How to Get Out of a Situationship

If you’re in a situationship, and it’s not working out, this post is for you!

Permission to Change

Some people get into situationships by stating early-on that they aren’t looking for anything serious. They talk it through, and agree with the terms of the arrangement.

However, as you learned in my first situationship post, this initial premise doesn’t always stick. With the bonding hormones inherent in sex and intimacy, you can end up fighting against nature to stick with the initial, casual deal.

Hopefully, this doesn’t necessarily mean you lied about what you want; hopefully, it means you just didn’t know what you wanted.

When we don’t have experience with relationships, we’re ignorant to how they get started in the first place. We kind of follow the path of least resistance, which frequently, are situationships.

We assume it’s a good idea because we don’t have the lived experience to have the self-awareness of what we like, and what we don’t like.

Once the realization hits that the situationship dynamic doesn’t work for us, we find ourselves in a bind. We know we aren’t happy, we know it isn’t enough, but we agreed to it…

Here is your reminder that you are allowed to change! That when you know better, you do better, and that’s a good thing!

The Right Mindset

Here’s the right mindset: Consent is an ongoing conversation.

Sometimes the initial agreement doesn’t work the way you thought it would. That doesn’t mean you’re trapped there forever! You don’t need to keep going along pretending everything is fine just because the other person is content.

It’s time for you to be honest with yourself about your experience in the situationship, reassess whether the initial agreement still works for you, and communicate it to the other person.

One of the most common reasons I notice people struggling to directly talk about this, is the anxiety around “pressuring” the person or “scaring them away” by being too eager.

NO! That kind of cultural messaging is just gaslighting you to repress your experience and “play it cool”. It plays on a coping mechanism to avoid potential rejection, and prevent the pain of losing the closest thing to a relationship we have.

It’s like you’re telling yourself: “I need air to breathe, but if I can just hold my breath for a while longer, this person will eventually love me!”

STOP IT! You won’t change their answer by waiting longer to ask; you’re just getting their answer faster! People are either willing and able to be in a real relationship, or they’re not. This willing and able-ness is expressed both verbally and behaviorally.

Own Your Power

You have to talk about it. The sooner, the better.

Telling this person directly is a way to pull yourself out of ruminating in your head, and back into reality. Clarity is a kindness, to both of you!

Every situation is different, but here are a few examples of how to get this conversation going:

“I know we agreed to keep things casual, but I realized I’m not a ‘casual’ person…”

“I enjoy our time together, but I realize I want more…”

“Are you open to having an official relationship with me?”

“I feel unfulfilled and uncomfortable in a situationship; I need a real commitment. Is that something you want too?”

Once you initiate the conversation, you have to listen carefully to what they say – don’t just hear what you want to hear, or hear something they aren’t saying.

If their response is vague, it’s a “no”. If they say they “don’t know”, it’s a “no”.

If it’s anything other than an enthusiastic “yes”, it’s a “no”.

Watch their face and body language. Is it reassuring? Or do they seem uncomfortable?

Once we express our experience and needs, we can’t expect people to opt themselves out of our life. You are responsible for upholding your own standards. You are responsible for enforcing your boundaries.

If they are content with the current setup, they might be too cowardly to be honest with you, or are too selfish to walk away from a situation they’re fine with.

Real self-respect means to know your standards, assert your needs, and to choose to walk away from a situation that isn’t good for you.

Look at it this way, there is pain on either side. The pain of staying in an unfulfilling situationship, or the pain of temporary separation distress. If there’s no pain-free option, we might as well pick the pain that will pay off in the long run.

Where Can I Find More Help?

If you’re looking for a space to improve communication or relationship skills — therapy can be a great resource for you!

Maybe you aren’t fully ready for therapy yet — That’s okay too! Click the button below to subscribe to my YouTube Channel, Tips from a Therapist, where I offer some of my best tips on how to improve your relationship with yourself and other people.

If you found this helpful, share it with a friend!

The more you know, the more you grow!