How to Avoid a Situationship
If you’re new to dating, or struggling to date effectively, it can be all too easy to fall into a situationship. Even when we have the best of intentions, know what we want, set boundaries and try to take things slow, it’s only human to get caught up in the current if you aren’t strongly tethered to your principles.
On the search for love, it’s more likely to find people who are lost. Rather than getting lost with them, I’m here with a map to keep you on track!
Clarify Mating Strategies: Long-Term or Short-Term
The first thing to clarify, is whether they are using a long-term or short-term mating strategy. Are they here for a long time, or just a good time?
A long-term mating strategy searches for a person to have a long-term commitment with, while a short-term mating strategy is more about convenience and casual sex.
This is an appropriate conversation to have on the first date! You need to be prepared to say:
“I am dating to find the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with.”
“I’m dating to find my husband/wife/partner.”
“I’m looking for and offering real commitment to the right person.”
Or publicly listing you’re looking for a relationship on your dating apps.
You also need to be prepared to listen carefully to their answer, and whether their behavior matches their words.
If the idea of being this direct scares you, or you struggle to interpret what their response means, check out my previous post, You’re Being Gaslit About Situationships, for a more in-depth conversation about that.
People often make the fatal mistake of working backwards. They begin by looking for attraction, common interests and chemistry, and then consider whether this person is looking for a relationship. Many people set themselves up to fail this way! Yes, it is important to be attracted to someone, know you have things in common, and have great chemistry. However, even if they seem like a perfect match for you, unless they are using a long-term mating strategy, they are not an option for you.
What I am suggesting, is to confirm if they are a viable option for a relationship before you start investing in them and picturing a future together. If your strategies don’t match, you are inherently incompatible; regardless of attraction, chemistry, or what you have in common. Read that sentence again.
You want different things, and have different standards. No amount of communication or hard work will change that. You can squeeze a lemon as hard as you possibly can — but you can’t expect it to produce apple juice.
People get caught up in situationships, because they project an image of who they think this person could be, and ignore what this person is actually prioritizing.
Boundaries
Once you clarify that you want a long-term relationship, you have to be ready to walk away if their words or behavior communicate that you don’t want the same things. This means having boundaries with this person, and with yourself.
Some examples of how to communicate this would be:
“It’s clear that we don’t want the same things. I enjoy you as a person, but I’m looking for my partner.”
“I appreciate the opportunity to meet you. I hope you find what you’re looking for.”
“I’m looking for someone who is ready now, not someday.”
For a more in-depth exploration of how to set and maintain boundaries, check out my previous post, How to Set Boundaries: A Better Approach in 10 Steps.
Where Can I Find More Help?
If you know you are struggling to communicate and hold boundaries with people — therapy can be a great resource for you!
Maybe you aren’t fully ready for therapy yet — That’s okay too! Click the button below to subscribe to my YouTube Channel, Tips from a Therapist, where I offer some of my best tips on how to improve your relationship with yourself and other people.
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The more you know, the more you grow!
