How to Apologize
Pobody’s Nerfect
Everyone argues and causes harm to people they are close to. How could they not? The people that are close to us know us the best, and are around to see us when we are not our most gracious or self-aware. Even people in healthy and happy relationships argue. The key is that they argue well; which includes repairing conflict fast and often.
We Evolved to Connect
As social beings, the human brain is constantly evaluating how secure we feel with our partner, friends, and family. We evolved to be this way. If we were rejected in primitive times and kicked out of the tribe, we starved, froze, and died alone. Conflict is the place where those primitive fear reactions are addressed. When disagreements turn into heated arguments, there is a subconscious survival system that is triggered.
Depending on how we interpret each other's argument, and whether or not we feel insecure in the relationship, our brain will react accordingly. The amygdala alarms go off, and we lose vital brain functionality needed for emotional repair. We are scared. We are angry. We feel the need to defend ourselves. Instead of being able to engage in loving behaviors and responses that will bring us back together, we tend to shoot first and ask questions later. The solution? Vulnerability.
The Value of Vulnerability
By being the first one willing to reveal vulnerable emotions, it can be an invitation for your partner to come back to you. Rather than the silent treatment or slamming doors, say what you really mean. For example, "I got upset when you said it didn’t matter if I couldn’t make it to your event, because deep down, I felt like I wasn't important to you. And as your partner, I need to feel like I am a priority to you.” Being honest, transparent, and vulnerable invites the other to come back to a place where they are open to hearing your experience. It creates a space to try to repair and reconnect with them, because you are being genuine and, therefore, less threatening. In turn, they are more likely to feel safe enough to share their vulnerable emotions with you. In this climate, an argument cannot escalate.
“No one is perfect, they can’t expect me to be perfect, so what is the point of apologizing? They should just let it go.” We all make mistakes, and we all have the ability to cause harm to people, whether it was intentional or not. However, if we expect them to stick around and have a good relationship with us, there needs to be a repair and reconnection after the harm was caused. That's where apologies come in.
Why Apologies are Important
An apology acknowledges the hurt that your actions have caused to someone else, and, sometimes more importantly, that you have remorse for it. Your willingness to admit your mistake or misbehavior can give the person the opportunity they need to tell you about their reactions and feelings. This helps you rebuild trust and give you a chance to discuss what is and what isn't acceptable in your relationship with them.
Furthermore, when you admit your fault in the matter, it may restore the dignity of the person you hurt. Choosing not to apologize could harm your reputation with others, limit your opportunities with them, and lower your effectiveness in relationships. No one wants to be in a relationship with someone who cannot own up to their mistakes. Such a build-up of tension, pain, and resentment can create a toxic environment that people are smart to leave.
I get it, apologizing is hard. Maybe you really screwed up. Maybe when you screwed up in the past, someone really nailed you, and now you're so ashamed or embarrassed that you struggle to handle the anxiety of trying to apologize now. Apologizing takes courage and humility.
How to Apologize
When we admit our faults, we open ourself up for attack, blame or ridicule. However, it is worth the risk if it means holding onto a great relationship. I get that it can be hard to do, so I have enlisted some help. In an article in the Journal of Psycholinguistic Research, psychologists Steven Scher and John Darley present a four-point framework that you can use when you make an apology. Depending on your unique situations, this will may not be as direct as going down the list in-order. Rather, these are bases that need to be touched:
Express remorse quickly and directly by specifically saying "I'm sorry" or "I apologize." Your words need to be sincere and authentic; be honest with yourself and with the other person about why you want to apologize. For example: “I'm sorry I snapped at you this morning. I feel embarrassed about how I acted toward you.”
Admit responsibility for your actions and acknowledge what you did. Be sure to empathize with the person you hurt, and demonstrate that you understand the negative impact you had on them. For example: “I know I hurt your feelings this morning when I snapped at you. I can see how that was embarrassing for you since we were around other people. You didn’t deserve it, and I was wrong to speak to you that way."
Make amends by offering suggestions on actions you can do that could help make the situation right. For example: "If there is anything that I can do to make this up to you, please tell me and I will listen," or "I realize that I was wrong to shut your idea down so quickly, and I'd like to hear you out if you would give me another chance." Consider one caveat; be sure to not overly give just because you are feeling guilty at the moment. Making a mistake doesn’t mean that you have to rearrange your boundaries.
Assure them that it won't happen again; or at least that you are making conscious and deliberate efforts to improve. This is important because you reassure the other person that you don't want to continue causing harm and you are committed to change. For example: "From now on, I'm going to manage my frustration better, and I want you to call me out if I do this again.”
In addition to the above framework, I have a few points of my own that I would like to add:
Make sure you are ready to apologize before you do it. Don’t rush just to get it over with; you will be wasting your breath and insulting the person further. Although your words may say "I'm sorry," your attitude and demeanor may not match. The way you are really feeling—revealed through your voice, gaze, posture, and level of interest in the other person's needs and so on— that is what people respond to. I talk more about this in my previous article, Body Hacking and Deliberate Delivery. If you aren’t ready to apologize yet, say something along the lines of: “I’m not happy with how things turned out during our argument last night. I’m still processing everything, and will need some time before I’m ready to address it with you. But for now, just know that I want to.”
Invite them to tell you about the impact of your actions; and really listen. Whether you intended to or not, you caused harm to someone you care about. It shows respect to the other person that you are willing to hear them out, and it shows that you really mean to take responsibility for the consequences of your actions. Fight the urge to defend yourself, or jump in with your “whatabouts” and “but yous”.
Explain yourself, but don't offer excuses. The priority is to apologize. Once that is complete, then you are able to explain the context in a way that doesn't deflect from your personal responsibility in how the harm played out.
Don't expect instant forgiveness. Even if you were ready to apologize, keep in mind that the other person might not be ready to forgive you. Give them time to heal, and don't rush them through the process. For example: “Thank you for giving me the opportunity to express how sorry I am. I know that you might not be ready to forgive me, and I understand how you might feel that way. I just wanted to say how sorry I am. I hope that in time you will see my effort to regain your trust by changing my actions."
Your apology has to be as impactful as your offense. Make sure that your apology is appropriate to the intensity of your offense towards them. If you forgot to return a book to your friend, you don’t need to beg for forgiveness. But begging might be appropriate if you crashed their car.
It Can Be Hard to Admit When We Have Done Someone Wrong — But Sometimes It’s Harder to Never Get the Chance to
Maybe the person moved away, passed away, or chose to no longer have contact with you. In those moments, all we can do is to try to learn from the experience, and take that wisdom into our future relationships. Not being able to directly express our regret and make amends can be an immense burden. Personally pursuing the process of understanding what happened and creating closure on our own is the best we can do.
Where Can I Find Help?
As a therapist, obviously I’m biased, and I think most people can benefit from therapy. Especially if you’re interested in learning more about how to start improving yourself or your relationship through better communication. If you are curious about therapy and want to learn more, I encourage you to begin by clicking around my website. But I totally get that therapy can be intimidating, hard to find, time consuming, and expensive.
That’s why I’ve written a book that is a fraction of the price of one therapy session! It’s called: The Root of Relationships: How to Know Yourself, Understand Others, and Create the Relationships You Want. I’ve already spent the money and time to get advanced education and training in Psychology, Sociology, and Psychotherapy, packed some of the best stuff into one place, and made it easy to understand and digest. Sign up with your email on my Book Publications tab, and download the accompanying free workbook!
If you think you’re beyond a book and ready to dive into some hardcore therapy, Contact Me for a free 15 minute consultation with me, where we can talk about what pursuing therapy together might look like.
The more you know, the more you grow!
