7 Common Communication Mistakes and How to Avoid Them

In my therapy practice, I talk to a lot of people who struggle with communication. That includes both speaking up, and interpreting what other people’s words and behaviors actually mean. Some people are terrified to say the wrong thing, in the wrong way at the wrong time. Others aren’t great listeners, or only choose to see and hear what they want to.

Here are 7 common communication mistakes and how to avoid them:

1. Holding Back, and Regretting It

There’s an old saying: “If you can’t get over it, you have to bring it up. If you can’t bring it up, you have to get over it.” When it comes to getting our needs met, getting over it isn’t an option. That’s why they are called “needs”, not “gee, those would be nice!”

When it comes to holding back our honesty, our choice is either to lie to ourselves, or to someone else. Neither of those are sexy. Neither of those are healthy. There are definitely gray areas between those two, but today we’re talking about times when we need to speak up, and aren’t.

Effective communication is less about perfection, and more about connection. We are allowed to take the time to process our thoughts and feelings before speaking them. We are allowed to write things out in advance to make sure we are communicating properly. We are allowed to correct ourselves, in the moment, and try again. It doesn’t have to be perfect the first time.

Unfortunately, some of us grew up surrounded by critical or selfish people, so this could be a radical concept for you. Out in the real world, there is room for grace.

2. Not Allowing for Emotion in Communication

Emotion is energy and information! If we are out of touch with (or holding back) how we are feeling, we can’t effectively communicate our message with the appropriate energy. Allowing emotion in our eyes, our facial muscles, in our tone and pace give our listener more understanding beyond the words we use.

In therapy, we refer to this as focusing on the process, rather than the content. If our process and content don’t match, it can be confusing. It is like watching someone with teary eyes say they are okay, or someone sharing an awful story and laughing about it.

Holding back our emotions keeps others from really seeing and understanding us. Dog experts will typically say that those cute little outfits people put on dogs will lead to anxiety or fear responses from other dogs. This is because they can’t read each other’s body language, and can’t determine each others’ intentions. People are the same way!

Don’t say I love you with a blank face. Don’t say you need help with a tone that communicates you don’t need anybody. Don’t tell someone they hurt you, and keep all the tears to yourself. Also, don’t be a mess; but you know what I’m saying. Align with your authenticity, and communicate it in a balanced way.

3. Failing to Listen Properly

Resist the urge to fill in the blanks when someone is talking to you. It’s only fun with mad libs. Actually, mad libs aren’t fun either…

If someone is being vague, don’t assume what they mean. Listen to their words. Watch their behavior to see if it matches what they’ve said. Pay attention to their emotionality with you. Consider what their real intention is. Ask clarifying questions if you aren’t 100% sure that you understand all of the above.

A lot of hearts get broken because their eyes or ears aren’t paying attention. Don’t assume they mean what you want them to mean. If their behavior doesn’t match their words; always believe the behavior. If they aren’t speaking to you appropriately, or at all, or as often as you’d like; consider that an answer.

4. Having a Closed Heart and Mind

Sometimes people who are close to us end up losing that privilege for various reasons. For all those who have not lost that privilege, but also haven’t gained that privilege, consider whether you have a problem of being too closed off.

This applies for when you go to a new place, and shrink. Or when you go to the same places like the gym or the grocery store, and you see the same people over and over, and never greet them. Or when a stranger wants to extend a genuine kindness and we’re weird about it for no reason.

We are not meant to live in isolation! Not everyone is scary, or weird, or assume the worst when they see us. Obviously, not everyone is safe either, but we aren’t talking about that right now.

What we are talking about, is when we overcorrect and block people out, and wonder why it’s hard to be social; to make phone calls, to meet friends or find someone to date. Many of us could benefit from expanding our radius of care. Give people a little room to exist in your world, even for a moment. A lot of people are so afraid of rejection or harm from strangers, that they default themselves to always being a stranger.

5. Entering with Expectations

When we choose to be friendly, or courteous, or vulnerable, we can’t expect others to meet us exactly where we are in that exact moment. Where we are, and where they are, are both valid.

Not everyone shares our values or priorities. Obviously, there should be some overlap if the relationship is to be sustainable, but we can’t expect people to think and behave just like us, right when we’d like it to happen.

All we can do, is give freely when it’s authentic to us, and know that others should be doing the same thing. Expectations can lead to disappointment, or even manipulation.

6. Not Setting an Intention

Yea, I know I just said that entering with expectations is bad…

But expectations are different from intentions, as the intention is focused on our own energy and efforts, rather than the response or outcome from someone else. Is your intention to have a good time? To be curious? To be welcoming?

If we don’t have a clear intention, and we aren’t confident in our communication skills to riff in the moment, we have no choice but to feel anxious and lost. Think of setting your intention as an anchor. Sometimes our intention doesn’t match the vibe, and that’s okay! When we get good at setting intentions, it becomes more natural to reel it back and adapt accordingly.

7. Talking to the Wrong Person

Looking for love, understanding, respect, or consistency, in all the wrong places?

Sometimes we can say the right things, at the right time, in the right way, and it still not land. At that point, we need to consider whether or not we’re talking to the right person.

The same way that we want to be valued for who we are, and not criticized for who we are not, we have to extend that to others too. We can’t ask for a selfish person to be selfless with us. We can’t be raw with someone with sensitivities.

Accept the reality of their limitation, make the most of what is, or seek out what you need from people who actually have it to offer.

Where Can I Find More Help?

If you’re looking for a space to improve your communication and connect with yourself and others better — therapy is a great place to start! You can start researching right now by clicking around my website, or you can dive right in — contact me for a free 15 minute consultation, where we can talk about what pursuing therapy together might look like.

Maybe you aren’t fully ready for therapy yet — That’s okay too! That’s why I’ve written a book that is a fraction of the price of one therapy session! It’s called: The Root of Relationships: How to Know Yourself, Understand Others, and Create the Relationships You Want. I’ve already spent the money and time to get advanced education and training in Couples Therapy, Psychology, Sociology, and Psychotherapy, packed some of the best introductory stuff into one place, and made it easy to understand and digest. Sign up with your email on my website by going to the “Book” tab, and download the accompanying free workbook!

Not an E-book person? Subscribe to my YouTube Channel, Tips from a Therapist, where I offer some of my best tips on how to improve your relationship with yourself and other people.

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The more you know, the more you grow!