Situationship Advice

If you find yourself in a situationship, and you’re not sure how you feel about it, this post is for you! If you don’t know what a situationship is, check out my previous post entitled, You’re Being Gaslit About Situationships.

People who think situationships are a good idea, usually say it’s because they’re “not ready for anything serious”, or they “don’t want to make things messy”. Ironically, situationships are incredibly messy, and the unknown feels surprisingly serious!

But they also aren’t all bad! There are aspects of situationships that are good, and we see hope and feel potential that can sustain our investment.

If you have mixed feelings about your situationship, here are three questions to ask yourself to gain some clarity:

#1 What is your felt experience in this type of dynamic?

Pay attention to how this person makes you feel — both when you’re with them, and when you’re alone. Usually it feels nice when you’re together. I can see why people get sucked into them! This person has great qualities; they’re available, they’re attractive enough to have sex with, and you can have some laughs together.

But what about when you’re not together?… What emotions, thoughts, and physical sensations do you notice when you’re alone? Are you perfectly content for them to do whatever they want with someone else? Or does that thought feel awful?… Are you content and comfortable? Or are you anxious, insecure, and find yourself obsessing about what things mean? …Do you feel valued and respected? Or do you feel like an option, rather than a choice?

Get a piece of paper, fold it in half vertically, and write down what it feels like when you’re together on one side, and what it feels like when you’re alone on the other side. This will help you intentionally become aware of what this type of not-relationship-relationship-dynamic feels like for you — and not just what it helps you avoid feeling. More on that in the next section…

#2 Which of your needs are being met? Which are unmet?

If a real relationship with someone you’re psyched about doesn’t seem to be an option, situationships can seem “good enough”. It’s almost as though people compare situationships to buying something off-brand or generic — it’s basically the same thing as a relationship, without the extra investment of advertising — Right? NO! This is not a valid analogy! People are not products!

Use that same piece of paper, flip it over, and use the other side. One column is for the needs that are met by the situationship, and the other column is for the needs that are unmet.

Let’s start with the needs being met. Does it fill the need to not be lonely? Is it a consistent source of sex? Is it having someone to call or text you? Is it a needed distraction from something else? Write down everything you can think of!

We also need to be specific and honest about which needs are unmet. Think about it, what’s missing from this dynamic? Does it meet your need to be loved and deeply understood? Is there a positive return on investment with this person across time? Is this person reliable when it’s inconvenient for them? Does this take you closer to the image of the future that you have for yourself? Write down as much as you can!

Avoiding pain and gaining pleasure are our two driving forces in life! Being clear on which needs are met, and which needs aren’t, helps illuminate the pain/pleasure ratio of the situationship. If the biggest pleasure is you temporarily avoiding pain, that’s not a sustainable strategy.

It would be like taking pain medication to alleviate symptoms, but not heal the injury itself.

#3 What does it feel like when you tell other people?

Do your friends, family, and coworkers know that you’re in a situationship? Oftentimes, maybe a few close friends might know, but not family or coworkers. Why is that?

Sure, not everyone is trustworthy with our private business! But do you notice yourself wanting to hide some of the truth from others? What does it feel like when people ask about your love life? What does it feel like when you try to explain your situationship to someone you respect? Sometimes things make perfect sense in our heads, yet we fumble when we try to explain it to someone else.

If no one knows you’re in a situationship, ask yourself why that is.

Now What?

Now that you’ve completed the exercises, marinate on what you’ve just uncovered for a bit. Notice how you feel the next time you see them. You don’t have to act right away. Just because we see a red flag, doesn’t mean we know what to do with it.

If you find yourself disillusioned, check out my previous posts, How to Get Out of a Situationship and How to Avoid a Situationship.

Where Can I Find More Help?

If you’re struggling with mixed emotions and want to develop healthy relationship skills — therapy can be a great resource for you!

Maybe you aren’t fully ready for therapy yet — That’s okay too! Click the button below to subscribe to my YouTube Channel, Tips from a Therapist, where I offer some of my best tips on how to improve your relationship with yourself and other people.

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The more you know, the more you grow!