Why They Threaten to Leave & How to Handle It

Have you been in a relationship or know of a couple that threatens to break up or get a divorce every time they have an argument?

Why do you think that happens? What are the consequences of this strategy? Where do you go from there?

I’m here to answer all of these questions!

Three Major Motives

There are three major motives behind repetitive threats to end a relationship.

The first motive is manipulation. Threatening to end the relationship directs the focus away from whatever you were arguing about, and towards just trying keeping reality as you know it intact. It’s an attempt to control and change the power dynamic, where all of the sudden, one of you has to console and appease the other. It’s kind of like different countries letting each other know they have nuclear weapons, and are willing to destroy the world as we know it — unless the other party complies.

Manipulation can also be more subtle. Like when one of you sincerely tries to give honest feedback to your person for the benefit of the relationship, and they react by playing the victim, instead of a partner with mutual responsibility. Avoiding accountability by hiding behind a victim title is manipulative too.

The second motive is immaturity. Immaturity can present itself in a few different ways. Maybe your person has a trauma history where their words, wants, and needs weren’t acknowledged, so they never got the opportunity to learn how to communicate effectively in a relationship. So when they’re scared, overwhelmed and unsure how to fix things, they threaten to hit the eject button just to get the conflict to stop.

They don’t know how to deescalate, so they escalate, in an effort to protect themselves. Immaturity can also be an underdeveloped character; basic pettiness, selfishness, and an unwillingness to bear the responsibility of being in relationship with another person.

The third motive is cowardice. Cowardice in the sense that they know the relationship is not working, so they bring up the idea of ending it, hoping that the other person will agree, and follow-through on ending it for them. Where they don’t have to be the bad guy.

It’s Not an Empty Threat

The word “threat” means the potential to inflict harm. However, when we leverage someone’s attachment to us and threaten abandonment, the threat itself is a significant blow to the structure of the relationship, and to that person’s self-esteem.

Regardless of motive, it does not excuse the behavior. It’s kind of like the difference between manslaughter and murder. Sure, the intention matters to an extent, but at the end of the day, there’s still a dead body!

Sometimes we say things out of anger or frustration. However, we can’t rely on others to forget the ugly things we say to them, to assume we don’t really mean what we say, or to translate our misuse of words for us.

I want you to equate threatening separation to firing a gun in your house. No one is actually hit by the bullet — but it is LOUD, and it scares everyone in the house. The house is never the same again, because now there’s an acute awareness that you have a powerful weapon that you’re willing to use, that you could do it again, and someone could really get hurt next time.

A committed relationship is sustained through trust, communication and attachment — and this persistent use of empty threats causes irreparable damage to each of those foundational aspects of the relationship.

If you find yourself in a relationship with a person who often threatens separation, or says hurtful things towards you in arguments — I suggest you listen, believe they mean what they say — and act accordingly.

Natural Consequences Are The Best Teachers

If they have a pattern of saying they want to break-up or get a divorce during conflict, take them seriously. Don’t ignore it, don’t try to reason it away, and don’t try to talk them out of it. Address it head-on; either follow through on the separation, or the two of you need to have an immediate overhaul in how you speak with each other.

Clearly there are chronic issues for the idea of separation to move beyond a solo internal thought, into an emotional verbal expression. They are communicating that for whatever reason, they aren’t all-in with you, and relationships are only good when both people really want to be together.

Either the two of you assess, repair and resolve why they weren’t all-in, and get them all-in; or cut your losses and end the relationship for good.

If you’re the one who typically threatens the relationship, I hope this helps put into perspective that this defense mechanism destroys your chances for real love, because it shows you’re not ready for it. It shows you are ill-equipped in the accountability, self-regulation, and communication skills necessary to maintain a healthy relationship. So you lose it…

Where Can I Find More Help?

If you’re interested in learning more healthy relationship skills — therapy can be a great resource for you!

Maybe you aren’t fully ready for therapy yet — That’s okay too! Click the button below to subscribe to my YouTube Channel, Tips from a Therapist, where I offer some of my best tips on how to improve your relationship with yourself and other people.

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The more you know, the more you grow!