Why People Don’t Understand You
Do you feel chronically misunderstood, weird, or different from others? Do people who don’t know you frequently make inaccurate assumptions about you? Have you had to tell yourself, or other people, “if they only took the time to get to know me, things might be different…”
It’s profoundly painful to live in the loneliness of not being understood. Too many people crave connection — a place or a group of people where they belong — but can’t seem to find it. Why is that?
Here are five reasons…
#1 Your Outward Presentation Doesn’t Match Who You Are on the Inside
Sometimes this is on purpose. When we aren’t comfortable in who we are, we tend to hide those parts of ourselves from other people. We camouflage or conceal significant chunks of ourself, and when people interact with us, their brains have to try to fill in those blanks. This protective mechanism has consequences; including being difficult to understand. Furthermore, people can sense our trepidation, our hesitancy to be open, and take that as a sign to give you space.
This could also present as putting up a front in order to appear differently than how we actually are. Maybe we want to seem more confident, interesting, or informed. But it’s very difficult to fool an audience! People can typically pick up on our act, and feel that something is off. Rather than appearing like the best version of ourself, we appear dishonest. Which is also off-putting.
We as humans can tell when someone is being inauthentic; it’s instinctual. Even the best manipulators leave some clues.
Sometimes, this mismatch is not on purpose. Most people are not trained in style, aesthetics, or personal branding, so they’re somewhat ignorant to the vibe they put off. Or maybe they haven’t put much thought into it. Either way, their outside presentation doesn’t communicate the right message to others, and hinders their social connection.
#2 You Aren’t in Alignment with How You’d Like to be Seen by Others
This is similar to the first point, but goes a bit deeper.
You may have flawed self-awareness. Your self-perception —how you see yourself and believe yourself to be — may not be translating to how others perceive you. There’s an incongruence, a misalignment with who you think you are, and how you behave. For example, someone might think they are being funny and charismatic, but they come off as rude and obnoxious.
Part of the problem may be that you don’t know how you’re coming off. In an effort to reduce bullying and to be more compassionate and empathetic towards others, we aren’t always honest with them. It is a delicate art to gently correct someone. There’s that adage, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” However, these good intentions of not hurting our feelings can leave us stranded and confused as to why we aren’t getting the reaction we had hoped.
Or you could be a hypocrite. You lack the integrity of being who you claim to be. When people see that, they tend to keep you at arm’s length.
#3 You’re in the Wrong Place/With The Wrong People
People are not always born in the place where they belong; sometimes they have to seek it out. You could actually be very different from the people you’re currently around; and that’s not necessarily a bad thing!
Not everyone cares to understand everyone else. It’s impossible for everyone to like or be interested in us. That’s okay! We all have limited space in our lives and hearts that we reserve as we choose. Some people are just not our people.
You could be a zebra amongst horses. Just because you don’t see any zebras around now, doesn’t mean they don’t exist! Yes, everyone is unique, but you are also not SO unique and not SO strange that there is not a place for you on this planet. Go find the other zebras!
#4 You Value Being Different/Unique
Some people like to be the zebra amongst horses! They need to be different and stand out from other people. But there are consequences to this; you can’t be exceptional without being somewhat of an outsider.
They have a natural craving for human connection, but leverage themselves against others for their self-image. Yes, you should authentically be yourself, and that will make you different from other people. But don’t try to be so different that you alienate yourself. It is self-sabotage to rebel against the norm… then feel rejected by it. Some people are contrarian because not fitting in is their identity. If this is the case, you have to ask yourself: Which is more important to you, being different, or being connected?
That may not be an easy question to answer…
#5 You Don’t Know Yourself
How can others understand you, when you don’t understand yourself? When you don’t clearly know who you are, people can’t clearly see you. When we aren’t grounded in our true self, we present in a way that is confusing and lacking in depth.
People who are confused about who they are typically list things they like in place of who they are. Their identity is like a kaleidoscope, fragmented interests of the media they consume, activities, or things they like that other people made.
Knowing yourself is more-so reflected in your values and priorities. Sure, you have niche interests that you share with others. But there is also depth and clarity in what your purpose is, what’s most important to you, and an alignment of your values with the way you live your life.
That’s the difference between a kaleidoscope and a portrait. With a portrait, everything comes together in a clear picture that makes sense. People know what to do with that! Kaleidoscopes are cool, but not predictable. And it’s predictability that lets us know who someone is.
Where Can I Find More Help?
If you’re tired of feeling misunderstood, and you’re interested in developing self-awareness and social skills — therapy can be a great resource for you!
Maybe you aren’t fully ready for therapy yet — That’s okay too! Click the button below to subscribe to my YouTube Channel, Tips from a Therapist, where I offer some of my best tips on how to improve your relationship with yourself and other people.
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The more you know, the more you grow!
