How To Tell The Difference Between Love Bombing and Genuine Love

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked this question: “How can I tell the difference between love bombing, and genuine love?”

Everyone wants to be loved. When we meet someone who sees our value and pursues a connection with us, it’s like the clouds have parted, and the light is finally shining down on us. We feel that warmth and are engulfed by it. We think, “FINALLY — this is what I’ve been waiting for; this is what I’ve been searching for!” We don’t question it; we’re just happy it’s here.

Sometimes, it works out great! And other times, we realize that we were deceived, hoodwinked, bamboozled, duped. It is absolutely heartbreaking to know how frequently people have been emotionally manipulated into being vulnerable with someone, who only had the intention of misusing that connection for their own selfish benefit.

I come bearing tips to help you decipher between the two!

What is Love Bombing?

Love bombing is a manipulation tactic used to emotionally influence a person by demonstrations of attention and affection.

The goal is to develop and intensify a connection quickly. The method is grand gestures and flattering statements that make the target feel special and important.

Simply put, it’s too much too soon. It’s using charged language like “soulmates” or declaring the target as “amazing, incredible, unlike anyone they’ve ever known before”. The target is put on a pedestal without the love-bomber really knowing — or caring — who the target is as a person yet. It looks like a “whirlwind” romance, when after the first date they want to spent every moment together and dominate the target’s time and attention. They want commitment, say “I love you”, and describe an elaborate future together.

They want to know everything about you, and create a false version of themself that just so happens to match exactly what you like. This is only the beginning. Love bombing exists as the first stage of a greater cycle of abuse.

The second stage is devaluing. Once you’re on the pedestal, it is a painful fall from it. That romantic, “sweetly obsessive” person you met begins to show their true character. All the information they gathered about you is then used against you; all of your insecurities, past pains and fears will be hurled at you.

In the third stage, they discard you. They stop contacting you. They projected an idealized version of you onto you, and punished you for not living up to it. But it was never really about you in the first place. They move on to the next play thing.

In the fourth stage, they hoover. They contact you again with either no acknowledgement of what happened, or with insincere apologies. They just want to see if you are still accessible to them. If there is room for them to sneak back in, the cycle begins again at stage one.

We need to remember that there are people in the world, who will lie to your face and intentionally stimulate emotions in you, because it is convenient for them. It gives them pleasure, it gets them sex, it makes them feel important and powerful to know they can have this impact on someone in the moment they want it. They aren’t thinking about you, or the longterm pain and trauma this process inflicts on you.

Why We Fall For Love Bombing

We were lied to. Fairytales and romance movies depict love AS love bombing. Why?? Two reasons:

First, it’s faster. It speeds up the story telling. Cultivating a healthy connection that develops into genuine love takes longer than an hour and a half movie. Even multiple seasons of an entertainment series only adds up to about a dozen hours.

Second, unhealthy relationship dynamics are more entertaining and exciting. Entertainment is about drama and eliciting emotional responses to keep the viewers’ attention. Entertainment is not meant to educate! It twists our perception and expectation about what courtship and relationships are supposed to look like.

Genuine Love

Genuine love is a much slower and less intense process.

Someone who is genuinely interested in considering you as a partner, will really want to get to know you as a person over the span of weeks or months. They are assessing you, as much as you are assessing them. The love-bomber targeted you, and pursued intensely. The genuine person is curious about you, without entitlement to your time and attention.

The genuine person also doesn’t hide aspects of themself that doesn’t match with what you’re looking for. They are themselves consistently over time. There is no Jekyll and Hyde aspect to them. There is no cycle, no ebb and flow. You know what to expect from their character.

There is room to be your full self. You are appreciated for your strengths and weaknesses, instead of being punished for them. A genuine person will feel like a friend, not just a lover. In it’s nature, genuine love is less exciting, and people often misjudge it as a “lack of chemistry.”

Don’t expect fireworks. Look for a kindling; a slow burn that grows brighter and warmer over time.

Where Can I Find More Help?

If you’re looking for a space to process past trauma that has kept you from enjoying the present moment — therapy can be a great resource for you!

You can start researching right now by clicking around my website, or you can dive right in!

Click the button above for free 15 minute consultation, where we can talk about what pursuing therapy together might look like.

Maybe you aren’t fully ready for therapy yet — That’s okay too! That’s why I’ve written a book that is a fraction of the price of one therapy session! It’s called: The Root of Relationships: How to Know Yourself, Understand Others, and Create the Relationships You Want. I’ve already spent the money and time to get advanced education and training in Couples Therapy, Psychology, Sociology, and Psychotherapy, packed some of the best introductory stuff into one place, and made it easy to understand and digest. Sign up with your email on my website by going to the “Book” tab, and download the accompanying free workbook!

Not an E-book person? Subscribe to my YouTube Channel, Tips from a Therapist, where I offer some of my best tips on how to improve your relationship with yourself and other people.

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The more you know, the more you grow!