You’re Being Gaslit About Situationships

Defining the Undefined

A “situationship” is a modern iteration of “friends with benefits.” You find yourself in a situation with someone, that’s not quite a relationship. There is no formal commitment between the two of you; no title of “exclusive”, or “boyfriend/girlfriend/partner”. Therefore, there are none of the expectations that come with being in an official, monogamous relationship.

Situationships are promoted as being fun, convenient, and empowering! As a psychotherapist that understands human attachment, I wholeheartedly disagree!

From an attachment perspective, situationships are unhealthy, dangerous, and have a high likelihood of leaving you and the other person traumatized.

A Game of Semantics

If they aren’t technically committed to you, they aren’t obligated to the boundaries of acting like a boyfriend/girlfriend to you.

They set aside time to be with you, but make it clear you aren’t a priority in their life.

They give you enough effort to not be completely rude, but also withhold full effort so you don’t get accustomed to them being there.

They have sex with you, but expect it to have no emotional effect on you.

Situationships boil down to: “I want all the benefits of a relationship, like company and sex, without any of the responsibility towards honoring this person’s humanity.”

The fact that the term “situationship” was created to define an undefined situation is very telling of just how uncomfortable it is to be stuck in an in-between state!

Just because you verbally agree to not get attached does not stop your nervous system or bonding hormones from doing what they do!

Understanding Attachment Needs

We are social, bonding creatures. Emotional attachment is a defining aspect of our survival strategy as humans, because we rely on other people to survive. 

Our biological attachment need is rooted in knowing that the people we are bonded to are accessible, responsive and emotionally engaged with us. We need to know we matter to them, that we can rely on them, and they care about our emotional wellbeing.

If they only come around when it’s convenient for them, they aren’t really accessible to us. If they can leave at any time, we can’t rely on them. If they are holding space for other options, we don’t really matter to them. There is no sense of safety.

For this reason, attachment instability is inherently traumatizing.

Situationship Culture: Another Form of Gaslighting

Anyone who praises situationships are either ignorant to human attachment, lack maturity, or are stunted by their own unhealed attachment wounds, and they’re gaslighting you into believing situationships are a great idea.

Culture is partially to blame. Social media and dating apps make options seem endless and there’s someone better a few swipes away. Hyper independence is framed as the ultimate flex. “Catching feels” is a sign of desperation and weakness. Relationships are associated with a loss of freedom.

These are the types of lies that are used to gaslight you into settling for something that innately feels dishonest and unnatural.

The price of being in a situationship is the repression of your emotional needs, and denial of your humanity; for both parties involved. It’s choosing to use each other as an object to dull loneliness and get sporadic affection. At first, it sounds like a consensual agreement, but it’s based on a false premise and carries significant consequences.

Consequences

Mentally, you develop a negative self-identity. You know you’re an option, not a choice. You lose self-respect because you know this person isn’t all-in with you, and you reinforce that behavior. You have to compartmentalize aspects of yourself and the other person in order to keep things in the realm of “not a relationship.” You ruminate over the inconsistencies of what they say and do, and torment yourself trying to figure out what anything means.

Emotionally, you never feel safe for long. There is a constant, looming threat of loss, even though you don’t technically have a relationship to lose. You do relationship-esque things like laugh, cuddle, talk intimately, share meals and a bed, while knowing they could be doing the same things with someone else. You have to delude yourself from your internal experience, and default to how to keep the other person from leaving.

Physically, the chronic stress of an inconsistent, unreliable attachment figure can affect your blood pressure, quality of sleep, and immune system. Not to mention the risk of sexually transmitted infections and diseases.

Then, when you start to feel the hurt and anxiety of being in this type of dynamic, you feel as though you’re gagged from saying anything, because you naively signed up for this.

Furthermore, you never develop real relationship skills. It’s like practicing to be really good at shooting hoops from the free throw line; but you can’t dribble worth a damn, and you can’t navigate around the court with others to actually play basketball. Situationships prevent you from developing real love.

Where Can I Find More Help?

If you’re looking for a space to process past relational trauma that keeps you from the loving relationship you desire — therapy can be a great resource for you!

Maybe you aren’t fully ready for therapy yet — That’s okay too! Click the button below to subscribe to my YouTube Channel, Tips from a Therapist, where I offer some of my best tips on how to improve your relationship with yourself and other people.

If you found this helpful, share it with a friend!

The more you know, the more you grow!