Create Your Own Closure
One of the ways our human brain makes sense of the world is through chronological thinking. We understand there’s a beginning, a middle, and an end to things.
Distinguishing between the past, present and future is a necessary part of comprehending and analyzing our life experiences.
This is why the concept of closure within relationships is so important. Closure means a sense of completion or resolve; it’s the ending we need to distinguish between the past and the future. When we don’t have closure, the past and present get jumbled together, and the concept of a future isn’t accessible, because in our minds what was still is.
Most Relationships End Without Closure
The truth is, most relationships end without closure; some are just more painful than others. When relationships end, it usually is not like leaving a job. With a job, you give advance notice, there’s a review of your performance, there’s an expression of appreciation for the time spent and contributions you made, you get to say goodbye, and you know for sure whether or not you left on good terms. It’s structured, mutually processed, and a chance to be honest with less inhibition.
Personal relationships almost never end this way! They’re messy, have rough edges, with things unsaid, questions unanswered, and feelings we’re left holding onto. Without a mutually defined end, it’s much harder to move on.
We frequently don’t get the chance to have a clear, satisfying end. Maybe the person passed away or there was a choice to no longer have contact for various reasons. Mentally, we try to deal with the distress of a lack of closure by ruminating and rehearsing the past over and over again, hoping that if we could just understand what happened, then we can move on. Better yet, we can move on and never get hurt like this again!
But understanding in relationships requires both perspectives to be understood. And if they didn’t stick around for closure, it’s because they don’t care to understand your side; or you don’t care to understand theirs.
Starting Your Day With a Messy Kitchen
When relationships end with no closure, it’s like trying to start your day in a kitchen that’s still dirty from the night before. The remains of yesterday that weren’t dealt with have spilled over into today, and you can’t move on with your day like normal. Plus, the person that helped make the mess in the first place is long gone with no intention of helping you clean it up. It’s understandable to not be thrilled about having to deal with it.
And hey, maybe the mess isn’t that bad! A smudge on the counter may not bother you too much. You can live with it and work around it. Heck, you can’t even see it if you move the toaster over a bit to cover it up! And wiping debris off the counter onto the floor just means you get to wear your slippers all the time!
…But then you realize you have company coming over, and you don’t want them to see the mess that you haven’t dealt with. A messy kitchen isn’t a hospitable place or a good reflection on yourself as a host. And if you’ve made a habit of allowing buildup rather than dealing with it, the mess has gotten exponentially worse.
Coming to a place of creating your own closure is when we get to the point where we say, “There’s a mess here that I have to deal with if I’m going to move on with my life. I can’t live like this anymore.”
This is what we have to do in our relationships. We have to take it upon ourselves to clean up the mess. Just because they aren’t around to help you process and move on, doesn’t negate your need for it. Whether they don’t have the emotional maturity to have a closure conversation, or they aren’t humble and self-aware enough to be accountable, that doesn’t mean you have to suffer with the mess forever.
How To Create Your Own Closure
Our brains can’t tell the difference between what we vividly envision and reality. Anyone with anxiety, depression or trauma understands this very well! Rather than rehearsing potential negative outcomes and fears, we can use the same method of imagination to envision a corrective emotional experience to attain the closure we need.
This is a process you can do within the therapeutic setting, or you can try it on your own. I find that it’s most helpful to write it out. Address a letter to this person that you don’t intend to send. When you aren’t concerned about their reaction, you’re able to express yourself most freely.
Write down everything you can think of in relation to the mess they’ve left in your life. Everything you wish you could say, but didn’t get the chance to. Every emotion that thinking of them and the situation evokes in you.
For those of you that struggle with free-writing, a few prompts could be:
What was the “mess they left in your kitchen”?
What did you hope the relationship would be like, and what was it like in reality?
What was it like for them to leave you in it; or for you to leave them?
What are the consequences that you’ve had to deal with on your own?
How did it impact your ability to move on with your life?
To get the FULL list of 16 closure questions, sign up with your email below!
I encourage you to be as specific and detailed as you possibly can! Write until your wrist hurts, rest, and then write some more. Take your time and pour out everything you can mentally and emotionally. The more you put into this exercise, the more you’ll get out of it!
Finally, when you’ve written all that you can, you have two options: save it, or burn it. Saving it would only be beneficial if you feel like you need a tangible anchor to help you from continuing the rehearsing/ruminating cycle. Sometimes temporarily keeping this letter can help further solidify the closure if you’ve spent a long time rehearsing the pain.
If you don’t want to save it, I recommend that you safely burn it as a symbol of truly letting it go and moving on with your life. Burning it is a sensory satisfying process where you get to watch it burn, feel the heat, and smell the destruction of something coming to an end. One safe way is to burn it in your sink, since it’s just been cleaned, right?
Where Can I Find More Help?
If you’re looking for a place to process grief and create your own closure, therapy can be a great resource for you! You can start by clicking the button below to schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation with me, and see if we’d be a good fit!
Maybe you aren’t fully ready for therapy yet — That’s okay too! Click the button below to subscribe to my YouTube Channel, Tips from a Therapist, where I offer some of my best tips on how to improve your relationship with yourself and other people.
If you found this helpful, share it with a friend!
The more you know, the more you grow!
