How to Make Friends as an Adult
There is a loneliness epidemic, that I’m sure you’ve felt at least in moments.
For most people, gone are the days of having close childhood friendships that span across a lifetime. So much can get in the way of what used to be a natural and reliable way of being connected to community.
People move away for school or career opportunities. Even if they go to the same school, they may not end up in the same classes. People develop different goals and interests, and prioritize different things that may not align with where you are in your life now. Their value systems can change, and the person that was easy to connect with before, isn’t so easy now.
None of these things are inherently bad, but there are social consequences that leave many people feeling disconnected, and having to search for their tribe over and over again.
Making Friends as an Adult
Kids are natural at making friends, and somewhere along the way, we lose that ease of openness that kids have. The ease of opportunity to make friends also gets tricky.
It is our responsibility to put ourselves out there and seek out opportunities to connect. Here are a few ways I suggest:
Shift Your Mindset
First and foremost, shift your mindset. If you struggle with feeling unsure if you’d be welcome by others, or if the idea of approaching people makes your skin crawl, BE someone who communicates with your energy and behavior, that people are safe with YOU.
Much of that social anxiety is being too inwardly focused on yourself. I’m suggesting you shift your attention outward and be a friendly presence in the room. BE the welcoming person you crave when you put yourself out there.
Think about a time when you’ve felt welcome before; what did that person do? I imagine they smiled at you, made eye contact, and said hello. They were kind to you, and curious about who you are. It’s that simple! Acknowledge their presence, be kind and curious.
Make Yourself Known in Places You Frequent
Second, practice greeting people in places you go to often. Do you notice the same people when you go to the gym, grocery store, or other places you go to frequently, and it feels weird that you don’t know their name or talk to them, but you both recognize each other? I would argue that is more weird, than just being friendly.
Here’s how you make it not weird in three interactions:
Take the pressure of making a friend out of it for now. By default, practice smiling and saying hello to people that are near you in those places. Since you frequent these places often, you can’t default to walking around with the idea that you’ll never see these people again; assume you might see them again.
If that person reciprocates your initial greeting and seems friendly, take that as a sign that they are a safe place to practice the skills of being kind and curious. When you do see this person a second time, again, smile and say hello, acknowledge they are familiar to you, give a genuine compliment and introduce yourself. Now you know each other’s name! Maybe ask a non-invasive question about them and remember their answer, so you can keep the conversation going the next time you see them.
When a third interaction happens, you both are already friendly with each other, it’s a safe bet you can exchange contact information, and run into each other on purpose with the intention of becoming friends.
It can be that simple: greet them the first time, introduce yourself the second time, and exchange contact information the third time.
Find a Hobby or Activity with a Social Component
Third, find a hobby or activity with a social component; something you do with other people. That way you already have an interest in common, and you know they are also looking for social connection.
Google search for groups with the interests you currently have or want to develop. Anything from amateur sports, to cooking, book clubs, volunteering, hiking, music, dancing, or exploring the new town you find yourself in. You can even use friend finding apps like Bumble BFF and MeetUp as well. Then use your new skills of being in a welcoming mindset, greeting people, being kind and curious about them.
Diversify
You could do this process ten times and might make three really good friends. Having friends is a need; be patient and persistent with meeting it.
Spread the load onto multiple people so you have options for different aspects of yourself. Don’t expect a friend to be everything to you. Have friends that are great for laughing together, and friends that you can have deep conversations with.
Look for friends that are on your level where you can understand each other well. Look for friends that are a little beyond where you are and closer to where you want to be, so they can be a positive influence on you. Look for friends that are a little behind you so you can be a positive influence on them.
Where Can I Find More Help?
If you’re interested in learning healthy social skills or working through social anxiety — therapy can be a great resource for you!
Maybe you aren’t fully ready for therapy yet — That’s okay too! Click the button below to subscribe to my YouTube Channel, Tips from a Therapist, where I offer some of my best tips on how to improve your relationship with yourself and other people.
If you found this helpful, share it with a friend!
The more you know, the more you grow!
