Are You a Perfectionist, or Are You Just Insecure?

If you identify as a “perfectionist”, I imagine that question just triggered you…

But hear me out! There is a significant difference.

A Matter of Motivation

Perfectionism can be inspired by a worthy cause that you passionately pursue. Or, perfectionism can be a tool we use to avoid pain and gain self-esteem.

The “why” motivating the pursuit holds the distinction.

To know if you’re really a perfectionist, ask yourself two questions: Are you trying to contribute something perfect for the benefit of others, or for the benefit of yourself? And in the pursuit of perfection, how do mistakes feel to you?

Perfectionism as a Shield to Protect Yourself

Perfectionism can be a symptom of a personality disorder, an underlying part of anxiety, depression, or develop as a result of trauma. In this way, perfectionism serves the function of a protective shield.

We believe if we do everything perfectly, it can protect us from our fear of discomfort, criticism, judgment, and failure. Furthermore, if we are “perfect”, we never have to rely on anyone else and risk rejection, abandonment, or being let down.

The beauty of our perfection can present a pleasing front to others, gain a sense of acceptance and a feeling of being worthy that is not inherently felt without external proof of perfection.

For example, consider a doctor who intends to cure a disease. If the doctor is using perfectionism as a shield, their motivation is to prove they are a good enough and worthy doctor by curing the disease. To prove that their crushing student loan debt was a worthwhile investment.

Perfectionism as a Sword to Use Against Others

However, perfectionism can also be a sword we use against others. It feeds our ego and elevates our self-worth. Calling ourself a “perfectionist” and presenting as one, is how we prove we’re better than other people and gain a sense of significance.

Furthermore, if people have traumatized you in the past, you believe you can’t trust people and have only yourself to rely on. In this instance, perfectionism makes us self-righteous in having a competitive or combative stance with other people.

Returning to our doctor example, if the doctor is using perfectionism as a sword, their motivation is to be the one who cured the disease when others couldn’t. To name it after themselves, and be seen as exceptional in their field.

A Real Perfectionist

A real perfectionist is adaptive and has entirely different motives.

While a perfectionist has high standards and pursues goals relentlessly, they enjoy the challenge because their sense of self-worth isn’t on the line.

When it comes to motive, perfectionists aren’t looking to people please or dominate others. They are motivated simply to see what they are capable of or to serve others.

A doctor who is a real perfectionist is motivated by the love of medicine and helping the lives of people with the disease.

Feeling the Difference

We can feel the difference between a worthy cause that we passionately pursue as a true perfectionist, and the chase to avoid pain and make-up the felt deficit of being insecure.

If we’re insecure and use perfectionism as a shield or sword, mistakes and failures on the pursuit of perfection feel earth-shattering. We feel ashamed and mortified at the thought of anyone knowing of our mistakes. We could feel enraged or spiral into a very dark place.

For a perfectionist, mistakes and failures along the way may be frustrating and stressful, but they aren’t all-consuming because they interpret failure as information, and an opportunity to learn and grow.

Why it Matters

If you Google “perfectionist”, you’ll get results that list the difference between adaptive perfectionism and maladaptive perfectionism. But I believe this language is damaging. “Perfectionist” has a positive connotation to it, which makes it a sweet tasting poison.

It’s not helpful to delude ourselves. Calling ourselves “perfectionists” when we are really insecure is a harmful lie that enables the insecurity to persist and go unaddressed, or be addressed in an ineffective manner.

This is why I differentiate real perfectionists from perfectionism as a defense mechanism.

If within this article you realize your motives are coming from a place of insecurity, don’t be discouraged! This is actually good news! People whose perfectionism comes from insecurity suffer greatly. You’re paralyzed with fear, procrastinate and oscillate between anxiety and depression. Now, you have a clear vision of what you’re actually dealing with, and can forge a path forward towards developing security and confidence.

Where Can I Find More Help?

If you’re looking for a place to get to the root of your insecurity, therapy can be a great resource for you! You can start by clicking the button below to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation with me, and see if we’d be a good fit!

Maybe you aren’t fully ready for therapy yet — That’s okay too! Click the button below to check-out my YouTube Channel, Tips from a Therapist, where I offer some of my best tips on how to improve your relationship with yourself and other people. Once you get to my channel, click Subscribe!

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The more you know, the more you grow!