8 Signs of Emotional Maturity

The number one predictor for success in any relationship is emotional maturity.

Being able to assess whether or not other people are emotionally mature, will save you a lot of headache and heartache! That means no more investing in the wrong people, wasting your time, or beating your head against the wall!

Here are eight signs for emotional maturity that you need to look for in yourself and other people:

#1 Humility

Humility is being free of arrogance. It’s acknowledging and admitting the possibility that we don’t have it right all the time.

This is an incredibly useful tool in relationships, because humility makes it safe for people to be honest with us. Without pride or arrogance, emotionally mature people are able to take feedback with curiosity, rather than taking it as a criticism.

Humility allows us to categorize people with different perspectives than us as potential allies with information that could be very helpful to us, instead of enemies that are trying to attack us. It makes us able to receive feedback from others without being defensive. Humility communicates a collaborative spirit, because it allows us to consider, “Hmm, there’s a possibility that I could be wrong about this, and they could be right — let’s figure this out together!”

When someone doesn’t have humility, communication is misinterpreted as conflict, and disagreements deteriorate into a battle of who is right and who is wrong.

#2 Self-Awareness

Self-awareness is two-fold: self-awareness of our internal world and self-awareness of our humanity.

Self-awareness of our internal world allows us to understand what we’re feeling and why. Emotionally mature people are capable of reflecting on their thoughts and feelings in a way that helps them better understand themself. This type of self-awareness allows them to identify what their needs and priorities are, and act accordingly.

In relation to self-awareness of humanity, sometimes people interpret self-awareness as knowing all the ways in which they suck. Emotionally mature people are able to be honest with themself in a balanced way. They’re not overly critical and only seeing their faults. They can accurately account for their strengths and good qualities as well.

When someone lacks self-awareness, it feels very chaotic. They don’t understand their emotions, so they’re dominated by them. They don’t know what they need, so it’s easy to blame someone else for why they are unhappy. Emotionally immature people can’t see themselves or other people clearly, so their relationships often feel disconnected and fickle.

#3 Empathy

I previously spoke about self-awareness; empathy is about being socially aware, or able to recognize emotion in others. It is when we take interest in the emotions and needs of others.

Mentally putting ourselves in another’s place helps us understand why they feel the way they do. Emotionally mature people care about the impact of their words and actions on other people. Empathy allows us to attune, validate, and respond to others constructively.

Without empathy, emotionally immature people can easily abandon or lash out. They don’t really think or care about other people. They only care about how they feel and what they need. Everyone else in their life is just a means to that end.

#4 Self-Regulation

Self-regulation is the capacity to manage distress in the moment, and process it afterwards.

Emotionally mature people can experience emotions without them taking over. They are able to take their emotions seriously, but not too seriously. Meaning they feel emotions just enough to understand where they’re coming from, and what they need, so they don’t overindulge in their emotions.

Without self-regulation, emotionally immature people will be reckless with their emotions. This can manifest externally on others or internally spiraling within themselves. Emotionally immature people do not take personal responsibility for effectively managing their emotions. They’ll either rely on substances to change their mood, escape into addictive and avoidant behaviors, or manipulate other people in order to change how they feel on the inside.

#5 Accountability

Accountability is the follow-through of awareness and empathy.

When we are accountable with ourself, we advocate for our needs, express our emotions in a healthy way, and acknowledge our responsibility towards others.

Accountability with others means being bothered by our personal shortcomings, and accepting our duty to address them. It’s acknowledging and taking ownership of the harm we cause, admitting fault, and pivoting towards positive change.

Accountability requires us to have a team effort in our relationships, rather than feeling entitled to everyone else adapting around us.

Without accountability, immature people act out their emotions, while emotionally mature people articulate them. When someone lacks accountability, they will always be the victim, and you will always be the villain.

#6 Reliability

Reliability is the pattern to correct personal wrongness. It is the practice of consistently taking accountability.

Reliability is when someone’s actions are evidence that something has changed for the better internally.

When someone is reliable, they are predictable. And when someone is predictable in a positive way, it makes them trustworthy. An emotionally mature person is a trustworthy person, because they are consistent in how they manage themselves, and their responsibilities with other people.

Without reliability, emotionally immature people cannot be trusted or expected to change. You can’t hold out hope of them having internal or external change, because their pattern communicates otherwise. People have to choose to be accountable; and you need to notice when they have a tendency to not make that choice. It’s like that saying, “when people show you who they are, believe them.”

#7 Flexibility

Being too rigid is a problem. Things won’t always work out the way we expect. Being flexible and able to adapt is a necessary part of life!

Emotionally mature people are able to compromise, creatively solve problems, and refine their approach to gain a desirable outcome.

Emotionally immature people have a mental and emotional rigidity; they struggle to process negative emotion. When someone isn’t flexible, you’ll notice it’s hard for them to change; they struggle to accept what is, let it go, and move on. Because they are inflexible, the burden of flexibility is put on everyone else.

#8 Humor

Emotionally mature people have a great sense of humor, because they have perspective. Life doesn’t have to be perfect or taken too seriously, because maturity breeds security.

Communication isn’t just about solving problems and who is right and who is wrong. There’s room for nuance and play!

Emotional maturity makes humor and play safe. Emotionally immature people aren’t safe to play with, because they’re too sensitive.

Developing Emotional Maturity

Each of these eight characteristics are necessary building blocks of emotional maturity, each one building onto the next. If you notice yourself or someone else lacking in one of the eight, the others that follow are automatically compromised.

Becoming emotionally mature is a process that takes time, so be patient with yourself as you work through the list. However, if you’re using this list to assess someone else’s emotional maturity, you need to know that people only change when they feel like they need to and really want to.

If they don’t think they need to develop these 8 characteristics, or they aren’t actively trying to, you should not be patient or hold out hope for them. You should be setting boundaries with them instead. See my previous post, How to Set Boundaries: A Better Approach in 10 Steps.

Where Can I Find More Help?

If you’re looking to become more emotionally mature yourself, or develop boundaries with emotionally immature people — therapy can be a great resource for you!

Maybe you aren’t fully ready for therapy yet — That’s okay too! Click the button below to subscribe to my YouTube Channel, Tips from a Therapist, where I offer some of my best tips on how to improve your relationship with yourself and other people.

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The more you know, the more you grow!