What to Look for When You’re Dating to Have a Long-Lasting Marriage
I hate when people say, “relationships are hard.” No — life is hard, relationships should be relatively easy the majority of the time to help us get through the difficult moments in life.
If anything, dating is the hardest part, especially right now. But there is still hope! If you date well, relationships will blossom, and marriages can last a lifetime.
Compatibility
If you’ve seen any of my previous videos on situationships, you know what I’m going to say — if they aren’t interested in committing to an official relationship, you are automatically incompatible with them.
Compatibility means you have life goals that align with each other; whether it’s marriage, having kids or starting a business. It means having shared values and priorities in life. That when you both talk about the future, or what is most important to you, you come up with the same image.
Being compatible also involves having enough in common with each other as people to enjoy moving through life together, so day-to-day life isn’t an uphill battle. If you are compatible, you are well suited for each other as you are — meaning you won’t get sucked into projected potential, or treat each other like a project that needs to be fixed.
Character
After compatibility, this is the most important thing to look for in a person.
Character is a person’s mental and moral qualities. It’s how they move through the world based on their mindset and moral compass.
If they’re in a difficult situation, their character involves the principles and values that guide them through it. Principles like having integrity, being honest no matter what, that when things get scary they get courageous, or that family comes before everything.
Character is so important, because it gives predictability and certainty in who this person is, so you can trust them with your life and any potential kids.
Character is developed through their families, religion or cultural upbringing. Character is also a discipline someone can make for themselves. In general, you’re looking for someone with accurate self-assessment, who takes personal accountability and has positive accountability towards the people they care about.
If you are with someone with character, you don’t have to worry about them cheating on you, or lying, or being manipulative.
Communication
When you’re choosing a potential spouse, you need to know that everything is on the table to talk about. No secrets or things that are “off limits”. If you’re hooking your life to this person, you need to know they’re going to be honest, especially when it’s hard, so the two of you can be on the same page when problems arise.
You need to know that when you speak, you can tell they really care about understanding you, and talk to you in a way where they want to be understood by you.
If you don’t have good communication, that is how so much gets swept under the rug that the house splits in two. That you start having threesomes with resentment, if you’re having any sex at all.
Communication isn’t only important for getting through the hard times. It matters just as much that you genuinely like this person, and make each other laugh until you cry or pee a little.
Chemistry
Chemistry is the one that screws everyone up. It’s that ease of connection. It’s the undeniable physical attraction and sexual desire for someone. Chemistry is also that natural comfort in their presence, and it’s easy to understand each other.
So many people pass up great options, people that would make an amazing spouse and parent, because there wasn’t that “spark”, or it just didn’t “click.” Yes, chemistry is an essential part of a long lasting marriage. However, I would argue chemistry is in the top 5 of what matters most — but it is not top 3.
That instant chemistry when you meet someone is unearned, and tells you nothing about who this person is, and what they do when life gets hard. THAT is why chemistry is less important than compatibility, character and communication. Still important! But less important.
Still Can’t Find Someone?
If you’re struggling to find someone that matches this description, it only comes down to a few things:
First, you might be looking in the wrong places. Going out to the club, bars or other nightlife events is not where people go to find their spouse! People go to those places for fun and excitement. The same can be said about Tinder and Instagram. You might even be in the wrong city. People do not move to Los Angeles and Miami because they want the white picket fence! Put yourself in places where people value marriage and family.
Second, your network of people might need to be improved. Do you personally know anyone who is happily married? Are your closest friends people of character? Do you have hobbies or interests that surround you with wholesome people? If not, your network isn’t a reliable resource for you to meet someone.
Third, you might need to improve yourself in the categories mentioned. Get clear on what you want, so you know who you’d be compatible with. Develop your character and improve your communication skills. Invest in your health and outward appearance.
The more you align yourself in this way, the higher the likelihood of you finding and keeping long lasting love.
Where Can I Find More Help?
If you’re interested in learning healthy relational skills or processing why you’re attracted to unhealthy people — therapy can be a great resource for you!
Maybe you aren’t fully ready for therapy yet — That’s okay too! Click the button below to subscribe to my YouTube Channel, Tips from a Therapist, where I offer some of my best tips on how to improve your relationship with yourself and other people.
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The more you know, the more you grow!
