A Word on Power

To navigate the world and our relationships within it well, we must first understand power

Power refers to the ability to obtain desired goals by influencing other people or factors. Based on a person’s ethnicity, age, social class, level of education, level of attractiveness, how they identify, etc., there are clear, undeniable differentials in power that impact their ability to move through life with more or less ease.

While it is important to know our relative limitations and privileges with power in any given context, it is just as important, if not more important, to also hold the understanding that we all have power within us, just being alive human beings. We are clever, and our intelligence makes us flexible to adversity. Humans have the power of influence, and the opportunity to work on ourselves and grow into better and more complex versions of ourselves.

Power in a relationships is rarely divided 50-50 with each person, and just because someone is our boss or our mother, doesn’t necessarily mean they have more power than us. Now, of course, mothers deserve respect, and our boss is able to fire us; but what I mean by this is that in a relationship, each person decides how much power the other person has over them.

The power we face is the power that we perceive.

The power your boss has over you is your perception of their power. Sure, your boss can fire you, but with some creativity and necessity, there are other ways to earn a living. And while your boss holds status over you, your position in the company/organization is a valuable one. The boss cannot do the job of all of their subordinates, and it is expensive for the company to continually lose, recruit, and train new people.

The power is in your mind, and you decide how much power to give them. If you see yourself in a place of no power, you relinquish your access to any potential power. Responsibility is the symbiotic twin of power; we need both. A judge cannot have court without lawyers who present him with facts; a parent can’t develop a child without the compliance of the child; the boss cannot have production with the aid of his workers; and so on. In the BDSM community, in order for someone to be dominant, someone must consent to being submissive. While the dominant partner seems to hold all the power, the submissive person actually holds all the power by being able to withdraw their consent to the power play.

The best way to use power, is to appear not to be using it.

When people use their power out of arrogance to control us, it may really be because they feel threatened—it’s usually about their own infirmities and issues with themselves. They must over-power you in some way, in order for them to feel powerful at all. Arrogance is a kind of false-confidence to defend the ego. Arrogance can fool some people some of the time, but usually, it doesn’t really work. Consider the social phenomenon of Tall Poppy Syndrome, where if a person is too arrogant, people will work hard to tear them down to make them be humbler.

Understanding the power dynamic in a relationship means knowing who is involved and positioning ourselves accordingly. There is a time when we need to recognize that we are “below” other people in the room. In those cases, we need to let them talk, and we should listen. Other times it is the opposite, when we have an expertise over someone and need to speak in order to contribute meaningfully to the relationship.

Furthermore, when we position our power to aid someone who has power over us, we empower ourselves even more. Take for example doing a favor for your boss in order to demonstrate your loyalty to the company and securing your position when there is talk of cuts. Another example could be choosing to be a stay-at-home parent in order to increase your partner’s earning potential for the family as a whole.

Italian diplomat, politician, philosopher, and writer of the Renaissance period, Niccolo Machiavelli, famously said that “it is better to be feared than loved if you cannot be both.” However, this is not ideal in close relationships in modern society. Power as a weapon used in the home, at work, or in school is not all that useful. Misuse of power makes people hate you because it is off-putting and anti-social.

Power is like gasoline

—if spilled everywhere, it can create a chaotic inferno, but contained properly, it can heat our stoves to feed our children or help us travel cross-country.

But don’t fret; power is not absolute—it is relative to a given relationship and situation. A lion is quite powerful on land but dropped into an ocean, the lion is at a huge disadvantage! It’s better to use your power and influence to make friends rather than belittle others. Wise leaders know that allies are what really win wars.

Where can I find help?

As a therapist, obviously I’m biased, and I think most people can benefit from therapy. Especially if you are interested in learning more about how you find and utilize your own powers, as well as the biopsychosocial science behind humans and human relationships. If you are curious about therapy and want to learn more, I encourage you to begin by clicking around my website. But I totally get that therapy can be intimidating, hard to find, time consuming, and expensive.

That’s why I’ve written a book that is a fraction of the price of one therapy session! It’s called: The Root of Relationships: How to Know Yourself, Understand Others, and Create the Relationships You Want. I’ve already spent the money and time to get advanced education and training in Psychology, Sociology, and Psychotherapy, packed some of the best stuff into one place, and made it easy to understand and digest. Sign up with your email on my Book Publications tab, and download the accompanying free workbook!

If you think you’re beyond a book and ready to dive into some hardcore therapy, CONTACT ME for a free 15 minute consultation with me, where we can talk about what pursuing therapy together might look like.

The more you know, the more you grow!