Healthy Relationship Habits: The State of the Union Check-In
People who struggle with having faith in the possibility of love and long-lasting healthy relationships all have the same problem — they’ve never seen it before!
We’re surrounded by broken families, discouraging statistics, and media that models bad relational dynamics for the sake of entertainment, not education.
Sometimes people are able to reverse engineer a “healthier” relationship by learning from the mistakes of others. However, rather than just unlearning bad habits, I’d like to teach you good habits! Good habits that are easy to do. Almost as easy as subscribing to my YouTube Channel!
State of the Union Check-In
The first healthy habit is a state of the union check-in. It comes down to asking each other two simple questions that will have a profound result in your relationship:
“Is there anything on your heart or mind that you’d like to talk about?”
“Is there anything I can do to make you feel more loved?”
The first question: “Is there anything on your heart or mind that you’d like to talk about?”, opens the door for honesty, and prevents rumination and resentment. It communicates to your person that you care about their mental and emotional wellbeing. That when they can’t let go of something, they don’t have to bear that weight alone.
It keeps things from being swept under the rug, or being isolated in an emotion or difficult thought process that may not be accurate in the first place. This first question doesn’t even have to be related to something your person said or did. It simply means “if there’s anything you’re struggling with, whether it involves me or not, you can bring it to me to talk it out together. We’re on the same team. Your wellbeing is my wellbeing.”
The second question: "Is there anything I can do to make you feel more loved?” invites your person to express unmet needs to you. It’s a reminder of the shared commitment and responsibility to keep the love and passion alive in your relationship. It communicates that you are humble enough to know you aren’t perfect, and you’re willing listen to feedback on how you can love them better.
This second question also separates things that you can do to make them feel more loved, and what they need to take ownership of in their wellbeing. It makes the differences in love languages clear, and gives each of you a map to find a way back into each others’ hearts, in moments where life situations get in the way.
Daily Dosage
This check-in should be done daily — YES, daily!
When you’re doing a quick check-in every day, nothing builds up over time. Small problems do not grow into bigger ones, and resentment never takes root.
Daily check-ins makes talking about the state of the relationship normal and less intimidating. Most couples only talk about their relationship when there’s already a significant problem, and they don’t have the skills or practice in dealing with it.
Making a habit of checking-in every day is like weeding the garden of your life together. Removing weeds keeps your garden healthy, beautiful, with nothing siphoning resources away from the good stuff.
It also gives you both daily opportunities to say: “No babe, I’m doing great! I feel so loved by you and appreciate everything you do for me!” This builds up a reservoir of gratitude, good will, and confidence in each other, that you can rely on in the moments where there are improvements to be made.
Daily check-ins also give you important data about the relationship. It allows you to track whether this relationship is in a good state most of the time, or if it’s constantly in a state of struggle. Does this person respond well to these questions, or do they get defensive? Do they follow through on the feedback you gave? Tracking this data will either build confidence in the relationship, or signal to you early on that it’s time to find a more compatible partner.
Kid Friendly
The union can expand beyond just you and your person. This same check-in can be applied with your children!
With these two simple questions, you’re able to: build secure attachment within your child, reinforce the parent-child bond, and model healthy relationship skills with your spouse for your kids to watch and absorb.
Prevention or Cure
If you begin a relationship with this habit in place, you can avoid the majority of pitfalls that overtake most marriages.
If you’re already in a relationship, now is the perfect time to start incorporating this healthy relationship habit! If the idea of a state of the union scares you, it will either give you the reassurance you need, or the clarity that your fears were warranted.
Where Can I Find More Help?
If you’re interested in learning more healthy relationship skills — therapy can be a great resource for you!
Maybe you aren’t fully ready for therapy yet — That’s okay too! Click the button below to subscribe to my YouTube Channel, Tips from a Therapist, where I offer some of my best tips on how to improve your relationship with yourself and other people.
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The more you know, the more you grow!
