Help for The Holiday: A Survival Guide for The Dysfunctional Family

So, the last two years have been pretty wild…

Nothing has been predictable or the same; except the tendencies of our dysfunctional families.

Much has changed in the world in general, but it’s shocking how little some of our family members have changed. Even though there are still some safety restrictions for Covid, a lot of people have lost a convenient excuse to not visit with their families this holiday season. How do we deal with being back home for the holiday?

Our families don’t get to see all of us the way our friends and loved ones do. It can be difficult to straddle your identity as a growing/evolving person, and the role your family casts you in the family system.

You have a life and identity outside of your family; it can be disorienting when a visit home can suddenly throw you back into your family’s dysfunction. Even with all of your growth and personal development, they still see you (and treat you) the way they did when you were a kid! *sigh…

How do we navigate being our truest selves separate from our family, while being around our family that probably hasn’t changed all that much?

I have compiled some of the best tips on how to navigate family dysfunction for the holiday!

A Holiday Survival Guide for The Dysfunctional Family

Keep it simple: Focus on Connection and Nostalgia

In the grand scheme of things, there are two main things all people seek during the holiday season — connection, and nostalgia. They want to connect with the people around them, and to feel the holiday spirit by participating in traditions or activities that make the holiday iconic for their family.

When in doubt, use both: seek to connect with others using nostalgia.

Zoom Out

It can be almost automatic to focus-in on that one person who really gets under your skin, in order to brace for seemingly unavoidable impact with them. It helps take some of the pressure off to pay attention to everyone in the room, the space, the food, etc.

Remember that there are plenty of great things and opportunities for connection with others around you; focus on those, rather than the negatives that you have been dreading to be around for the last few weeks.

Another fun game you can play by yourself, is imagining that you’re an anthropologist seeing your family members for the first time. Zooming-out of the situation and keeping a mental narration of what is happening keeps you in the “thinking” part of the brain, so you are less likely to get sucked in emotionally.

What might an observer see that you don’t because you are too familiar with them? What might an anthropologist notice about your tendencies in this environment? Questions like these could help build empathy for others, as well as insight for yourself.

Manage Your Expectations

Your goal is to have good interactions or moments with them, not a healed relationship.

Don’t expect a miracle to happen. Don’t expect to heal, process, or fix old problems. Don’t expect people to be different from how they usually are.

You know them; be prepared for people to be the same. Holidays are the wrong time and place to bring up cyclical problems, and it’s too exhausting to spend all your time correcting them.

It is better to set the bar low, so you can be pleasantly surprised if things go well, rather than set the bar too high and be let down, yet again.

Consider Your Boundaries Ahead of Time, and Be Ready to Enforce Them

Are there certain people you can’t tolerate? Or can only tolerate in small doses?

How long can you be around family before you get uncomfortable?

What topics are you unwilling to talk about?

Are there specific things that you know people will do or say that will get under your skin?

How does it feel imagining talking to them? Such as saying “no”, stating preferences, and disagreeing?

Think of these questions in advance, and be honest with yourself about the answers. An ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure, so set yourself up for success before you even get there.

Have a plan that is appropriate for you and your family, where you can create physical/mental/emotional space between yourself and them as needed.

Also, I’d like to leave a reminder that if there is a known abuser in your family, you don’t have to do anything or see anyone that causes you harm. You don’t have to go.

In fact, it could be a step towards healing and progress to advocate for yourself and decide not to go. Who cares if your family thinks it’s disrespectful? Respecting others should not be at the expense of your own self respect.

Don’t Try to Control The Situation

You are in charge of how you feel and behave today, and nothing else is your business. Don’t do too much. Rather than trying to take-up the task of making sure everyone plays nice and everything goes smoothly, simply opt-out of interactions that don’t suit you.

Limit exposure to unenjoyable people, topics, and activities. Reduce the amount of leverage and pressure they might have over you. If possible, do not stay in their home, or in a hotel that they’ve paid for. Have a retreat plan where you can excuse yourself.

Leave the room, take a walk, get some air, remember “that thing you said you were looking for”, check on the pet, or call a friend to give yourself a break.

Debrief with a Friend, Loved One, or Your Therapist

Set a time to call or meet up with someone who is willing and able to help you decompress afterwards. Pick someone who already has some idea of what your family is like, and what you are like now. They can help remind you that while you are a part of your family, your family isn’t a total picture of who you are.

If it’s a really tough time at home, schedule a time for you to call them while you are at home, to give you a moment away from everyone.

Take Breaks

Early intervention is key. Take breaks early and often; before things get too intense for you. When you start to feel a little annoyed, frustrated, or uncomfortable, don’t try to stick out out a little longer. In other words, react to the smoke, rather than waiting to see flames before you respond.

Excuse yourself without apologizing or feeling pressured to come up with a “good” excuse. Simply say, “I need to get some fresh air,” or something of the sort. Be brief, be vague, and be casual about it. If they fight you on it, repeat yourself and keep moving!

On your break, consider a few simple options: Take a brief walk if you can. Practice some mindful breathing, at least 10 breaths, or more if needed. Indulge in your senses by seeking out beautiful things around you, pleasant smells, tastes, sounds, and textures.

Take your time, and don’t rush back until you feel in a better head space. Otherwise, what was the point?

Timing

Don’t come earlier than you are comfortable with. Come in time for food and small talk, without having so much time that you get lost in the weeds of unnecessary uncomfortable situations. Consider your family’s tendencies, and work around the ones that you don’t want a part of.

Focus on Things to do

Focus on a thing to help structure time. When there is empty space or excess time, that’s when dysfunctions tend to rear their ugly heads.

Suggest a movie, help with food or clean up, take care of the pet, or play a game.

Don’t Forget to Bring Your Sense of Humor

These people probably get on your nerves and under your skin. But just for today, try not to take things too seriously. Laughing eases tension and brings people together.

We often can anticipate that they are likely to ask or say something insensitive to you; plan responses in advance. Think of the memes of “Thanksgiving clap-backs” for inspiration. If you know they give you shit for the extra weight or your lack of a committed partner, be prepared to read them for filth!

Also, remember that dysfunctional people operate from a reactive, immature, and unconscious place most of the time. Don’t take them too seriously.

Have a Plan Tailored to You

Before you’re with family, talk through your concerns and worries with your therapist to prepare yourself mentally and emotionally. Together, you can develop a unique plan so you feel prepared to handle whatever comes your way.

Consider things like: Having a way to leave, a designated person to talk to, coping strategies that you can utilize, etc.

Let People Talk About Themselves

A great way to get attention off of yourself, and perhaps hear something interesting, is to ask them questions about themselves. Pick a few non-intimidating family members about what holidays were like for them as a kid, what their favorite side dish is, how they chose the name of their pet, etc.

Worst-case scenario you hear an uninteresting story; best-case scenario, you understand your family members more as people rather than just their relation to you.

Visit the Pet

Pets won’t judge or bring up embarrassing stories. And when there are a lot of people around a lot of food, pets often hear, “no” or “stop that” or “get outta here!” Make their day by giving them some time, love, and tenderness.

Look for Things that Make You Feel Good

Even if we are visiting our childhood home, there are often small changes that have been made, or things that we’ve never really noticed before. Deliberately and mindfully look for things around you that make you feel good.

There could be family photos, little details in the art on the walls, or a corner where you used to play as a kid. If you look hard enough or long enough, you can find something that makes you feel good.

Ask for Help from Someone You Like

People like to feel helpful and to have their opinions asked for. If you are picking out a movie, a game, or working in the kitchen, choose one of your favorite people and ask for their help.

This gives you an opportunity to have some quality time and a shared experience with a family member that is more chill. Who knows, you could also be giving them the break they needed too.

Be the Change You Want to See in the Family System, Without Expecting Them to Follow Suit

You don’t need to attend every argument you’re invited to, and you don’t have to single-handedly stop the dysfunctional cycle that was probably there before you were born.

Families tend to want to keep things the same. Because you’re different now, it can be hard to be put back into a familiar undesirable place.

It’s easy to fall into past relational patterns with our families. After all, who we are as a child/sibling/cousin, etc doesn’t reflect the totality of who we are as adults in the present. Be patient with yourself as you stumble in the right direction with managing family events. The goal isn’t to be fully “woke” and able to sit in a sea of family dysfunction without being stirred. The goal is just to ride the waves better.

You can choose not to participate in a dysfunctional cycle that you see happening around you with grace and dignity. Remember who you are. You are still you, even if they don’t make room for all of you on the holidays. You are a part of your family, but aren’t defined by them. You can make it through one moment at a time.

Where Can I Find More Help?

If you’re looking for a space to process past relational pain, and navigate current dysfunctional family gatherings with dignity and grace — therapy can be a great resource for you! You can start researching right now by clicking around my website, or you can dive right in — contact me for a free 15 minute consultation, where we can talk about what pursuing therapy together might look like.

Maybe you aren’t fully ready for therapy yet — That’s okay too! That’s why I’ve written a book that is a fraction of the price of one therapy session! It’s called: The Root of Relationships: How to Know Yourself, Understand Others, and Create the Relationships You Want. I’ve already spent the money and time to get advanced education and training in Couples Therapy, Psychology, Sociology, and Psychotherapy, packed some of the best introductory stuff into one place, and made it easy to understand and digest. Sign up with your email on my website by going to the “Book” tab, and download the accompanying free workbook!

Not an E-book person? Subscribe to my YouTube Channel, Tips from a Therapist, where I offer some of my best tips on how to improve your relationship with yourself and other people.

If you found this helpful, share it with a friend!

The more you know, the more you grow!