To Ghost or Not to Ghost

What is Ghosting?

Ghosting is when we intentionally stop interacting with someone we once considered for a potential relationship, without explaining why. We stop responding to texts, messages, and answering calls. This can be a gradual fade into less and less contact, or a sudden and total cut off.

Ghosting is different than just falling out of regular communication with someone, or categorizing the person as either a casual friend or acquaintance. It is a deliberate, one-sided avoidance of communicating our lack of interest.

People ghost because they want to passively communicate, rather than directly communicate. A practice that should be a rarity, has unfortunately become a frequent, normalized bad habit for many people.

The Haunted Experience

Being ghosted is not a pleasant experience. It leaves a person feeling confused, hurt, and disrespected. The silence could mean any number of things:

“Did I say or do something wrong? Do they prefer someone else? Why didn’t they feel like they could just tell me? Where they just using me?”

While the intensity of emotion depends on whether they are ghosted by someone they were close to, or someone new they saw potential in, there’s always a sting. Furthermore, if a person gets ghosted multiple times, it can influence the ghostee’s sense of self; as someone who is rejectable, without exactly knowing why.

The ghostee has no choice but to fill in the silence with their best guess as to why someone doesn’t like them, which typically mirror their biggest insecurities. Ghosting has the consequence of reinforcing someone’s worst thoughts about themselves, as well as negative beliefs about relationships in general.

The ghoster chooses to avoid the discomfort of communicating, at the expense of the ghostee’s sense of self and beliefs about relationships. On one hand, adults have full responsibility for cultivating their own sense of self and which beliefs they develop. On the other hand, ghosting is lazy, it’s cowardly, and it’s a sign that the ghoster doesn’t have the communication skills necessary to have mature relationships.

Is Ghosting Ever Okay?

Yes.

If a person genuinely makes you feel unsafe, ghosting is an appropriate option. Some people give us the creeps, and our bodies have a visceral response that we can’t deny. We don’t need to explain to a potential predator that we see them as a threat. We just need to get the hell away from them.

If you have adequately communicated why you don’t want to continue a relationship with someone, and they aren’t taking “no” for an answer, “ghosting” is the appropriate follow through of that communication. I put quotes around “ghosting” because is this scenario, you aren’t technically ghosting. You said your peace and they aren’t listening. We don’t have to stick around until they give us permission to leave.

What to Say Instead of Ghosting

I get it; there are many reasons why ghosting has become a comfortable option for people. Maybe the ghoster grew up in a home where they weren’t modeled effective communication skills. Maybe they struggle with being honest about how they feel, let alone verbalizing it to someone else. Maybe they don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings, and aren’t sure how to communicate in a way that is clear and kind.

Here are a few examples of what to say instead of ghosting:

“I didn’t feel a natural connection between us, but thank you for the opportunity to find that out.”

“I don’t think we’re a good match for each other, but I appreciate the chance to get to know you.”

“I don’t feel like we’ve been able to meet each others’ needs. It’s best we both find people who can.”

“We don’t have the same interests/goals/priorities to be sustainable together. I sincerely hope you find what you’re looking for.”

If we want the privilege of relationships, we have the responsibility of learning how to be an active participant in them. That means becoming aware of our communication weaknesses and working towards strengthening them. It means getting in touch with how we feel and what we need. It means practicing being vulnerable with others and speaking up for ourselves. It means developing the emotional maturity to lean into discomfort. It means allowing others to have their own emotions and be responsible for managing them themselves, instead of us using “protecting another’s emotions” as a false mask for our own discomfort.

Where Can I Find More Help?

If you’re looking for a space to improve your self awareness and communication skills — therapy can be a great resource for you! You can start researching right now by clicking around my website, or you can dive right in!

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