Marriage Killer #2 Defensiveness: What It Is and How to Stop It

In my previous article, Predictors of Divorce: The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse, I laid out the four communication patterns that will predict divorce with over 90% accuracy. They include: criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling, as identified by Drs. John and Julie Gottman.

Today, we focus on defensiveness. Here’s what you and your spouse need to know!

Defensiveness

Defensiveness and criticism go hand-in-hand. When a problem is brought up in a critical way, defensiveness is a natural reaction to protect ourselves.

Because of this, there’s accountability on both sides of this marriage-killing communication pattern. The speaker is at fault for bringing up the issue in an unhealthy, critical way, and the listener is at fault for reacting defensively, by rejecting responsibility for their part in the problem.

Prevention of this criticism-defensive cycle is the goal, and the solution takes place in three steps.

Step #1: Gentle Start-Up

When bringing up a concern, the speaker needs to talk in a way where they’re most likely to be heard. This means they’re not attacking, criticizing, or blaming the listener. Being mindful of our delivery will reduce or eliminate the defensive reaction from the listener.

This is done through gentle start-up, which I covered in my previous article, Marriage Killer #1 Criticism: What It Is and How to Stope It. Essentially, it gets conflict conversations off to a good start through a simple formula:

I Feel…

About What…

I Need…

You begin by stating what you feel with an “I” statement. Then, you describe the problem situation, without saying “you”, which would make the listener defensive. Finally, you state a positive need that would improve the situation.

For example: “I feel overwhelmed and disrespected when someone yells at me, I need you to speak to me in a gentler tone.”

This series about the four predictors of divorce builds on one another, so be sure to go back to my previous articles to get a more in-depth understanding of how to use gentle start-up as well as understand the other predictors of divorce.

Step #2: Listen to Understand, Not to Respond

The hardest part when listening to our spouse is down regulating our own defensiveness. Most of us think we’re somewhat decent people, and our egos don’t like hearing where we’ve fallen short.

However, in order to divorce-proof our marriage, we really have to say to ourselves, “even though I think they’re completely wrong in their perspective, and I’m completely right… This is the person I love, and they’re in a lot of pain right now. I need to shut up for a moment, and listen to them, so I can understand what’s going on.”

The main job of the listener in step two, is to postpone their own agenda, and listen with empathy. This is very unnatural! Usually when we’re talking with someone, there’s a back and forth, like a tennis match. Half of our brain is listening, while the other half is formulating our response. This is fine in a regular conversation, but it is disastrous when dealing with conflict.

Instead, you want to use the Gottman-Rapoport Method. This activity forces us to practice using 100% of our brain for listening. Anatole Rapoport developed a blueprint for managing international conflict, and the Gottman Institute adapted it for navigating relationship conflict.

For Star Trek fans out there, I want you to think of this like Spok’s Vulcan Mind Meld. Spok touches their head, and it allows him to tap into the thoughts and experiences of others. That’s what we’re trying to accomplish! To merge two minds and two experiences into one consciousness.

This is how it’s done: one person is the speaker, the other is the listener. The speaker uses gentle start-up to bring up an issue, what they feel, and what they need. The listener listens with empathy, without interrupting.

There are two subjective sides to every argument, and each has validity. As you’re listening to your spouse’s feelings and needs, focus on understanding them from their point of view. Then, the listener needs to reiterate what they heard the speaker say, and the speaker confirms that the listener understands them fully.

Continuing our previous example, the speaker could say, “What I’m hearing you say is yelling makes you feel upset and small…. Am I getting it?”

This part is crucial! Until the listener can state the speaker’s position to their satisfaction, there will be no chance for problem solving, because they haven’t confirmed that they’re talking about the same problem!

If the speaker doesn’t feel totally understood, they can gently clarify what the listener missed. The listener is also able to ask clarifying questions to deepen their understanding, such as, “What exactly do you mean by a gentler tone?…Could you help me understand why this is so upsetting to you?”

Understanding is necessary for validation, and validation is necessary for persuasion. However, validation does not mean agreement with their perspective, or automatic compliance with what the speaker said.

Validation is simply saying, “I can see from your point of why you would feel the way you do.” Or, “it makes sense to me that you would feel this way and have those needs, because of your experience.”

When we feel like our spouse understands us and validates where we’re coming from, our defenses drop, and we are much more open to compromise. It’s the same with negotiating between international organizations.

At this point, the speaker and listener switch roles. The listener has a chance to be heard and understood by using gentle start-up, and the speaker has to listen with empathy and without interruption, until they can communicate their spouse’s point to their satisfaction.

Step #3: Take Responsibility

Now that each partner is able to understand and validate the other, they can move to step three, which is to take responsibility. Each person must acknowledge their own role in contributing to the fight, even if it’s very small.

However, this can be very difficult because of fundamental attribution error. It’s a cognitive bias that causes people to judge others differently than themselves. When someone else cuts us off in traffic, it’s because they’re selfish and rude. Yet when we cut someone off, we understand we’re essentially a good person that was just running late this one time.

Avoiding this bias requires grace and humility. Practicing grace would entail: when you attribute a positive quality in yourself, you try to see a little bit of that quality in your partner at times as well. Practicing humility would mean: when you attribute something negative to your partner, try to see a bit of that negative quality in yourself at times. Neither of you are totally without fault, and it takes two to tango in this criticism-defensiveness cycle!

From this place, we’re better able to acknowledge our role in the conflict, and not just what our spouse is doing wrong. Some statements of responsibility could sound like:

I’ve been very stressed and irritable lately.

I haven’t expressed much appreciation to you.

I’ve taken you for granted at times.

I haven’t shared with you what’s been going on with me.

I haven’t been emotionally available as much recently.

I haven’t been as affectionate as I usually am.

I haven’t made time for good things between us.

I know I haven’t been a great listener.

I haven’t asked for what I need, and instead I’ve been martyring myself.

I haven’t felt much confidence in myself lately.

I’ve been running on empty and haven’t been taking care of myself in order to be available to you.

Remember, these are not excuses; they are acknowledgements that there have been things going on with us that have negatively impacted our marriage. Naming them doesn’t remove responsibility, it’s acknowledging the specific behavior we are responsible for changing.

Finally, you identify one thing you can do to prevent the problem from continuing in the future, and focus on that. Maybe that includes you making some lifestyle changes or setting boundaries with other people and obligations. It could be taking better care of yourself, or being more honest about your feelings and expressing your needs in a healthier way. Maybe it’s creating rituals of connection, that prioritize small moments in the day with your spouse.

This three-step process is simple, but not necessarily easy. Changing the way we speak can feel like learning how to write with our opposite hand! Be patient with yourself and your spouse as you learn. Go slowly, practice often, and remember that preserving your marriage can be one of the best possible investments you can make!

Where Can I Find More Help?

If you’re interested in learning healthy relational skills — therapy can be a great resource for you!

Maybe you aren’t fully ready for therapy yet — That’s okay too! Click the button below to subscribe to my YouTube Channel, Tips from a Therapist, where I offer some of my best tips on how to improve your relationship with yourself and other people.

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The more you know, the more you grow!