings and unmet needs are seen as an attack on them, and a sign of your lack of appreciation.
You are a mere accessory to their life; you’re supposed to be there for them, but any of your needs are selfish and a burden. All of the emotional labor to keep the relationship together is solely on you, so you should only expect to be treated well when you’re obedient to what they want.
Simplifying the Narcissistic Strategy
All of these behaviors can be simplified as “DARVO”, as coined by Psychologist Dr. Jennifer Freyed. DARVO is an acronym for: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It is a manipulation tactic used by abusers to avoid responsibility for their actions and confuse the victim.
The perpetrator denies or minimizes any wrongdoing. They attack the victim or anyone who calls them out, and they reverse the roles where they claim to be the victim and accuse the victim of being the aggressor.
Staging Dramas
In order to reverse the victim/offender role, narcissistic people stage “dramas”. They do this by shifting the narrative so they are always right, and you are always wrong.
And since narcissistic people are emotionally immature and cognitively stunted, their thinking is very black and white. There can only be one good guy, and one bad guy. Not only are they always right, it’s not even a possibility in their mind that both people are somewhat at fault or share at least some of the accountability.
In order to psychologically and emotionally destabilize you, narcissistic people will shape shift in and out of certain roles in order to maintain their image, power and control. The four most common roles include: the victim, the persecutor, the rescuer, and the mute. Here’s how it works:
The victim: they convince others that they are innocent, powerless or need to be taken care of. They’re helpless, hopeless, and can’t exist on their own. They might make themselves into the perpetual sufferer, who has no control (and therefore, no responsibility) in their life, because they’ve been hurt in the past. They get their power by playing the victim, guilt-tripping, and making others feel sorry for them. They complain and complain, but never accept help, because being victimized is how they keep other people or situations as “the bad guy”. As long as they occupy the victim role, you can never be the victim, no matter how egregious their behavior is.
The persecutor: they are critical, accusatory, and dominant. They make the rules (that never apply to them), and they’re the judge and jury with you on trial. They want all the benefits of a relationship, but you’re the only one burdened with the responsibility. You are an accessory to the life they demand. If they are not happy or things are not perfect, your head is on the chopping block. As long as they are in the persecutor role, you will be defaulted into the role of “the bad guy/the one at fault/or not enough".
The rescuer: they make themselves into the self-sacrificing caretaker. The rescuer gets their power by being needed, and all relationships are orchestrated so others are dependent on them, and everyone thinks they are giving up something. They never need to be accountable because they’ve already “done enough.” They don’t need to treat you well, because you owe them. In the rescuer role, any wrong doing is hidden behind the image of “favors”, that are really strings that bind you. As long as they are in the rescuer role, you will always be “the ungrateful one”.
The mute: they act like nothing happened. It can either be full silent treatment until you come around and apologize, or they act like nothing happened. They get their power by avoiding the issue and pretending like everything is fine. As long as they are in the mute role, you will always “be crazy” or “the one who starts problems” for bringing up issues that “don’t exist.”
Do any of these sound familiar to you? Some narcissistic people will favor one role over the others, and other narcissistic people will morph and shape shift in and out of all of these roles in order to maintain control. If necessary, they’ll recruit other people to validate their narrative or influence you to comply. This is part of the reason why narcissistic people don’t like to be single and like keep a lot of people around them; so they always have someone to blame!
When we don’t realize we’re dealing with a narcissistic person, we think we’re entering a good faith, conflict resolution conversation. In actuality, we were tricked into participating in a narcissistic drama!
When we fall into the trap, we get lost in what the problem actually is. Somehow we end up defending ourself, shutting down, or getting flustered and frustrated. We don’t realize they aren’t listening until we step away. If the drama succeeds and we fall into the trap, the narcissistic person feels good, but we feel upset, sick and confused. This is because they’ve successfully used us.
How to Outsmart a Narcissistic Person
Now that you know what you’re dealing with, it’s time to change your strategy. As I covered in my previous article, How a Narcissistic Person Thinks, conflict with narcissistic people must be handled differently.
We cannot use vulnerability and reason with narcissistic people. They will use malicious tricks and toxic methods to get what they want with absolutely no remorse, because remorse requires emotional maturity and cognitive reasoning - which they don’t have.
The way to outsmart a narcissist, is to know the DARVO game they’re trying to play, and opt out of it! Don’t even think about stepping out onto the field, because they will out play you!
Here is what you need to remember: The drama cannot achieve its purpose without your participation.
Don’t take the bait. Stay in control. This is really difficult, because they are hell-bent on either exhausting you into submission or getting a rise out of you so you lose your cool and they can say, “See?! You’re the crazy one!” Either way, they receive their narcissist supply of power and control. The thing about narcissistic supply, is that it is never satiating; there will never be enough to fill them up and change them into an emotionally mature and reasonable person. As much as they want to convince you otherwise, their deficits have nothing to do with you.
The silver lining in dealing with narcissistic people, is that once you know who you’re dealing with, they are actually very simple and predictable. You know their objective is to win, and you know the tricks they like to pull. With that, you can manage your expectations of what’s possible with them, set boundaries to protect yourself, and preplan responses rather than react and get sucked in to the conflict trap.
How to Protect Yourself from Narcissistic Manipulation
Focus on what you can control, which is yourself. I want you to prepare in advance. Think to yourself: (1) Which tools do they typically use against me? (2) What do they say or do to get a rise out of me? (3) Which roles do they tend to hide behind? Take the time to get very clear answers to these questions, as they will be your anchors when the storm hits. Armed with this information, you can plan ahead what your responses will be when they try to trick you, and come up with boundaries on how to protect yourself. A therapist would be a great resource in helping you construct and practice this in advance. Preplanned responses should be based in facts, non-emotional, short, and persistent. Boundaries should be clear with specific consequences to ensure enforcement.
This is how you avoid getting sucked into the drama. Expect to be attacked. Remember that they are purposefully pushing your buttons. Don’t give them the satisfaction of an emotional reaction. Don’t buy into their attempts, and don’t return fire. Yes, this is extremely hard, so be gracious with your mistakes and learn from them. Making the choice to not show them your reaction isn’t being weak or passive, it is maintaining your power.
When they set the trap, I want to you stop and think. Take a moment, take a breath, and ground yourself; you know what this is. State your preplanned response based on your advance preparation, keeping it short, firm, and fact-based. They will try to continue the drama by intensifying their role to pressure you, or switch to a new one. When they do this, repeat your preplanned response, cue your boundaries, and disengage the interaction.
Remember that you are not dealing with a reasonable person, so reasonable methods will never work. You are not dealing with an emotionally mature person, so your vulnerability or trying to empathize with their protective role won’t work either. You have totally different objectives.
Reject the lie that if you say the right thing, at the right time, in the right way, then they will finally understand. It’s like taking a fish out of water, pouring water on it for a while, and expecting it to acclimate to breathing air.
When dealing with a narcissistic person, we have to manage our expectations, and accept the limits of their capabilities. Not accept the abuse; accept the limits. This means accepting that there will be limited depth in the relationship. A close relationship with a narcissistic person will always be contentious and involve dramas and stunted growth, so distance and boundaries are necessary for your safety and sanity; if you choose to continue the relationship at all.
The Goal
Outsmarting the narcissist is not about changing them. And it’s not about you learning how to single-handedly make an unhealthy relationship into a healthy one; because that’s not possible.
It’s about learning how to spot a trap and not take the bait. It’s about breaking the pattern that has kept you trapped in this toxic cycle. It’s about taking your power back, getting out of the haze, regaining your balance, emotionally detaching from the narcissistic person and taking the next best step for you, rather than getting caught up in the narcissistic person’s game.
The goal is being able to tell when you’re dealing with an emotionally immature and unreasonable person. The goal is developing the wisdom to discern when they don’t have the same objective, priorities, and tactics as a mature and reasonable person. The goal is for you to feel empowered and capable of opting out of dramatic engagement with them. Depending on the nature of the relationship, whether they’re a romantic partner, coparent, friend, family member or someone you have to work with, “opting out” can mean different things.
It could include firm boundaries on how much time you spend with them, or having certain topics that you refuse to engage with, or never being alone with them. It could look like low contact or no contact at all.
When you realize you’re dealing with a narcissist, this is your new mantra: If the priority isn’t “we”, it has to be “me”.
… Now wait a second, Tya, wouldn’t that make me a narcissist??
Of course not! Narcissists believe they are more important than anyone else; you just want to be treated as important as anyone else. Not above anybody, and not below anybody. You genuinely care about the “we” and the “us”. Now, you’re just wise enough to know when the other person doesn’t.
I’ve got much more to say on this topic, so check out my previous articles and stay tuned for more content related to understanding narcissistic people and how to heal from narcissistic abuse!
Where Can I Find More Help?
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