Is My Therapy Working?
People go to therapy because they want to change how their life feels.
They’re looking for a professional to help them untangle the chaos and move forward in a healthier direction. They assume that going to therapy will make them feel better, and sometimes it does! However, it doesn’t always happen right away.
If you’ve been to therapy and have had a positive experience, you know what I’m talking about! The process of healing and growth takes time. However, if you aren’t noticing positive change, at some point, we need to question whether therapy is actually working or not, and why that is. I’m here with some examples to help you tell the difference.
It is helping, but it doesn’t seem like it.
In the beginning of the therapeutic process, the therapist assesses where you are now, how you got there based on your past, and helps you develop a path towards the future you desire. The therapist spends time really getting to know you on a deep level, and begins to identify and address problem areas.
This early phase of analyzing and processing the past can be difficult, but also deeply satisfying. This is where a lot of connections and insights take place, as well as introductions to new ways of being.
However, there is another phase in the therapeutic process that most people don’t talk about. I call this the Goo Phase, inspired by the butterfly life cycle.
This is when a caterpillar creates a cocoon and its tissues are dissolved into a goo and slowly reforms into what would eventually become a butterfly. The therapeutic process is very similar.
Once you’ve undone what was pre-programmed by your upbringing and past experiences, your present can feel uncomfortable and uncertain. When we stop using unhealthy coping mechanisms, we feel exposed and vulnerable. This is like what Britney talked about when she said, “I’m not a girl; not yet a woman.”
And life doesn’t stop while you’re in this process! Even though you’re changing, the people in your life most likely haven’t. And they’re usually quite disturbed that you’re changing the status quo!
In this Goo Phase, clients often look and feel somewhat depressed — they want to be at home, they’re resting a lot, and they aren’t interested in being around people. They are still forming who they are becoming, and don’t know how to introduce their evolved self to their current connections. Even if they do know who they are becoming, it takes a lot of energy to retrain yourself how to be in the world and train the people in your life how to engage with you.
So if you’ve previously had progress in therapy and feel like you’re digressing, there’s a possibility that you’re in the goo-phase of reforming yourself and reenergizing before you face the resistance of others’ reaction to your change.
However, it might be something else…
It was helping, but it isn’t anymore.
Sometimes therapy starts off good, then loses momentum after a while.
The therapeutic relationship is similar to all relationships in the sense that sometimes someone is a good match for where we were, but not where we are now. It could be that your therapist was helpful during a certain phase of your life, but not so much anymore.
It’s not necessarily a bad therapist — I hope — but what you need has changed. It’s like your favorite shirt that doesn’t quite fit the same as it used to.
Maybe your therapist is missing something important based on their approach and you need a new set of eyes to interpret things differently. Or maybe they’re not the right person to take you further. They could be a good chapter in your character-building multi-part series.
It isn’t helping — because they aren’t the right fit.
The biggest factor in the success of therapy is the therapeutic relationship. If it isn’t a good fit, therapy won’t work. You may know that it isn’t a good fit as early as the third session.
If by then the therapist doesn’t seem to really know or understand you, that is a cause for concern! You may notice that they listen a lot and reflect what you say, but don’t offer much insight. You may notice your feelings are always so valid to the point where you’re stuck in them, rather than having your thought process and behaviors challenged.
Therapy is a one-way relationship; the therapist is there for you. However, over time in getting to know someone, you may experience the humanity of your therapist. All therapists are imperfect human beings with their own biases and limited understanding. While we do make efforts to keep them in check, therapists are people first.
They make mistakes sometimes or have a way of conceptualizing things that doesn’t align with what you need or resonate with. Usually this is found in differences of faith, values, or lifestyle differences. To be clear, your therapist shouldn’t push their beliefs onto you, but your therapist may stumble upon sensitive topics that are off-putting and change the way you see them. Yes, you can get the “ick” from your therapist! Maybe your therapist just got engaged and you’re struggling with loneliness in single-hood. Maybe your therapist disclosed their faith and you have a tumultuous relationship with religion. Maybe your therapist has a personality or a therapeutic approach that you do not vibe with.
It is absolutely valid and necessary for you to find a therapist that you feel safe and comfortable with. If in the process of therapy you notice things that aren’t helpful to you or distracting towards your therapeutic process, it’s best to find someone who can better connect with you.
It isn’t helping — because of timing.
My graduate school mentor, Dr. Davis, told me a great therapist joke: “How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?.. Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.”
This is not blaming the client for “not doing enough”, it’s just not the right time for them. Or what the client thinks they want, isn’t what they actually want to prioritize right now.
Many people want to leave a job they’re unhappy with, but they aren’t quite ready to take the leap of making a drastic change in their life. Some people want to end a bad relationship, but don’t feel like now is the right time. People want to be married and have kids, but would rather keep partying on the weekends.
If you find yourself avoiding or not following through on behavioral changes discussed in therapy, even though a part of you knows you “should”, you may not have enough leverage to make a significant change in your life. Change is a “should” for you, not a “must”. Therapy might not be helping because you haven’t reached the mental and emotional place where you’re ready to implement the changes you discuss in therapy.
You’ve got your target in sight, but you’re not quite ready to pull the trigger. Your mind is made up, but you’re only getting ready to be ready to do it. That’s absolutely okay! Some people bring themselves to therapy with good intention, and rather than that being a life changing event, it’s really just meant to plant the seed of later change.
Sometimes, therapists don’t get to witness the fruits of change develop, but they’re a part of tilling the soil, planting the seed, and providing early support to its future growth. Everyone is on their own journey with their own timing. Even the best therapists can’t pull open a flower bud to make it bloom faster.
Where Can I Find More Help?
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The more you know, the more you grow!
